Monday, June 29, 2009

I'm trying to be okay...

Two weeks ago, I re-commited to follow my insane meal plan. And the verdict from the dietician today... I am finally starting to gain some weight! I have been eating a lot better during these past two weeks, but is it getting any easier?? NOPE! Listen, I am just being honest.

I want to be okay with eating all this food, I want to be okay with gaining weight...but I am not right now, and I would be lying if I said I was okay with it. But... I know that it is what needs to happen, so I am white-knuckling it and I am doing it, despite the negative & loud voice that is constantly in my head! I am trying to distract myself and focus on other things - but it's still such a challenge for me. But I will get there, I know I will!


I'm doing okay, I think. I am really trying to be okay. I am starting to pull myself out of that deep dark hole that I fell into and couldn't get out of for a few months there. It seems like when I crash...I really know how to crash! And that is something that does concern me, and it concerns my treatment team, and my family, and my friends. I need to learn how to stop the relapses before they completely consume me! But I haven't seemed to figure that out yet...

Something I am working on with my therapist is learning how to dream again. I had dreams when I was younger, I was a big dreamer! First I wanted to be a gymnast or ballerina, then I wanted to be a singer in a girl group, then I wanted to be a songwriter in Nashville or New York, then I wanted to live in Manhattan and work in the fashion industry. But unfortunately, my e.d. has been involved too much in my life to ever allow any of these dreams to become a reality. In my early twenties, I wrote songs for aspiring singers and loved to be in recording studios - it was my whole world. But e.d. took it away from me. Then in my mid twenties, I decided to give that up and focus on my other passion. So I went to fashion design school and loved it! And I had dreams of moving to New York and working for a fashion magazine or owning my own clothing boutique. But once again, e.d. took that away from me also and forced me to drop out.

So, my therapist is working with me on discovering my passions again, and trying to get me to believe that it's not too late for me to reach out and follow my dreams! He is helping me learn to believe in myself again, and helping me to take the steps and make the decisions that will help me get to those dreams. But first, I need to be healthy! I can't have these dreams and accomplish what I hope to accomplish if e.d. is still in my life. I can't! So, I need to be strong enough to let that part of me go, and let it go forever...and to be completely honest - that really terrifies me right now, because as much as my e.d. has hurt me throughout all these years, it has been the only constant in my life. And it's hard to let that go.

 

3 comments:

  1. Jenn-- good job on committing and sticking to it! I am proud of you! Keep it up! In my prayers and thoughts! Love you!

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  2. Jenn!! I am soooo PROUD OF YOU for sticking to it, even though it probably feels like the most difficult thing you have ever had to do before.

    Keep reaching for your dreams, and if anyone tells you that it's not possible, tell them to "shut up"...And then proceed to tell them to take it up with me, because I would love to put those none believers in their place!

    --

    On another note, I didn't know that you used to song write for new artists! That is super cool.

    Like I told you this weekend, and like I will continue to tell you...I think that all of your "dreams" are 100 percent possible! Write-up a game plan, make some connections, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, and ANYTHING IN THIS LIFE IS POSSIBLE! Even your most "wildest" and out there dreams, are 100 percent believable.

    And honestly, what's living without living with dreams?

    Good luck and may the force continue to be with you!

    Keep on rockin' it! And it was soooo much fun going out the other night. We shall have to make this a regular habit!:)

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  3. Jennabee,
    Sorry I have been away for a while. It's been a crazy month. I am so proud of you! You are an amazing woman and I feel blessed to know you and to have had you as a friend all these years.

    Thank you for your example of strength, it has meant a lot to me. I love you and I am proud of the progress you have made. Keep on working and you will beat this. I believe in you.

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