Then when I saw my therapist on Monday, we talked about this and he asked me what thoughts were going through my head as I contemplated whether I should eat it or not. I said:
"Don't eat it!"
"It will make you fat!"
"You will lose control and eat too much!"
"You don't want it!"
"You shouldn't want it!"
"Think of all the guilt you will feel if you eat it!"
"You are stronger, show me your self-control!"
Those are the thoughts that my e.d. kept screaming in my head, and even though I do try to talk back to it and think rationally - sometimes I feel like it would just be better to not eat the food in question and therefore, not have to endure all the intense guilt and negative feelings I would have afterwards. Then, he asked me the question: "Did "jenn" want it??" I thought about it for a minute and then said, "Yeah, I think I did want some of it." My therapist and my dietician have been trying to teach me about something that is so impossible for me to grasp and understand right now which is ... intuitive eating!
But it's hard for me because most of the time I don't know the difference between what I want and what my e.d. wants. But I just have to keep challenging those e.d. thoughts and start to re-learn what foods I really do like! (which is SO scary!) But honestly right now, I feel like this is something I will never acheive - maybe it's because all these thoughts have been my "truth" and my way of thinking for soooo loooonnnng - but I really want to believe that there will come a day (soon I hope) that I will be able to be an intuitive eater because I think that would be so awesome!
Then this morning, I went to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House and they had cookies in the reception area after you went through the tour. Well, instead of just by-passing the refreshments like I tend to do, I took one of the cookies. I was trying to figure out if "jenn" wanted it or not. They announced at the beginning of the tour that there would be cookies afterwards so they whole time I was thinking in my head and trying to figure out if I wanted a cookie or not. But I didn't know! I don't know what foods I want - especially, when they are "fear foods" or not on my meal plan.
My treatment team keeps trying to encourage me to eat something if I want it even though it's not on my meal plan - like the cookie or the pretzel. But I feel guilty for eating "extras". Especially when my meal plan is as humongous as it is right now!!! Anyways, now I am rambling. I am just frusterated and confused because I don't know what I want, so I get afraid to eat things... I hope this is making sense to some of you, because it isn't quite making sense to me at the moment. But I just gotta keep on truckin! Fight the e.d. thoughts and move forward in recovery!!!