After almost 3 months of being on "mandatory weight gain." I finally gave everyone what they wanted. Instead of hearing "you've lost weight, you can't keep losing!" or "you maintained this week but you are supposed to be gaining." I heard the words “you gained a little!” from my dietitian when she weighed me yesterday. I immediately felt a great deal of fear and panic – but after talking with her, and then talking to my therapist later in the afternoon – I started to feel better...kind of. Of course they are THRILLED and so happy that I gained weight this week... my dietitian said "I knew you could do it!" and my therapist said "I'm so proud of you!"
So why am I not happy? Why am I not proud of myself?? Why do I feel like I did something wrong, or why wasn't I more in control of things this week??? And it's so completely frustrating because I KNOW that it is the eating disorder voice telling me all of this and making me feel SO guilty about "giving in" this week and gaining weight. I don't know... I thought I was getting past the whole "weight" thing and I thought that I was moving forward in my recovery but maybe I am not.... I am pretty discouraged right now.
Because I KNOW this is so much deeper and more powerful than food and weight. And I have been put on weight restoration (mandatory weight gain) over and over and over - so WHY does my weight still affect me so much? WHY does food and weight still have so much control over me??