Thursday, March 26, 2009

lunchtime

It's lunch time at work right now. For the next two hours, I will watch men and women of all different shapes and sizes go pick up fast food or go into the break room and get their lunches that they have brought with them to work. Most people eat at their desks because the break room is small, some people go home, and there is a small group of women who change clothes and go for a nice walk outside for exercise before they come back and eat their lunch. I watch them all as they get their food, heat it up, and eat and enjoy their meals.


Every single day I watch them. I am jealous of them and wonder how they can just eat their food without obsessing, getting anxious, or feeling extreme guilt) over the calories, fat, amount of food, if it's going to make them gain weight, or the hundreds of other ED thoughts that prevent me from eating or enjoying food. Now, I know that people do worry about that stuff, we all do to an extent - but not to the extreme that me (or others suffering from ED's) do. As I watch them, I feel such happiness for them and I think that they are so lucky that they are not trapped in this never-ending nightmare. And that they don't have this mental battle going on inside them every single time they eat... But at the same time, I feel sadness for me, because I know that I am not like them. I am different, but not in a good way. And it reminds me of the powerful grip that my eating disorder still has on me. My hope is that one day, I will be like them and I will be able to eat & enjoy my food right along side of them. And by "them" I am talking about friends, family, roommates, co-workers, anyone who is able to eat & enjoy their food without the interference of ED.

2 comments:

  1. I tend to wonder this when I see healthy, normal-weight girls downing something like a huge starbucks drink or piece of cake, something my mind is like "NO WAY!" and they don't even worry. Ugh, it blows my mind. Even so, remember we are all lucky for what we have: support, friends, loved ones, the power to go on.

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  2. I love your blog!!! <3 <3 <3

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