Tuesday, May 12, 2009

the honest truth

I met with my therapist and dietician yesterday.
I lost more weight...
They are more than concerned and pretty upset...
They have already been trying to get me admitted as an inpatient...
I am on the verge of being medically unstable thus, forcing me to be admitted...
I feel completely discouraged and defeated...
I am in physical pain...
I am in emotional pain...
I try to "fake it till I make it" but you can only do that for so long before you collapse...
I am confused...
I don't know why I can't let go of all of this...
I feel like anorexia is suffocating me...


BUT,


Somehow, someway I need to keep fighting...
I need to find that girl inside who believes in recovery...
That girl who believes there is a better life out there waiting for me...
I need to get angry...
I need to forgive myself...
I need to let go of all the guilt I hold inside of me...
I need to freaking eat!
I need to not let anorexia win.

4 comments:

  1. What are your thoughts on Ensure/Boost? I know not a favorite, but a good way to get in some extra calories when needed!

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  2. Sometimes when anorexia has such a strong hold, there is no amount of willpower or determination that can bring you out of it... at least in my experience, and the extra support is needed for you to be able to find your footing again and keep fighting. I know it can be incredibly discouraging, but taking that extra help isn't admitting defeat, it's being brave and not allowing the ED to win. I'm not saying you shouldn't try with all your might to do everything you can to try to fight right now, but it's okay if you need more help... thinking of you.

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  3. Oh Jenn! I love you! I can't wait to see you in a couple of weeks and give you a giant hug! I agree with previous post... it is okay to get more help. I am glad you are reaching to mom and dad for help. Keep reaching! I love you!

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  4. Thanks everyone.

    I am actually trying to drink 4-6 Ensure's a day...which I seem to be relying on "instead" of my meals, it seems. I know, not good, because it's supposed to be Ensure AND my meals - not Ensure
    INSTEAD of my meals...I am realizing that, and trying to work on it -- but we all know that ED can be a real bastard and can make you believe all sorts of crazy things... I am still having such a tough time separating my ed thoughts from "Jenn's" thoughts or even reality sometimes. You know?

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