Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Weight GAIN

After almost 3 months of being on "mandatory weight gain."  I finally gave everyone what they wanted. Instead of hearing "you've lost weight, you can't keep losing!" or "you maintained this week but you are supposed to be gaining." I heard the words “you gained a little!” from my dietitian when she weighed me yesterday. I immediately felt a great deal of fear and panic – but after talking with her, and then talking to my therapist later in the afternoon – I started to feel better...kind of. Of course they are THRILLED and so happy that I gained weight this week... my dietitian said "I knew you could do it!" and my therapist said "I'm so proud of you!" 
 
So why am I not happy? Why am I not proud of myself?? Why do I feel like I did something wrong, or why wasn't I more in control of things this week??? And it's so completely frustrating because I KNOW that it is the eating disorder voice telling me all of this and making me feel SO guilty about "giving in" this week and gaining weight. I don't know... I thought I was getting past the whole "weight" thing and I thought that I was moving forward in my recovery but maybe I am not.... I am pretty discouraged right now.
 
Because I KNOW this is so much deeper and more powerful than food and weight. And I have been put on weight restoration (mandatory weight gain) over and over and over - so WHY does my weight still affect me so much? WHY does food and weight still have so much control over me??

5 comments:

  1. It is hard. Really hard. I still feel like crap these days because I haven't been throwing up lately. And part of me still wants to be anorexic. No one, except someone that has gone through it and had ED's voice in their head understands. And it sucks, but keep working at it because deep down inside you want to be in control of your life. Try just for like a second not to listen to ED. Sorry. I hope this helps, if not, well I Love You! And we need to hang out!

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  2. Well, it's a good thing, but it's a shitty thing. Weight gain is mean and nasty... and it's such a mix in the mind! "Yay and NO!" I always wonder why food and weight has such a big part of my mind, but than I remember because it's how my brain knows how to cope; life sucks and our minds distract us. It's no biggy, most people like of other things and this is just ours.

    Gabriella - I know how you feel, I still want to be anorexic at some times too. We just have to remember we got an ED because it helped us in some way at some point. ugh, it's so tough!

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  3. Thanks girls. I love you both and your comments really help me to try and continue to put things into perspective. I KNOW food and weight is my way of coping and avoiding the "REAL" issues. But sometimes those issues really suck and are really painful...

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  4. I know, I get to the point of pain with them where it's like "jesus, maybe I DO want my ED" and then I come to my senses. Anyway, when I kept up with my blog I always liked knowing someone was reading, it was like... recognition for my thoughts. ;)

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  5. Jill, when are you going to start up your blog again??? I need something to read! LOL.

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