Wednesday, March 18, 2009

confusion & frusteration

I don't understand what the crap is going on...

Since this is the third week in a row that I have gained weight, my dietician (after a lot of hesitation) has given me some exercise priviledges back! But there are some conditions I had to agree to:

1- I have to add yet ANOTHER snack to my meal plan (and it has to include fat, so it can't be fruit, veggies, or yogurt - which were all things I was suggesting to her for my extra snack).

2- I can ONLY exercise 3 days a week for 20 minutes...and I am ONLY allowed to slowly walk. Now, to be honest, I was disappointed that that is all she is giving me -- but then I decided that I should be grateful that I am getting anything.

Now, here is where the confusion sets in... drumroll please...
Next up was my session with my therapist. I told him (like I always do) what happened with the dietician. And he seemed pretty suprised as to why she is allowing me to exercise. He seemed very confused. I said, "I don't see why it's a problem since I have been gaining weight these past few weeks."
And so he scanned through my file to see what my weight has been these past few weeks and he said, "Yes, technically you have gained weight - but it's NOT a significant amount... so that is why I am confused as to why she is letting you exercise."
So to make a long story short, we pretty much got into an argument that ended with me in tears and feeling super confused and frusterated. Because I am trying to eat, I am trying to work hard at recovery! Before I left his office, he told me that he wasn't trying to discourage me - he just wants to me know and understand the REALITY of my situation. He thinks that I am in denial about (or I just don't realize) how serious my condition is. He thinks that I think that I am healthier than I really am.... So, when I tell him that I feel like I have been gaining weight, he is just trying to get me to understand that my perception is waaaay off from the reality... And that I need to realize and ACCEPT that things are not as "fine" as I keep telling myself and others that they are... ugh! It's so frusterating!
I said, "Just tell me my weight then! Prove it to me!!"
And he said "Jenn, you know I can't do that. You need to trust us and trust that we know and want what is best for you. Because right now, you are not able to make healthy and safe choices on your own, so you need us to help make them for you until you are strong enough to do it on your own. But you are doing better, you are making progress - it's just going to take time and you need to be patient. But I would like to see you gaining weight a little faster."
So, I don't know what's going on at the moment. Especially with my treatment plan, I have a feeling that it is going to be drastically changed... I am sure that my exercise priviledges are going to be taken away next week unless I am able to gain pounds and not just ounces.
But I think that is C-R-A-P because if I gain a few ounces, that's still gaining...
isn't it???


  1. I can see how you can be confused and frustrated. I think your therapist is right "you need to be patient". Recovery does not happen overnight. You are making progress!!Way to go! And you have a lot on your plate now, with the move coming. I am excited for you!!! Love you lots!

  2. I hate the whole "not enough" weight thing, I agree, weight is weight! And they have to remember that your body is working against you and increasing your metabolism. Even so, I'm no person to say what is right and not, but I hear you on the frustration! I didn't gain weight until I started working out... because I knew I had to feed myself in order to have the energy to keep that up.

    As a form of motivation, the way I feel now is AMAZING. It doesn't hurt to move and run and such, and I'm so much more alert and less depressed. Keep it up, girl, though I hate my body at times, the physical, mental, and emotional advances have made it SO WORTH IT.

  3. I think Jill has a lot of wonderful things to say that are both motivating and they make a lot of sense. In order to exercise you must eat enough to have the energy to both do the exercises and to get through the rest of the day. I know you are trying hard and that you're feeling frustrated with your feedback but instead of taking a step back why don't you try harder and prove them wrong. Show them that you can exercise and still gain the weight they want you to. You are amazingly strong and I KNOW you can do this! Keep trying and you'll make it. On those days that you just can't do it on your own, say a little payer and ask for a little help. You CAN do it Jennabee! I love ya.