Saturday, May 30, 2009

A girl in a state of complete shock.

I guess the biggest question I have right now is "why is life kicking me when i am already down on the freaking ground!" I am trying not to fall apart, I am trying not to be angry, I am trying not to throw my hands up in the air and say "I'm done! No more! You win whoever (or whatever) is trying to destroy me!!" But I don't know what else to do right now. 
I was laid off from my job last Thursday. I was completely blindsided by this. I thought that my position was one in the company that was safe from the effects of the crappy economy...but I was wrong. They had to lay off 10 people from my office, and unfortunately, my position was one of them. My parents have been really supportive these past few days. And I thank them from the bottom of my heart for that because I know their love and support is what's helping me attempt to think "rationally" and not completely fall into my eating disorder. Because that is the only thing I want to do right now. I haven't told anyone else, until now, because I am afraid of crying, of falling apart... but I KNOW that I need to let people in and I need to let people help me. I am just not very good at asking for help. I don't like to seem weak or needy or helpless...

I am scared for me, for my health and mental state, and for my future. Because I am not dealing with this well. But I am trying to take it one day at a time, and trying to lean on the support and love of family and friends - because right now that it all I can do. 



  1. that has to be sooo hard ... but it sounds like you are trying to have the right attitude about it all.
    the unknown is such a scary thing - i have been dealing with it for the past month and finally have some answers - and now i feel grounded again.

    you are going to be okay ...
    it is great that you have such a supportive family - use them ... allow them to help you.
    and i totally get what you are saying when you said you are afraid of falling apart. emotions scare me to death - especially when they feel uncontrollable. i am afraid they will swallow me and i will never find my way out - but they simply cannot do that. they will pass, and it will be much easier on you if you just allow them to come and allow people to hold you up.

    chin up. it will all work out.

    ps - thanks for the comment on my blog last week!

  2. Oh my goddness Jenn, I am SO SUPER SORRY to hear what happened with you job. That sucks like rocks! Totally sucks!!!

    On the POSITIVE SIDE (and yes, I do think, in my own opinion, that there might be a positive side to all of this total maddness), here is you chance to decide what you want out of life right now. I know that you have been struggeling a lot lately with the evil and totally devilish ED (he's such a jerk, for sure!). Perhaps this is God's way of giving you so much needed time to re-focus your life and get a break from working so you can re-focus your attention to kicking ED's smelly ass to the curb! For sure!

    You have also mentioned really wanting to go back to finishing your schooling in fashion. Although I know from experience it can be a hard career choice for those struggeling with an ED (and even for those not struggeling with an ED), maybe you could have some positive influence on the fashion industry. Maybe you can be that amazing person (and yes, I do believe you to be a total amazing rock-star goddess!)to change (if even a little) the way the fashion industry is right now. No more emaciated models. You could promote healthy living and fashion not having to be about Anorexia (or Bulimia, or any other ED for that matter). Just a thought. Perhaps you could even go into designing and focusing on childrens fashion. Just a thought.

    Use this time to reinvent yourself (in a healthy way). You deserve this time to focus on you and getting healthier in all mind, body and soul.

    You will get through this. You are so amazing. Trust in others. Allow others to help and support you through this hard time in your life. Lean on others! There are a lot of people who want to support you, me included!

    May the force be with you! You are such an awesome gal!


  3. I completely agree with the comment above. She sounds like she has been in a place similar to yours and has some wonderful insight to help you through this hard but potentially (if you allow it) wonderful time of discovery. Find yourself Jennabee. You are in there Jenn, the real you, the one who wants so desperately to break free of the chains ED has on you and your life and be free. Find her, nourish her, and become who you were meant to be. I love you and I know you can do this. You are an amazing person! We all believe in you.

  4. Hey girlfriend! So sorry to hear about the job. That stinks big time. I like the thoughts of the others here though. You can definitely use this time to reinvent yourself. Go back to school, volunteer, look into a career you've always wanted instead of one you've just been able to get or had to have. There's definitely a silver lining and I know you can find it. Definitely lean on your friends and family and let them help you. Also it really is ok to have a good cry every now and again. We're human and to me being human means experiencing that full range of emotions. Just know you're allowed to cry, scream, kick and pout but only for a little while. Then it's time to pull up your big girl panties and get back to life. ;) I know you'll pull through. Don't give up and don't give in! You've got so much more to offer the world. Love ya tons and if you ever need to chat or an escape (I hear what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, Ha ha ha!!!) I'm here for you. HUGS!!!

  5. Getting laid off is a real bitch. I am so, so sorry. I went through it in 2001 with the big tech bubble burst... I was devastated. My heart was broken. And you know what really pissed me off? When people told me things about "when one door closes, a window opens" and cheesy stuff like that. It just didn't help. I felt like they were minimizing the pain I was going through and how much of a BIG DEAL it was to me and my life.

    So I'm not going to throw in any sappy quotes but instead just wish you the best of luck. Please don't turn it inward and hurt yourself. Please try to take care of yourself! You will get through this, even if it feels like you won't. In the end, it really could be for the best. It ended up being a GOOD thing for me, believe it or not, but it took a long time for me to 1) find another job and 2) dig myself out of the horrible depression and deep sense of loss I felt.

    But trust me, it does get better. It does get easier.

  6. Glad I could see you this weekend, Jenn. I love you.

  7. Jenn! Hoping you are OK. Will you update us soon?