Thursday, May 14, 2009
I'm running on empty...
Can you hit rock bottom, and just keep bouncing and hitting the freaking ground over and over and over...? YES! You can, because I am proof of that. In my journey through this illness and my attempts to recover, I never EVER just "hit rock bottom" and am done with it, I keep hitting it and hitting it and hitting it! And it hurts every single time! I am tired of hitting the ground, I can't keep doing it emotionally or physically...but I don't know what else to do.
I am back at work today, despite the fact that I went to the emergency room again yesterday and was there all night. I am exhausted! My body hurts and is tired, my mind is tired, I really should go home and sleep, but I have too much to do at work. Hopefully after work, I can go home, crawl into bed, and just sleep (until tomorrow when I have to get up and survive another day). That's what I am doing, I am NOT living - I am struggling to just survive each day. And that is no way to live! Maybe, I am just trying to hold off the inevitable (of going back in as an inpatient) but I REALLY need to do this on my own. I don't want to go back inpatient, I can't afford to go back inpatient...but maybe, honestly & truly that it what I need right now, because I can't seem to do it on my own.
I will write more later, I am just SO tired right now, and I have to get back to work. I love you all so much!