Two weeks ago, I re-commited to follow my insane meal plan. And the verdict from the dietician today... I am finally starting to gain some weight! I have been eating a lot better during these past two weeks, but is it getting any easier?? NOPE! Listen, I am just being honest.
I want to be okay with eating all this food, I want to be okay with gaining weight...but I am not right now, and I would be lying if I said I was okay with it. But... I know that it is what needs to happen, so I am white-knuckling it and I am doing it, despite the negative & loud voice that is constantly in my head! I am trying to distract myself and focus on other things - but it's still such a challenge for me. But I will get there, I know I will!
I'm doing okay, I think. I am really trying to be okay. I am starting to pull myself out of that deep dark hole that I fell into and couldn't get out of for a few months there. It seems like when I crash...I really know how to crash! And that is something that does concern me, and it concerns my treatment team, and my family, and my friends. I need to learn how to stop the relapses before they completely consume me! But I haven't seemed to figure that out yet...
Something I am working on with my therapist is learning how to dream again. I had dreams when I was younger, I was a big dreamer! First I wanted to be a gymnast or ballerina, then I wanted to be a singer in a girl group, then I wanted to be a songwriter in Nashville or New York, then I wanted to live in Manhattan and work in the fashion industry. But unfortunately, my e.d. has been involved too much in my life to ever allow any of these dreams to become a reality. In my early twenties, I wrote songs for aspiring singers and loved to be in recording studios - it was my whole world. But e.d. took it away from me. Then in my mid twenties, I decided to give that up and focus on my other passion. So I went to fashion design school and loved it! And I had dreams of moving to New York and working for a fashion magazine or owning my own clothing boutique. But once again, e.d. took that away from me also and forced me to drop out.
So, my therapist is working with me on discovering my passions again, and trying to get me to believe that it's not too late for me to reach out and follow my dreams! He is helping me learn to believe in myself again, and helping me to take the steps and make the decisions that will help me get to those dreams. But first, I need to be healthy! I can't have these dreams and accomplish what I hope to accomplish if e.d. is still in my life. I can't! So, I need to be strong enough to let that part of me go, and let it go forever...and to be completely honest - that really terrifies me right now, because as much as my e.d. has hurt me throughout all these years, it has been the only constant in my life. And it's hard to let that go.