My number one focus right now is following my meal plan as perfectly as I can. Gaining and stabilizing my weight is the biggest factor that will keep me out of inpatient. But... I wish it was as easy as just saying "okay, I am going to eat all this food, every single day, and be okay with gaining a ton of weight." But if I am being completely honest - that statement really scares me! But I am going to do it! I have to do it!
I am just trying to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time... and I am trying to not think about all the food I have to eat (six times a day) and the impossible amount of weight I have to gain to get to my "goal weight." But I DO think about it...so...I try to distract myself and I try to keep myself busy. I know I have a humongous obstacle in front of me, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't completely terrified of the eating and the weight gain. But I know that with the support of my family, friends, and my treatment team -- I will be able to keep pushing forward!!! My therapist always says "Feel the fear, and do it anyway!" And that is something that is so scary for people with ed's. We feel safer and more comfortable when we numb our feelings. "Feeling" our feelings is so incredibly scary to us and something that we have tried to avoid for so long. But a huge part of recovery is learning to understand our feelings and being able to sit with our feelings and still be okay. So, that is what I am trying to do. I am trying to "feel the fear, and do it anyway." But it sure is a terrifying and unnatural thing for me.
Also, this week I have re-committed to following my meal plan 100% and my body is really really not agreeing with this! I know that I need to be patient and give my body the time it needs to accept that I am going to allow it to have food, a lot of food all day long... But I am really having severe stomach and digestive issues (and the fact that I am trying so hard to not use laxatives & diuretics is making the stomach and digestive issues SO much worse because my body has forgotten how to work properly without these things...) So, my body is kind of hating me now, and I am kind of hating my body. And it's only week one... I know it's going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope that I am strong enough mentally, emotionally, and physically to hang on until it starts to get a bit easier. Because I am really doubting myself right now.