Sorry I have been absent on my blog for a little bit. There has just been SO much going on with IOP and recovery, and I didn't even know where to start talking about it all. There is so much "static" in my head. In past treatment programs and therapy I have allowed myself to go only "so far" before I would stop and shut down when it came to the feelings, emotions, and events that have led to my development and continuation of my eating disorder. And I know that is one of the biggest reasons why I have remained so sick for so long. But, this time - I am going as far as I need to and feeling all those feelings that I have tried to avoid or minimize in the past. Because I know I won't get better unless I am willing to dig deep down.
But it's been so incredibly difficult, I can't even explain how hard it has been this time around. I feel my emotions are all over the freaking place, and I have cried and had breakdowns every single day for over a week now! I hate it and I feel out of control - and it is making the urges of wanting to use my "behaviors" to help cope and numb all of this out SO MUCH STRONGER. But I can't, and I won't.
My therapist keeps telling me that it's good that I am feeling this way because that means that I am really starting to heal -- I really hope he is right... He also keeps reminding me that because I have struggled since I was 13 years old, and the eating disorders thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors are SO ingrained deep deep within me - it is only going to get worse before it gets better. And that the thing I need to do is hold on and push through until I am able to make it through all of this! And I have him, and the rest of my treatment team (and now IOP) right there with me and they are not going to let me fall and they are not going to leave me alone or give up on me. And I am so grateful to my treatment team and to all of my family and friends who love and support me!!! I wouldn't be able to do this without any of you!
I will update more later! I really do miss writing on my blog the way I used to because it's been very therapeutic for me and it helps me process things, but I have just felt so emotionally drained from IOP that it's hard to get on here and write about everything... Does that make sense??? But I will try to write on here more because I love reading all the comments you post on my blog and I love reading your blogs as well!! It really does give me a boost and a little push forward when all I want to do is stand still (or fall backwards).