Yesterday I went through SO MANY emotions all in one day. It's like testing all of my emotions in a short period of time - and I don't like it! I had a pretty good day at work. I was feeling okay - dare I say even a little happy? Then... BAM!
Let's be honest. I WAS a little nervous about my appointment with my dietitian. She comes to get me from the waiting room...we walk the long walk to the room with the scale...I take off my coat and shoes (believe me, I really would have preferred to leave them on)...I walk over to the scale and nervously stand on it (I HATE that scale with all of my heart and soul!)...I look at her face and reaction trying to figure out the verdict because of course, I am not allowed to see the number...she, of course, shows no emotion...we walk the long walk to her office...I have no idea if I gained, maintained, or lost...we get to her office and I sit on the couch, she sits in her chair...she looks at me and asks how I did during the past week. That is pretty much the routine every single week and it gives me so much anxiety and it's seriously so nerve-wracking! Here is how the session went: she "says" I lost the weight that I gained last week, PLUS more. I say that can't be possible! I ATE last week! But there really is no use arguing with her...so I sat there quietly with tears running down my cheeks as she lectured me about the seriousness of my current weight and health, how I NEED more intensive out-patient treatment than I have right now OR get admitted as an inpatient. NO NO NO! Those are NOT options! I am not going inpatient - I feel like that is a step backwards and I am trying to move forwards! Besides, I've already done the inpatient and the residential thing and look how well THAT has worked out for me... But I just sat there feeling horrible, feeling like a loser and a failure, feeling VERY discouraged. I left the session PROMISING to eat more and to gain weight.
NEXT up was my session with my therapist. So I go back into the waiting room and I was feeling so TERRIFIED to meet with him - because he is harder on me than my dietitian is. I think, "great, I am really in trouble now." He comes to get me and we go to his office. He can tell that something is wrong (I'm not good at hiding things like that from him). So he asks how my session with the dietitian went (because he doesn't get the paper work from her until a day or two later, I always have to update him on my status. And of course I have to be honest because he will find out in a day or two anyway). So I start BAWLING! And not just tears - all the emotions I was feeling just overwhelmed me and came pouring out! But they came out in tears, not words - those are harder for me to get out when I feel so horrible. So he gives me a minute, and talks with me, trying to get me to open up. He starts to get concerned because I am so upset and I am not really telling him what is going on. So he says "Jenn, it's time for you to really be honest with me and tell me what's going on." So I tell him everything that happened with the dietitian. I was truly expecting him to lecture me, like he is so good at. But he didn't. I think he saw the fear, discouragement, the faith in myself and my ability to recover slipping out of me. Because he told me something that makes me truly feel like I am not a complete failure and disappointment.
He said "Jenn. I NEED you to know that even though I am super hard on you most of the time, I am NEVER EVER going to give up on you. EVER. I am here for you no matter what. The reason I am so hard on you is because I see you start to give up, not give yourself enough credit, let your eating disorder thoughts take the front seat. So I'm hard on you to try and get you to find that fire inside of you, that fight, that girl that I know is in there! But I think you are doing AMAZING considering the battle and the illness you are up against! I KNOW and I UNDERSTAND just how hard what you are doing is. And I am here for you every step of the way until you are able to be free of all of this. I am not going anywhere and there is NOTHING you can do that is going to change that! There is no failure unless you give up, and you and me, WE are not going to give up! So you slipped this week, and yes, the weight thing is pretty serious. But you can start again this week - recommit and re-charge - and keep fighting the fight! Don't be SO hard on yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve for ALL of the amazing things that you ARE doing right!"
WOW. I felt all of the pressure on my shoulders and in my heart start to slide off of me. I really needed to hear all of that because I feel like I am always disappointing him, or I worry that I am not working hard enough and he won't want to "deal" with me anymore. But I know and I BELIEVE now that he IS here for me. So I left the session feeling SO MUCH BETTER than when I went in. I felt my strength slowly starting to come back.
Then I had my Balance and Mindful Eating group. I LOVE that group so much! And out of all the groups I go to during the week - that one is my favorite!
I even went to Village Inn with my mom for dinner when I got home. I had a sandwich and fries and I ate quite a bit of it! And THAT my friend, is a step forward!