I have been maintaining my weight for the past few weeks. That's good because it means I am not losing any weight, but it's bad because I am supposed to be gaining weight! I was feeling pretty proud of myself for being able to maintain and not lose any weight (especially considering the horrible-ness that has been my life these past few weeks) but apparantly it isn't good (or "enough") to be maintaining when you are at a dangerously low weight...ugh! Do people not realize how incredibly difficult weight gain is for me right now?!?!?
I am struggling a ton. I am not sure what I am going to do, but I need to make a decision soon. I think the plan is I am going to use the severance package my job gave me (which is a pretty decent amount) and get unemployement to help pay my rent and my bills - and take a little time off from working full time so I am able to focus 100 and a billion percent on recovery and getting healthy. The thing I am struggling with the most is deciding whether to do inpatient, or IOP, or continuing the partial IOP that I am doing now. I don't know, and everyone is giving me their opinions (and they are all different, might I add) but my therapist says that it needs to be my decision... I am super stressed because I don't know what the right decision is. And to make things even more stressful, I don't have a lot of money and health insurance to keep trying different things. My parents and I have already paid SO much money for my previous hospital, inpatient, and IOP stays that the money is kinda running out. Damn health insurances! I hate them with all of my heart and soul!!! So that's where I am at the moment.
I am also struggling with the fact that I feel very very despondent and adrift. I feel like life is going on all around me and I am just merely wandering day in and day out, not really here or there. I am struggling with the fact that I am 28 years old, still single, no job, have chronic (and all-consuming) health problems, and not sure what "I want to be when I grow up". I have had dreams and have tried to go after them, but because of my eating disorder - they have all been taken away from me. And as the years go by they have slowly been floating away. I want them back! I am just not sure I have the strength or the energy to fight for them. I am not even sure I know what they are anymore.
This is what I am currently working on with my treatment team:
w/ therapist: Trying to recapture my dreams. Find out what I love and want to do - and use that as motivation to keep fighting for recovery and a reason to get better. Work on not putting so many expectations on myself. Continuing to learn to "let go" of my past and being able to forgive myself. And making a decision about what level of treatment I am going to do (meaning IP, IOP, ect.)
w/dietician: I need to try my hardest to follow my meal plan and eat everything on it! I need to start gaining weight consistently. We are also working on body image and daily affirmations I need to be saying out loud to myself every day. I have them posted all over my room.
w/ doctor: I need to continue to eat and get my weight stabilized, keep working on trying to get my potassium levels stable, make sure I drink enough fluids to keep electrolytes and everything stable, and stay out of the e.r!
But... even though things are kinda super horrible right now. I am not giving up, I am not going to throw in the towel, I am not going to just lay down and die - I want my life back and I want so desperately to believe that I CAN have it back! That is the prayer that is in my heart all of the time, that someday this will all be behind me and I will truly be happy and be able to enjoy life again.