Thursday, May 14, 2009

I'm running on empty...

Can you hit rock bottom, and just keep bouncing and hitting the freaking ground over and over and over...? YES! You can, because I am proof of that. In my journey through this illness and my attempts to recover, I never EVER just "hit rock bottom" and am done with it, I keep hitting it and hitting it and hitting it! And it hurts every single time! I am tired of hitting the ground, I can't keep doing it emotionally or physically...but I don't know what else to do.

I am back at work today, despite the fact that I went to the emergency room again yesterday and was there all night. I am exhausted! My body hurts and is tired, my mind is tired, I really should go home and sleep, but I have too much to do at work. Hopefully after work, I can go home, crawl into bed, and just sleep (until tomorrow when I have to get up and survive another day). That's what I am doing, I am NOT living - I am struggling to just survive each day. And that is no way to live! Maybe, I am just trying to hold off the inevitable (of going back in as an inpatient) but I REALLY need to do this on my own. I don't want to go back inpatient, I can't afford to go back inpatient...but maybe, honestly & truly that it what I need right now, because I can't seem to do it on my own.

I will write more later, I am just SO tired right now, and I have to get back to work. I love you all so much! 


  1. So sorry things are so sucky. You deserve to LIVE and not just survive, whatever that takes. Take care of yourself and be careful, this is scary stuff.

  2. Ahhh girl! I am soo sorry to hear that you were in the hospital all night. That's got to suck! You're right though- going inpatient is expensive (you mentioned not being able to "afford" it) but perhaps it would be a good thing for your right now. Regardless of what you decide to do, I am sure that you will have plenty of people continuing to root for your and be your sideline cheerleaders, supporting you all of the way!

    God bless! Keep fighting!

  3. Oh Jennabee I'm so sorry. Be strong. We're praying for you. Have you sincerely asked for His help yet? I know I sound like a broken record but I've been to that point when it feels like all is lost and you have nothing else to give. When you feel helpless and out of control and I know the hurt and physical pain can cloud over everything in your life. You need to really look inside yourself decide what you want and ask for the help to get there. He is waiting with open arms to pull you through this, I promise. I love you and I hope I'm not annoying the crap out of you, I just know this is one way I can help.

  4. Jenn, I'm so sorry to hear you were back in the hospital. What happened?

    I hope you can get a lot of rest and relaxation this weekend (and nutrition!) and feel better. You're in my thoughts.

  5. You haven't posted in a few days. I hope that you had a good weekend and that you are doing okay! God Bless!