I have had a rough week. I have had a really tough time eating and I panicked about getting weighed yesterday. Last week, my weight dropped significantly and they have really been concerned about my current weight and the fact that I can't lose anymore weight, and I was worried that it had dropped even more and I didn't want to get in trouble, so... I purposely missed my appointment with the dietitian. I still went to see my therapist, and when he asked me how my session with the dietitian went, I thought about lying but knew he would find out later that evening that I didn't go...so I told him the truth. He was disappointed which made me feel even worse, because I knew I should have gone and faced the music (or in this case the scale!) and I knew my dietitian was going to be upset, and NOW he was upset...Blah! Sometimes, I get so frustrated with myself! So, he told me that he was going to weigh me - but somehow, I was able to talk him out of it.
I am just really struggling with wanting to believe my treatment team and friends and family, but ALSO feeling confused because the thoughts in my head that are so strong tell me & make me feel things too - and I am confused! I don't know who to listen to... This is probably not making very much sense, but I just feel torn all of the time because I feel like I am being pulled in different directions all the time and I don't know which way to go and I get overwhelmed and scared and end up running back into the arms of my ed because it's my "safe" place. But he says that I NEED to start trusting him and everyone on the team MORE than I am. And that frustrates me too because I feel like they don't understand just how confusing and overwhelming and impossible that really is! It sounds like such a simple thing...but it's not!!! But I told him that I would keep trying, but I just feel super discouraged and I feel like all of this is causing me to slide further and further into my behaviors because my ed is what I turn to when I am feeling anxious, confused, scared, overwhelmed, sad, hurt, ect.
I don't know...I am just going to try to stay positive and somehow force myself to keep pushing and keep fighting - because that's all I can do.