Saturday, May 9, 2015

soccer vs lightening

I want to thank everyone who commented on my post.  It was so very helpful to me and it helped me to put things in perspective.  It's hard sometimes, because since I am not in treatment anymore - when bumps come up in my recovery, I am kind of on my own to figure them out and that can be hard at times.  I have my family and friends who are really really supportive, and I am able to talk to them about a lot of things, but sometimes it's hard for them to really understand certain things or ways that I am thinking or feeling.  Eating disorders and addictions are a hard thing for people to fully understand unless they have gone through it and it can feel lonely at times.  So it's always helpful to get advice from other people outside of my own head or my own thinking.  I think that is one reason why it's so important to be able to have people in recovery to talk to and who understand what you are going through.  So thank you :)  I feel a little better, but still wish that I was doing better than I am in this part of my recovery.  I just get so tired of my ED always finding ways to stick around.  But I just need to keep doing my best, recognize how far I have come, and always keep striving to strengthen myself in my recovery each day.

In other news, this happened this past Wednesday... 

I have been to soccer games in pouring rain, freezing cold weather, extreme heat, and even snow.  And there have been a handful of times when I have been at a game that had a delay because of lightening, but this past Wednesday was one of the craziest!!  It had started raining when we got there, and it started to come down a little harder right before the game with thunder in the background.  Well, then in the middle of the national anthem the lightening just went crazy!  As soon as the anthem ended, the players ran back into the locker room and the rain came pouring down (with a little hail mixed in).  So we all had to run for cover and, let me just say, that trying to crowd 20,000 plus people in limited covered spaces can be a hectic thing.  We had to wait an hour before we could go back to our seats (they can start the game 30 minutes after the last lightning strike), and by that time we were freezing and wet.  It rained pretty hard the whole game, so we were sitting in wet, cold clothes and shivering BUT... it was still so fun!  The crowd was into it, the players were into it, and it was a really fun game!  That's one thing I love about soccer.  I love the atmosphere and how into it everyone gets - even in that kind of weather, everyone is still having fun and enjoying the game!  Soccer games are the ONLY thing I will spend 3 hours in bad weather for.  But it was a memorable night for sure!

Saturday, May 2, 2015

will i ever get there?

Will I ever learn how to eat intuitively and mindfully? 

I am starting to think that I am never going to truly have peace with food and with my body.  I hate to admit this, and maybe it's just me feeling super discouraged and frustrated with myself.  But I just can't seem to get the hang of it.  Yes, I am doing pretty well in regards to my recovery.  And so it's hard to come out and say that I am still struggling so much with these two things.  Yes, I have maintained my weight for the last few years, and yes (most days) I am eating more than I did while I was struggling with my eating disorder.  But the obsessive thoughts about food and body image have never really gone away.  The guilt has never really gone away.  I've just gotten really good at trying to ignore it and not give in to those thoughts and instead do what I know I need to do to maintain my recovery.  I have felt like I've been letting myself down, and now admitting to it, I feel like I am letting other people down too.  I just don't know what to do when it comes to this part of my recovery.  I have been (and am doing) really well, I think... Or am I not allowing myself to see what's really happening?  I don't know how to let these thoughts go.  It gets tiring to continue to ignore them.  But that's what I have to keep doing I guess, and hopefully someday, I won't have to just keep trying to ignore these thoughts... but they will finally not even be around.  That's my hope.  And I don't want this to take anything away from my previous post, because I meant every word of it.  I am doing the best I ever have in recovery - these two things are just things that I can't seem to figure out for some reason.  And it concerns me, and frustrates me at times.  Especially lately.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

love and recovery

Last Sunday, April 26th, was our 1 year anniversary.  They say that the first year is the hardest but I honestly think we grew closer and stronger this past year.  There were the normal adjustments and challenges that come with being newly married and living together, but I fall in love with him more and more everyday.  I seriously love this guy!!!  He is my best friend and the love of my life.  I am grateful for him in my life so much!

This past week, as I was thinking back over this past year, I started thinking about the four years that we have been together and how much I have grown - not just with Brian - but also how much I have grown in my recovery and in my self.  I thought back to where I was at the time when I first met Brian.  I remember that day so well.  It was January 30th, 2011.  At the time, I was living with in a house with 5 other roommates.  One of my roommates was friends with Brian (they had been friends for a while but I had never met him before.)  I remember going out into the front room to walk my friend out to her car and a few of my roommates were all hanging out in the front room with Brian.  After I said goodbye to my friend, I went and sat down with everyone and joined in on the conversation.  As the evening went on, one of my roommates and I were texting back and forth and she was asking what I thought of Brian and if I thought he was cute.  And I did!  There was something about him that drew me in and I was immediately interested in this mysterious guy.  I later find out from Brian that he thought I was cute too, but he thought that I wasn't interested because I was texting on my phone all night... but little did he know at the time, I was texting about him!  It's still something we laugh about to this day.  I am also really shy at first when I am around someone that I really like, so sometimes that can seem like disinterest but it's just me being nervous and shy.

