Monday, April 20, 2009

why anorexia? why me??

I developed anorexia at a time in my life when I was feeling very vunerable. I was very insecure and needed something to numb the hurt, the fear, the emptiness, the worthlessness...It was something I could control in a world that felt very much out of control! On the outside, a lot of times it seems like anorexia IS just about food and weight...but the truth is that when you uncover the outside layers, you discover the true underlying reasons for your eating disorder. It also slowly started to become my identity, it became "me." It was something that was mine and no one could take it away from me. The longer I was able to hide my anorexia from everyone, the deeper it absorbed itself into me. People knew I had a problem, they knew something was wrong with me - but i used all the excuses I could: "I am a picky eater, I have a fast metabolism, it's just depression, my period is just really irregular, I have insomnia, I am just really shy, ect."

I remember my mom taking me to doctor after doctor after doctor, and therapist after therapist after therapist, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I mean, all of the signs were there, but for some reason, people believed all of these excuses. So I started to believe that what I was doing was okay - because no one was telling me it wasn't...

Well, fast forward 10+ years to when I really spiraled out of control. I developed my anorexia by needing to feel in control of something, but anorexia had in fact taken over and was controling me! I was 25 years old, and I was very much near death at this point. People around me couldn't ignore the severity of it anymore, even I couldn't ignore it anymore! I was in a really bad place and if I didn't get help soon - I would die.

I wish I could say that this was when I was able to let go of anorexia, but it was only the beginning of this long journey to recovery. Even though this illness has nearly killed me many times, there is a reason why I developed it, and those underlying issues are the things I need to be able to work through (as scary, frightening, overwelming, painful, and broken they might be) before I can truly let go of this.

3 comments:

  1. I totally agree--- we all need to face the underlying things to help us face other issues. This is something that we all have to do. Anorexia has just covered up your feeling/issues for so long that there is a lot of laundry piled up. And Laundry sometimes can take a long time to catch up on because we are always wearing close. There are always issues but I know you can do this. And I think once you get through a couple of loads of laundry you will have skills to handle your issues and feelings and you can leave ED and deal with things in a healthy way. I love you, Jenn! Keep working hard, it will pay off!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Awe, Jessica, that's a lovely analogy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You dont know me...I saw your blog linked on a friends. But I am so glad I stumbled on it. This post is exactly what I feel...and I am grateful someone else gets it. So thanks for sharing your struggle!

    ReplyDelete