Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Did I want the chocolate covered pretzel??

Last Saturday, I went with some friends up to Park City to play. While we were on Main Street we went into the Chocolate Factory and got some chocolate covered pretzel sticks. Well, I didn't want mine... or did my eating disorder not want it...or did I really want it??? I didn't know! So, I did what I do most of the time - I went over to a trash can and quietly slipped mine in.

Then when I saw my therapist on Monday, we talked about this and he asked me what thoughts were going through my head as I contemplated whether I should eat it or not. I said:

"Don't eat it!"
"It will make you fat!"
"You will lose control and eat too much!"
"You don't want it!"
"You shouldn't want it!"
"Think of all the guilt you will feel if you eat it!"
"You are stronger, show me your self-control!"
Those are the thoughts that my e.d. kept screaming in my head, and even though I do try to talk back to it and think rationally - sometimes I feel like it would just be better to not eat the food in question and therefore, not have to endure all the intense guilt and negative feelings I would have afterwards. Then, he asked me the question: "Did "jenn" want it??" I thought about it for a minute and then said, "Yeah, I think I did want some of it." My therapist and my dietician have been trying to teach me about something that is so impossible for me to grasp and understand right now which is ... intuitive eating! 

But it's hard for me because most of the time I don't know the difference between what I want and what my e.d. wants. But I just have to keep challenging those e.d. thoughts and start to re-learn what foods I really do like! (which is SO scary!) But honestly right now, I feel like this is something I will never acheive - maybe it's because all these thoughts have been my "truth" and my way of thinking for soooo loooonnnng - but I really want to believe that there will come a day (soon I hope) that I will be able to be an intuitive eater because I think that would be so awesome!
Then this morning, I went to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House and they had cookies in the reception area after you went through the tour. Well, instead of just by-passing the refreshments like I tend to do, I took one of the cookies. I was trying to figure out if "jenn" wanted it or not. They announced at the beginning of the tour that there would be cookies afterwards so they whole time I was thinking in my head and trying to figure out if I wanted a cookie or not. But I didn't know! I don't know what foods I want - especially, when they are "fear foods" or not on my meal plan.  

My treatment team keeps trying to encourage me to eat something if I want it even though it's not on my meal plan - like the cookie or the pretzel. But I feel guilty for eating "extras". Especially when my meal plan is as humongous as it is right now!!! Anyways, now I am rambling. I am just frusterated and confused because I don't know what I want, so I get afraid to eat things... I hope this is making sense to some of you, because it isn't quite making sense to me at the moment. But I just gotta keep on truckin! Fight the e.d. thoughts and move forward in recovery!!!


  1. school orientation is this week and they keep on having lunches with all these foods that are so hard to, chips, sandwiches, cookies. I hate it because I feel fat and guilty for eating them. But it is hard and there are 230+ people sitting around and doing it, and I don't want to be singled out at the beginning as "that girl." I know how it feels girly...keep on trying and going strong! <3

  2. Wow Jennabee,
    That does sound terribly confusing....I don't really know how this all works, but would it help at all to maybe meet in the middle and take a few bites to see if "Jenn" wants it and then if you decide "Jenn" doesn't like it you can throw it away? I don't know if that's helpful or not. Most of the time that's how I choose when something looks yummy but I don't know if I really want it. If when I try it I think it tastes good I keep eating but if it's just ok or my body says "bleh" I throw it away. I'm not sure that this makes sense to anyone else, but I hope some of it helps you to find yourself amid all the confusion.

  3. Gabi, it will be okay. Just try not to stress yourself out too much - I know, easier said than done but just eat what you are COMFORTABLE with and just try to take it one meal at a time. Try not to worry about the people around you, and don't force yourself to eat things that will freak you out or give you anxiety. It will get easier! I PROMISE!!! I love you and I am ALWAYS here for you!

  4. Oh Mandy (moore!) haha, but seriously everytime I see a picture of her I always think of you!!!

    Thanks for the advice! I love hearing from you because I miss your guts soooooo much!!! Let me know when you are up here again so we can hang out! HUGS from me!

  5. You have done a great job expressing how I feel quite often. I'm terrified to eat right now because - well - I don't want to get fat!! I just lost a bunch of weight (which I'm happy about because it wasn't TOO much and I'm in a healthy range) but losing the weight took me back to all of my old anorexic habits from 10 years ago. Why do I feel like I'll be battling this for the rest of my life?? Food is now the devil again ... Thanks for sharing your story - it helps.

  6. Hey girly! Are you back in Australia now?? I hope you are doing okay and if you EVER need to talk or vent or whatever, please know that I am here for you!! Do you have support? Are there people in your life that know what you struggle with? I have found that to be a very important thing in my recovery! We can't fight this alone, as much as we want to or as much as we think we can - it's just TOO big to fight without the support behind us.

    Talk to you later!