It was so crazy too because at the time, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend.  I was mainly just trying to focus on my recovery and falling in love was not at the top of my list.  But there was something about this guy that just drew me to him.  I really liked him and the next day, I talked my roommate into calling him and seeing if he wanted to hang out.  So her and I went rock climbing with him at the climbing gym he was working at at that time.  And then the next day we hung out, and the next, and so on.  It was weird.  I just wanted to be around him all the time.  And ever since that first day, we have seen each other pretty much every single day.  There were days here or there when we wouldn't see each other for a day or two, but those days were rare.  And that's not to say that everything was perfect.  We had our ups and downs like most relationships do as you are getting to know each other and just normal day to day stuff.  And one thing that helped too was that since we didn't officially start dating until March 17th of that year, (he asked me out on our first official date on St. Patricks Day) we got to know each other as friends first.  Which was kinda hard because we both really liked each other but we wanted to take it slow and get to know each other first.  Looking back, I'm glad we did it that way. 

That first year we were together also really helped me let go of my eating disorder more and more.  At the time that I met Brian, I was kinda bouncing back and forth on that line between "recovery" and "anorexia."  I had one foot on one side and the other foot on the other side and was just kind of back and forth.  I was doing pretty good at the time, I was in the early stages of stable recovery after a pretty horrible relapse a couple years earlier that took a while to bounce back from.  At the time, the only treatment I was in was seeing a therapist.  Which was a really good sign for me that I was doing okay and maybe starting to make some lasting progress.  And I'm not going to say that I recovered because of Brian or that love saved me and made me better... But he did help me save me from myself.  At the time, I was really starting to feel like I could and wanted to recover for myself.  I was so tired of the eating disorder and I think I was finally ready to really start to let go of it.  And when Brian came along, he gave me that extra motivation I needed.  He came into my life at the perfect time, and because every other relationship that I had in the past had failed because of my eating disorder, I didn't want that to happen with Brian.  There was something special about this guy and I didn't want my eating disorder to take that away from me like so many other things in my life.  I will forever be grateful to Brian for helping me, loving me, and supporting me in my recovery.  

But I did still struggle.  That first year was especially tough because I was really truly trying to let go of the eating disorder that I had had since I was 13 years old.  And that was scary.  But I kept reminding myself of all the things that I wanted more than I wanted my eating disorder.  And slowly but surely, I did let go.  I still struggled and I still had those days (or weeks) when I would slip back into those behaviors for a moment.  I still do to this day at times.  I still have my bad moments.  I think my eating disorder is always going to be something that I am vulnerable to, but I haven't relapsed since then which is really crazy to me because relapsing was ALL that I seemed to be doing ever since I was sent to my first inpatient treatment center.  A lot of people (including myself) thought that I would never get better.  Thought that I would never recover.  So to see where I am in my life now... It's truly a blessing.  I have come a long way these past four years.  I am living a life I didn't think I would ever have.  I am alive, I am healthy, and my eating disorder is not what I live my life around anymore.  Who would have thought???  And that's why I truly do believe that recovery IS possible for all of you too.  We all find recovery at different points in our life and in different ways - but as long as you are fighting and getting back up after you fall, then you will find it when you are ready.  I honestly believe that.  But you have to keep fighting.  It is hard.  It is the hardest, scariest, and most painful thing I have EVER had to do.  But it IS worth it.  And I just want everyone out there to know that you deserve to find your light and your recovery.  Please, please don't ever give up!  You are worth SO much more than the struggle you are going through and I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I really do. 

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

little me

I heard this song the other day and it really hit home with me.
It reminded me a lot of the feelings I felt when I was a young girl.
The confusion, the sensitivity, the insecurity, feeling lost and ignored in the "crowd".

I am glad that I have been able to heal, to let go, and become a stronger person
But there are times, often, when those old memories and feelings come back.
I think they will always be there inside of me
But I am glad that there are times when I can forgive
When I can believe
When I can love myself
When... I know that I am enough just the way I am

I don't feel these things all the time (I wish I did) but there are moments
More often than it used to be
That I can truly believe these things about myself
And I hope that the more I recover, the more I grow, the more I experience,
The more I can let that little girl inside of me heal.


