Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The First Step (beating ana - part 1)

I admit that I am powerless over my eating disorder & my life has become unmanageable.

We can only go so long dragging our heels about regaining our self respect. Eventually we could rather lie down and die than live another day without it - that is how exhausting it is to keep up our own brave face to the face we see reflected back to us in the mirror.

You need your energy for worthier battles. You have the fight of a lifetime on your hands - conserve, conserve, conserve. It has probably not escaped your attention that within the First Step statement lies the loaded cannon of the word powerless. Do not let your eating disorder take this word, and your hand, and run away to dangerous places. Remind yourself that, in the word powerless, also resides the word power.

When your mind is tempted to believe that powerless is all you have ever been, are now, or ever will be, instead affirm for yourself these or similar words:
I am only powerless when I refuse to acknowledge the power that my eating disorder has over me. Once I do this, I gain access to an inexhaustible source or strength and power. In completing my First Step, I receive the strength to ask for and accept help. I enter into the well-populated world of those striving with all their might for recovery and realize that I am not alone anymore! By walking willingly into a place where so many courageous warriors dwell, I become strong enough to acknowledge that I too have something that I struggle with, something that I cannot overcome by remaining alone in my eating disorder's presence. Now that I have accepted the role of student of the art and discipline of recovery, I access the potential to someday be a master in my own right!

Throughout my recovery, admitting that I am powerless and I can't fight my ED on my own, has been a very difficult thing for me to accept. I struggle with admitting that I am weak or out of control. I think I have always known, deep down inside, that this is a cold hard fact - but have been too scared, overwhelmed, guilty to admit it. But I know that I will not be able to truly progress and move forward in my recovery and in my life until I am able to honestly and whole-heartily admit this to others and to myself. Two and a half years ago, I was admitted as an inpatient, and I was forced to admit and accept that I had a problem that would kill me if I did not get help. But ever since then and throughout my recovery, I have really just been going through the motions of recovery, relapsing, going through the motions of recovery, relapsing, ect. It's been a vicious cycle and ever time I have relapsed I have felt more and more hopeless about the possibility of me, Jenn, being able to really and truly recover. The past couple of weeks have been very difficult for me emotionally. I have felt severe hopelessness, depression, anxiety... But thankfully, it woke me up and has forced me to admit that if I don't focus every part of me on recovery - I am going to die, and soon!
So, even though I am still very fragile physically and emotionally, and I feel like I can't do much - the best place to start is with the First Step.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Jennabee :) you continue to amaze me! I am so proud of you. I know you can do this! I love you. Keep on fighting and I'll always be in your corner.