Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I need to let go of the rope!

Yesterday in my therapy session, we talked about recovery as an in-patient vs. recovery as an out-patient. I talked to him about my deep frustrations with myself about not being able to maintain a healthy weight for very long or eat "like a normal person" before I slip when I am on my own (meaning not in the hospital or in-patient treatment). He told me that he thinks it's because I am too afraid too really do it on my own. He said, "think about when you were in-patient or in the hospital. You had people forcing you to eat (my servings alone were enough to feed a small family) and if you refused to eat - they made you drink Boost, and if you still refused - they put a feeding tube down your throat! Remember that Jenn??" I said "Of course, I remember that mr. therapist! That is not something a person forgets. Are you trying to make me feel worse than I already do that I have relapsed in a major way and am headed back in the direction of all of those things..."  

He says that I rely on other people to make sure I am eating, and to TRULY recover from this I have to do it on my own. Or I am just going to be in this cycle of in and out of hospitals and constantly struggling with my eating disorder. I told him that it's SO scary because I don't trust myself and I feel guilty when I eat (what I perceive as) too much food! It's easier for me to have someone else forcing me and making sure I am eating the proper amounts each day. But that needs to change, and I understand and realize that. He said "Of course you won't be all on your own because you still have your treatment making sure you are eating enough - but you can't rely on and expect others to do it for you." And what he says is true. I need to find that strength inside and I need to do it for myself.

He says that I have been holding onto the rope with one hand (sometimes both hands) for too long, and I need to let go of it! I said "What if I fail? What if I "freak out?" What if I am not strong enough?" And he said - that's what him and the other people on my treatment team are for. To help me when I feel like that. He said that it won't be easy at all. He said it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. He said there WILL be slips and steps backwards but I need to focus on the positive things that I am doing and let the people around me help. And in our weekly sessions he said that I am allowed to freak out - and he will help me figure out ways to cope - since I am starting to truly let go of my coping skill (which is my eating disorder). I said "But what if I let go of it completely and then realize that I NEED it?" And he said that we will figure out other coping skills (healthier ones) for me to have and cling to and "need". 
I also talked to him about the "voices" in my head (I realize that sounds like I am crazy - and sometimes, I feel like I am) and how the "voices" or my eating disorder thoughts seriously consume my mind! It's truly like a battle of good and evil going on in my head - and it's overwhelming and it's exhausting!!! He said that the more I fight those thoughts and feelings and the more I focus and work on recovery - the quieter those voices will become. But it's going to take a ton of hard work, persistence, and time. And he promised that he would be there every step of the way right beside me. And I am SO thankful for that!!! 

It will be scary. It will be hard. But I am going to TRY to let go of the rope a little more! So wish me luck! Because it's time to practice letting go of the rope and I am terrified...


  1. Uuuuuuuuuuugh, I know that all too well. "What if I lose control and cannot deal? What if I cannot stand the stress? What if what if?" And Steve (my therapist) always tells me "well, you'll never know unless you try" which makes perfect sense... as it's true. Even so, it's so much harder than that!