Friday, March 20, 2015

one chapter ending and a new one beginning

I am glad that I have been able to learn over the years to adapt pretty well to change because that seems to be something that happens often in my life.  I don't mind change (most of the time) and I am glad that it is something I can cope pretty well with, and even look forward to.  Because there have been A LOT of changes during the past couple months.  But I am so happy and excited about things and I feel it's gonna be a good year!

Brian and I decided that it was time to move on from our job and where we were living.  We were planning on moving out this summer but decided to do it a few months earlier instead.  So we moved into a basement apartment near both of our parents houses (our parents live less than 10 minutes away from each other which is kinda cool) and I went back to my old job. I stayed as PRN at my old job and helped out here and there because I knew the job at Milestone was just going to be temporary and I was hoping to possibly go back to it after we left Milestone, so I was glad that it worked out that way.  It is a good stable job, I feel comfortable and at home there, and I enjoy it for the most part.  It keeps me busy and even though it can be stressful at times its nothing like the hectic life at the job I was doing these past 10 months. But I learned SO much from that experience and I am glad I did it despite the challenging and stressful things that were involved with the job.  It's also really nice to be able to "go home" and not live at the place we work.  That was hard sometimes.  And Brian's plan at the moment is to focus a lot more on school (something he had to put on hold for a lot of the 2 & 1/2 years that he was working at that job) and he is going to try to finish up this summer hopefully, and is looking at other job opportunities in the social work field.  And taking a little bit of a breather since he has worked 7 days a week, on call 24/7 for the past 2 & 1/2 years with no days off except for our wedding/honeymoon, and a weekend away for his birthday.  I think he deserves a little bit of downtime to just focus on finishing up school for a few months.

We moved into our new place at the beginning of March and it has been SO nice!!  We have more space, more privacy, and we don't live where we work!  We can relax at home and not feel like we are still on the clock or working all hours of the day.  One chapter has ended and a new one is beginning.  And there are some other exciting things happening this year that I will share when the time is right  :)

The soccer season is here again!!!

I couldn't resist getting a picture of Brian with his backpack ;)

Saying goodbye to the first place Brian and I lived together.

Yesterday I got an "excited for Spring to be here" haircut.

Anyways, I just wanted to update my blog if anyone out there still reads it and hopefully now that I have more time, I will be able to read everyone's blogs more and write a lot more on this one.  But in the meantime, here are some pictures from the past couple months to end this update with.  I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the first day of spring! <3


Saturday, December 27, 2014

love this guy!

He can always make me smile or laugh when I am feeling down.
(Which I have needed lately)
I love this guy SO much!
He is my best friend, my love, and my everything!
I can't imagine my life without him <3

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

rock climbing love!

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had been on here.  I am so behind on all of your blogs and my own as well.  But I hope that everyone is enjoying the holiday season and staying safe.  Things have been hectic but that's usual for me it seems.  I am hoping that as we move into this next year, things will slow down a little.  Not too much because then I will get bored, but a little less hectic would be nice. :)

Brian and I started rock climbing again a little over a month ago and I am loving it!!  Brian used to be huge into climbing and when I met him he used to take me out every once in a while and I fell in love with it too.  We would go climbing both indoor and outdoor.  They both are very different experiences too, so it's fun.  Then over the past couple years, we haven't really gone as much because life got busy and it just got put on the back burner.  But we finally decided that we wanted to make it a priority and we got passes to an indoor climbing gym.  It's a really cool gym and really big so there is so much space to climb.  

Brian, of course, is a natural - but I struggle.  He's had years of training and every time I watch him I am just amazed and in awe.  I am still fairly new to the sport but I have really been pushing myself and s l o w l y but surely I am seeing bits of improvement.  What we mainly focus on is bouldering.  And it is so hard!  If you don't know what bouldering is - it basically means that you climb without a rope or a harness.  And I love it because it's so challenging.  I love pushing myself and I love the the feeling I get when I climb!  I still have a bit of a fear of falling but I am getting better each time we go.  The floors are padded so much that it's okay if you fall because you won't really get hurt since the walls for bouldering are between 10-16 feet average so they don't go as high as rope climbing walls.  But I still don't like falling when I am higher up and it holds me back a little because I won't try certain moves or stop a route premature because that fear will kick in a little.  But I am working on it.

