Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I am in T-R-O-U-B-L-E

I have had a rough week. I have had a really tough time eating and I panicked about getting weighed yesterday. Last week, my weight dropped significantly and they have really been concerned about my current weight and the fact that I can't lose anymore weight, and I was worried that it had dropped even more and I didn't want to get in trouble, so... I purposely missed my appointment with the dietitian. I still went to see my therapist, and when he asked me how my session with the dietitian went, I thought about lying but knew he would find out later that evening that I didn't go...so I told him the truth. He was disappointed which made me feel even worse, because I knew I should have gone and faced the music (or in this case the scale!) and I knew my dietitian was going to be upset, and NOW he was upset...Blah! Sometimes, I get so frustrated with myself! So, he told me that he was going to weigh me - but somehow, I was able to talk him out of it.

I am just really struggling with wanting to believe my treatment team and friends and family, but ALSO feeling confused because the thoughts in my head that are so strong tell me & make me feel things too - and I am confused! I don't know who to listen to... This is probably not making very much sense, but I just feel torn all of the time because I feel like I am being pulled in different directions all the time and I don't know which way to go and I get overwhelmed and scared and end up running back into the arms of my ed because it's my "safe" place. But he says that I NEED to start trusting him and everyone on the team MORE than I am. And that frustrates me too because I feel like they don't understand just how confusing and overwhelming and impossible that really is! It sounds like such a simple thing...but it's not!!! But I told him that I would keep trying, but I just feel super discouraged and I feel like all of this is causing me to slide further and further into my behaviors because my ed is what I turn to when I am feeling anxious, confused, scared, overwhelmed, sad, hurt, ect.

I don't know...I am just going to try to stay positive and somehow force myself to keep pushing and keep fighting - because that's all I can do.

4 comments:

  1. Oh, Jenn. I am sorry this is so hard and scary to let go of ED. But what does ED have to offer you? NOTHING! Your recovery team has everything to offer you! I know it is scary, I know it is easier to trust ED but try trusting your Recovery team! I love you and am praying for you always! Let the Lord be on your Recovery team with Him you can climb this mountain of recovery! I love you!!!

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  2. Jenn Just keep fighting. You know deep inside that ed is wrong.just keep fighting. In the meantime my family and I are praying for you. You CAN beat this!

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  3. Jennabee,
    I completely agree with what Jessica and Kimberly have said. You are trying so hard and I am so proud of you! Reaching out to others is a wonderful tool. Good job! You WILL show that ED who's boss and be back in charge of your life in no time at all. Some day you will look back and know how strong you were and are for overcoming this. It seems hard, but facing the pain now and head on is way better than facing this everyday for the rest of your life. YOU CAN AND WILL OVERCOME THIS! You are also in my prayers everyday. Rely on the Lord and he will help you especially on those down days. I love you!

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  4. God, Ed is such a safe place! And I keep thinking I'm so much happier with it... but really, you are just miserable the whole time you are dealing with him. Yet we keep turning to him! What the hell, it's like a dark, gross thing. Anyway, you are working so hard, you have to remember that. Don't be so hard on yourself, you ARE working and working HARD! Give yourself some credit! I do!

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