Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I need to NOT be afraid to be honest!

Yesterday was rough. While I was sitting in therapy, I was forced to admit to myself and to my therapist (who already knew by the way & just wanted to hear it from me) that I have not been completely honest with everyone about my recovery. I do tell the truth, but I tend to exaggerate that truth to make it appear that I am doing better than I really am. Do I do it to protect others? To protect myself?? I think it's both of those reasons.
The reasons why I have felt like I needed to exaggerate:

I feel like:
- I am letting my friends and family down
- I am letting my treatment team down
- I don't want people to keep worrying about me
- I am horribly weak
- I feel guilty that I am STILL struggling so much
- I don't want my roommates or others who DON'T know about my ed to find out
- I feel like people won't like me if they know the REAL ME
- I don't want to be a a greater burden (than I already feel like I am)
- I want people to be PROUD of me
- I don't want to be judged or labeled because of my ed
- Maybe if I pretend I am doing better than I really am... IT WILL COME TRUE

And because of all these reasons, I have been exaggerating about how well I have really been doing. I am NOT proud of it and my therapist totally called me out on it yesterday during IOP. He is not upset, him (along with my treatment team) are just very concerned about me and how this is affecting my recovery. Because I am - in a way - living in secrecy. I am struggling with recovery and I am so afraid to admit to people just how much I am struggling because I don't want to let anyone down. I just put on my smile and act like I am doing well and getting better, while on the inside I am falling apart and breaking down.
 
It's so hard and scary for me to be completely honest with everyone because of all the reasons above. But I made a commitment yesterday to work on trying to be more honest because that is the only way I am truly going to get better. I just don't want to disappoint everyone. I just want people to be proud of me. And I am so sick and tired of being the "girl with the eating disorder". But by pretending that I am doing better than I really am doesn't change any of those things. All it does is push me further away from true recovery and back into the arms of anorexia. 

5 comments:

  1. *hugs* lots of thoughts but few words going through my mind, a LOT of compassion though...

    It sounds like you're doing a lot of worrying about everyone else... it also sounds like you've been trying to disappear and them worrying about you draws attention to you and stops that end goal (slightly hypothesising here)... Hunni, clearly people care about you A LOT and if what they SEE (visually, emotionally, behaviourally) doesn't add up with what they're being told by you...they're gonna worry MORE! Seriously! You know when you get those phone calls from the friend that sounds like they're upset and they ASSURE you they're fine and you just can't shake the feeling that they're not okay?? It's the same thing.

    Hun, the people that don't care, won't notice and won't care... but those who care, they'll notice and you won't stop them worrying regardless. I know it might seem odd, but they WANT to care and want to worry! They (and I am included in that "they") think you're worth worrying about!!

    Pride is such a very funny thing :) I love to read your blog because there is emotion, compassion, fight, intelligence and also a sense of fun at appropriate times... those are the things that make me "proud" to be able to read your blog! I'm guessing it is the qualities about you that make others proud to know you too. Hunni, there will be days where you do something that makes someone "proud" but if its not repeated the next day, that's okay! If it were easy to achieve I kinda think the "pride" would be somewhat misplaced!! Also, that doesn't mean someone gets "unproud" rather that they give a hug and a tear joining in compassion instead of a smile that day! That's okay :) That's humanity, life... and most of all, that is what God wants us to hold on to!

    I hear the fear and exhaustion in this post... someone once asked me how far God would let someone fall before he caught them. My answer was: all the way. In that instance, the girl he referred to actually went and overdosed a week or so later... but that was her turning point and she has essentially gone from strength to strength since.

    Jenn, don't be afraid to fall! Don't be afraid to break. He who is stronger than we can imagine, will gently pick you up and start to help you redesign your life. Keep breathing, keep speaking the truth... the pain will end and life will be brighter again.

    As long as you keep writing and as long as I'm breathing, I'll keep reading irrespective of how you are! I might not be anybody in particular, but I have faith that you have a story to tell and its a story worth listening too.

    Always Telly xo

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  2. Yes, honesty! There's not much point when you don't have that right? Your time in IOP is limited -- you need to take advantage of it as much as you can! And hiding things... that's not going to do you any good. :\

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  3. Hi Jenn,
    I visited your blog after you posted it on MentorConnect. Just wanna encourage you to keep on persevering on the recovery track. I can relate to your feelings of fear about disappointing the people around you. But you've taken a big step in acknowledging and being honest to yourself. It's not easy, but step by step, we can do it. By the way, I have a blog too, at http://soulvoyager.wordpress.com and a website at http://health-insideout.com. I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to add me to your links if you like. =) Take care and keep well, Jenn. Hugz...

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  4. Jennabee,
    I am sooooo sorry that I haven't been around lately. I feel like I have let you down. I have had a hard time fitting me time into our new schedule since school has started. I am hoping to get on here at least once a week. Again I am sorry.

    I am glad to see you have a good support group without me though. :)

    You are loved no matter how many times you fall. I love you unconditionally and I believe there are many others who feel the same. Like Telstaar said our Heavenly Father is with you every step of the way and will pick you up no matter how hard you fall. You are never alone. One of my favorite things to do when I feel satan tugging at me and digging a knife into the wounds of my weaknesses (and I think he can do so in the form of ED) is something I learned from our good friend Amber.... I look in the mirror and say, " Shut up at least I have a body!"
    It makes me laugh and helps me to fight back.
    My mind almost always goes to another quote I love. It's from the movie Labyrinth... in the final conflict when Sarah tells the goblin king, "You have no power over me!"
    Satan has no power over us unless we give it to him. We can begin to take back control just by realizing that fact.
    The more I focus on the spiritual things the less room there is for satan.

    In my Sunday lesson a few weeks ago I taught the girls that virtue, by choice, will not associate with filth, just as evil cannot tolerate the presence of light.
    One of the suggestions given in the lesson to overcome evil in temptation is to Choose a favorite hymn or song, one with words that are uplifting and music that is reverent, one that makes you feel something akin to inspiration. Memorize it and make it your "emergency channel" When you are really feeling down sing the song to yourself to regain the control over your mind.

    I hope this is helpful and not too preachy.
    I love you so much and I want to give you any knowledge I have to help you in your recovery.

    If you ever need anything please call me.
    I love you!
    -Mandy

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  5. Jenn!
    I am very proud of how far you've come! Do you not see how much progress you've made just in this year alone? You are a great example to me and I'm so glad that you post stuff like this. It definitely gives me hope!

    I love you!
    Please, if you ever need anything, please, PLEASE call me or text me!

    Love you lots!
    ~Kayla

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