It's also a good way to release stress, I have noticed.  And it's been helping me to get and feel stronger - and I like that.  I am hoping that it will help me with the body image stuff I have been struggling with.  It's hard because when I started to gain weight this last time out of recovery, I gained it pretty fast and I wasn't exercising and building muscle because exercise can be a huge trigger for me and I tend to get obsessed with it really easily.  So I am hoping that by working out and doing it with Brian - it will help those obsessive thoughts from getting out of control.  As I've gained the weight this last time, and these few years afterwards, I have tried to exercise but every time I find myself starting to obsess about it and I quickly stop in fear of relapse.  But this seems to be working because I think with this, I can keep myself in check.  And I really do love climbing and I love the feelings I get from climbing.  If you haven't tried it, you should ;)

Also, I have been trying to work on my mindfullness and intuitive eating and it's going... not so good.  I find myself hyper-aware of everything I am eating and I am feeling more guilty if I feel like I have eaten too much.  I don't know if this is normal or not?  Suggestions or advice would be very much welcomed because I really want to be able to enjoy food and not feel captive to this voice inside my head causing me all this guilt and negativity that has been around me since I was 13 years old.  I just want to push it away from me and be done with it but I can't seem too, and I'm not sure what to try next because I've exhausted all of my options when it comes to this.  Or do I just keep doing what I have been doing and hope that one day it will all click and come together... I just feel discouraged.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

thanksgiving 2014

I have SO much to be thankful for, not just today... but every day!
And I forget that sometimes... But I do!  
And I need to remind myself of all of the blessings in my life, 
especially those moments when I forget & I'm feeling down, discouraged, or having a bad day.

I hope that everyone had a fun, safe, & happy thanksgiving! <3

thanksgiving morning 2014

Sunday, November 23, 2014

intuitive eating

I was over at my parents house the other day, going through some of my boxes, and I came across my Intuitive Eating book that I got at my first treatment center.  It is a book that I used all throughout my years of treatment and eventually it got put away in a box because I felt like I'd never be able to eat intuitively.  I couldn't do it.  I'd try and just fail over and over again.  I have struggled endlessly in trying to learn to have a healthy relationship with food.  

Over the next few days, I kept thinking about that book and it was bringing up feelings I've struggled with the past few years.  So I went back over and got the book to bring home with me.  I also bought a new book at the store called Eating Mindfully.  Mindful eating is also another concept that I was taught (as I'm sure most of you have been taught as well in recovery) while in treatment.  Why am I talking about this now?  I have been at a healthy weight for a little over 4 years.  That's good, right?  So why do I still struggle with body image and why do I still feel bad when I eat certain things/amounts a lot of the time...?

I'm talking about this now because even though I have been in stable recovery for a few years now, I'm not eating mindfully at all.  A lot of the time when I eat, I am eating because I know I need to or I because I am hungry.  And I eat too much sometimes, I feel like.  But I'm not paying much attention to the food or my hunger/fullness cues.  I'm just eating to eat.  And I don't know why I have been feeling so anxious about it lately.  I don't know if it's stress, or body image stuff, or maybe a bit of both but it has really been causing me to feel a lot of guilt lately about my food intake.  I just feel discouraged and confused.  And I think I am finally admitting to feelings that have been going on inside me for a while now.  I thought I was over this part, I thought I had let this all go already.  But I guess I haven't.  I think I was just trying my hardest to be okay with food.  I just wanted to be "normal" around food like everyone else around me.  I don't want to feel guilty.  I don't want to have that negative ed-filled internal dialog that still happens often.  I want to be free of all of that.  I want to leave the guilt behind and just be able to eat and enjoy food all of the time instead of just sometimes.

The body image thing is getting easier - but I still have more moments than I would like when I do struggle with it.  For the past few years, my weight has been pretty consistent but it's also been the most that I've weighed ever in my life.  And that is hard for me at times.  I still feel self-conscious and anxious about it at times.  It's something that I am still working on and trying to get used to and I wonder to myself why I'm not there yet.  And if I ever will be.   

So, long story short... I want to give intuitive and mindful eating another try.  I think that if I can master these concepts, then my hope is that a lot of the guilt I feel about eating certain things, and certain amounts will start to go away.  I want a normal and healthy relationship with food.  Not a pretend and negative one - but a healthy and positive one.  On the outside, I have done a pretty good job at making it look like I have a healthy one.  But on the inside, the guilt is still there.  Not always, but it's there more than it's not there.  And I keep it to myself in hopes that if I ignore it - it will eventually go away.  But it doesn't seem to be going away.  And I'm so tired of feeling this way.  I'm so tired of my ed always finding ways to creep in and drag me down.  I want to just let it go.  Be done with my eating disorder.  Completely.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

and then this happened...

This morning, we woke up to this.  The first snowfall of the season.
It's not a lot of snow, and it will probably melt in the next day or two... but the weather has changed, and baby... it's cold outside!