The reasons why I have felt like I needed to exaggerate:
I feel like:
- I am letting my friends and family down
- I am letting my treatment team down
- I don't want people to keep worrying about me
- I am horribly weak
- I feel guilty that I am STILL struggling so much
- I don't want my roommates or others who DON'T know about my ed to find out
- I feel like people won't like me if they know the REAL ME
- I don't want to be a a greater burden (than I already feel like I am)
- I want people to be PROUD of me
- I don't want to be judged or labeled because of my ed
- Maybe if I pretend I am doing better than I really am... IT WILL COME TRUE
And because of all these reasons, I have been exaggerating about how well I have really been doing. I am NOT proud of it and my therapist totally called me out on it yesterday during IOP. He is not upset, him (along with my treatment team) are just very concerned about me and how this is affecting my recovery. Because I am - in a way - living in secrecy. I am struggling with recovery and I am so afraid to admit to people just how much I am struggling because I don't want to let anyone down. I just put on my smile and act like I am doing well and getting better, while on the inside I am falling apart and breaking down.
It's so hard and scary for me to be completely honest with everyone because of all the reasons above. But I made a commitment yesterday to work on trying to be more honest because that is the only way I am truly going to get better. I just don't want to disappoint everyone. I just want people to be proud of me. And I am so sick and tired of being the "girl with the eating disorder". But by pretending that I am doing better than I really am doesn't change any of those things. All it does is push me further away from true recovery and back into the arms of anorexia.