I developed anorexia at a time in my life when I was feeling very vunerable. I was very insecure and needed something to numb the hurt, the fear, the emptiness, the worthlessness...It was something I could control in a world that felt very much out of control! On the outside, a lot of times it seems like anorexia IS just about food and weight...but the truth is that when you uncover the outside layers, you discover the true underlying reasons for your eating disorder. It also slowly started to become my identity, it became "me." It was something that was mine and no one could take it away from me. The longer I was able to hide my anorexia from everyone, the deeper it absorbed itself into me. People knew I had a problem, they knew something was wrong with me - but i used all the excuses I could: "I am a picky eater, I have a fast metabolism, it's just depression, my period is just really irregular, I have insomnia, I am just really shy, ect."
I remember my mom taking me to doctor after doctor after doctor, and therapist after therapist after therapist, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I mean, all of the signs were there, but for some reason, people believed all of these excuses. So I started to believe that what I was doing was okay - because no one was telling me it wasn't...
Well, fast forward 10+ years to when I really spiraled out of control. I developed my anorexia by needing to feel in control of something, but anorexia had in fact taken over and was controling me! I was 25 years old, and I was very much near death at this point. People around me couldn't ignore the severity of it anymore, even I couldn't ignore it anymore! I was in a really bad place and if I didn't get help soon - I would die.
I wish I could say that this was when I was able to let go of anorexia, but it was only the beginning of this long journey to recovery. Even though this illness has nearly killed me many times, there is a reason why I developed it, and those underlying issues are the things I need to be able to work through (as scary, frightening, overwelming, painful, and broken they might be) before I can truly let go of this.