Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I did my best, but it STIILL wasn't good enough

At the moment, I don’t weigh myself because I am trying to be compliant with my treatment team. And every week when my dietitian (or the doctor) weighs me, it’s a blind weight (meaning I get on the scale backwards). I HATE that everyone on my treatment team knows my weight – except me. It makes me feel SUPER anxious every time I step on the scale! But I know that this is the way it has to be, because it would just be TROUBLE if I knew my weight! It would add another log to the fire that is my eating disorder. So, I am trying to accept the fact that I can’t trust myself (or trust my e.d.) to know my weight. I am getting there... very very slowly... but I am getting there.
In my session with the dietitian yesterday, she told me that I had maintained my weight this past week. And I just have to say that I feel like that is an accomplishment(!) because for the past few weeks I have been losing weight. But apparently no one else sees this as an accomplishment because my calorie intake was increased again! : ( 

Even though they don't tell me my weight, they WILL tell me whether I've gained, lost, or maintained. But won’t give me any numbers or tell me by how much (that would pretty much defeat the purpose of a blind weight). So I said, “That’s good right? So we can keep my meal plan the same this week!” She said "Well, it's good that you didn't lose weight - but it's not good because you are supposed to be gaining weight!" So, once again, she has increased my calorie intake! It’s SO frustrating! I am having a hard enough time right now following my meal plan 100% and they keep pressuring me to eat MORE food and gain MORE weight... Sorry, I just had to vent a little because I am feeling very anxious at the moment.  

And it's not just that - it's my head too! I feel so guilty for disobeying my eating disorder but I also feel so guilty for disobeying my treatment team. So what am I supposed to do??? My rational/healthy side tells me that... I am supposed to TRUST my treatment team and let them be my voice of reason until I am strong enough and healthy enough - mentally and physically - to do it on my own. So, that is what I am trying to do.  

But it gets tiring fighting this voice in my head all day long, every single day. I AM doing it - but there comes a point where I'm like "I can't do this anymore!" And those are the times that I need to lean a little more on my treatment team and let them help me a little more until I get out of that feeling of exhaustion... 

1 comment:

  1. Oh god, I know this all too well, most especially the if you do you fail, if you don't you fail. (gain or lose weight) I still struggle with it, and that's annoying. I'm at a healthy weight but my doc would like more weight on me, and I just don't know if I can do it, oi! Anyway, I can say I'm okay with the number, which was just recently revealed to me. I know for me it's more about the eating process than the number, so there you go. Hold in there, Jenn, I know how hard it is to maintain and to deal with treatment teams, and you are doing SO well! Venting is the best thing you can do! (And I like keeping up, hehe!)