It's been a seriously rough week for me. It seems like I have been struggling in pretty much every area of my recovery - sometimes, when it rains it pours!!! But it's okay because I made it through the week and I am determined to pick myself back up and keep on going! It has been really tough to get back on track "behavior wise" and "thinking wise." (which might only make sense to those of you who are struggling too...) But I am taking one step at a time and trying to not get so upset with myself when I continue to make mistakes - recovery is a process! You will have good days and bad days, ups and downs, slips and steps forwards! But despite all of the struggling (and shame and guilt I have felt because of it) I have been able to be honest with my treatment team and admit everything to them.
One thing that my therapist told me yesterday was "I am not upset that you were keeping things from me, I am upset that you had to obsess about it and feel all this guilt about what you were doing (or not doing) and feeling like you couldn't tell anyone." Wow! I was not expecting that! I was expecting to get lectured or him to get upset about the behaviors, but instead he was more concerned about the effect it was all having on me! I really appreciated that because it did take away some of that guilt and shame I was feeling about the past little bit.
We also talked about how I am still obsessing and comparing myself to everyone else. Not only body wise but I also compare my level of success, happiness, personality, ect. I compare myself to others because I don't feel good enough about myself, I don't feel like I am "enough," I don't like who I am... And I need to stop!!! But it's so hard to stop something that has been so automatic for so long. We did come up with something for me to work on. Even though I can't stop the thoughts from coming in (right now in my recovery) I can stop how I react to them! So that is what I am going to try to work on.
We also talked about my struggles with body distortion. Because one of the things that happened this week was me finding out what my weight was... Yes, it was disaster because that is a huge trigger for me!! Especially because I am on weight restoration and I am always so worried about gaining "too much" weight! Because I feel like I gained way too much weight after being inpatient at NLC where I was forced to gain weight - which is one of the factors that triggered my relapse, not the only one but one of them! And I think that is why this time around it's been even harder for me to gain the necessary amount of weight, because I am doing it on the "outside" Not inside a hospital like before.
But I know rationally that I need to gain weight to be healthy! There is just another voice screaming in my head (good ol' ed) all of the time telling me not to gain weight...and telling me a crap load of other lies as well! It's a total control thing for me (I can't control "A,B, or C...or D, or E, or........" - but I can control my weight and what I eat or don't eat) and it's scary to let go of that control because it's been my way of coping for sooooooo long... So, I am just having a really hard time accepting that - and it is stalling my recovery, but I am working on it! I am working on it every single day! That's what the recovery process is all about right? Anyways, where was I? I kind of got off track...
Oh yeah! Body distortion is something that I still have a hard time believing is really true! Yes...still!!! I told him that the number couldn't be right because when I look at myself I see someone who is a lot heavier than that number!!! So we did one of those lovely body tests that therapists and dieticians love to do so much. He didn't have a measuring tape or string in his office so we used tape instead. He had me pull off how much I thought was the size of my waist. And then he told me to put it on the floor in a circle and show me what I thought my waist was. I told him that his plan was going to completely backfire because I was so going to get this right! Then when I was satisfied with the size, we cut off the extra part so the tape would be the exact size I thought my waist was. Let me just say, I was pretty dang confident about this! I have done zillions of different "body tests" like this throughout treatment (remember body tracings gals??) Then I put the tape around my waist... I was really really off! I couldn't believe it! We put the tape back down on the floor and arranged it in a circle again but this time it was the true size of my waist - but all I was thinking in my head was "There is no way, that can't be the size of my waist!!!" But then he said, "See - this is just more proof that you are unable to see your body accurately, so stop comparing and stop judging!!!
Anyways, like I said - it has been a rough week "behavior wise" and "thinking wise" because of the above topics but also some that I didn't mention in this post. But, I am on the upswing, and I am working hard to get back on track! Because I want recovery and I want life!!