Friday, September 11, 2009

I don't know what happened

It's scary how the e.d. can creep up behind you and push you into a hole without you even being aware of it. And the next thing you know, you are struggling desperately trying to climb out before you fall or get buried any further. And the worst is those times when you are in the hole and you don't have the strength you need to pull yourself out. You want to ask for help but you are so fearful that you will upset people or let them down, that you try to climb out on your own - but the walls are too unstable...

I don't know what happened. I have been doing well (for the most part) these past few weeks. Of course I have had my ups and downs but I think I have been handling everything as well as could be expected- and even over the weekend when I went on a road trip with some friends (which was so incredibly fun!), I think I did pretty good (especially in the eating department. I didn't get close to my required calories on my meal plan but I think I did really well considering the huge struggle that is for me right now). So, how did I get to the place I have been these past few days? It's like it came out of nowhere and is attacking me with frightening force! I am confused and worried about where I am mentally and emotionally and I don't want these feelings and this "zone" I am in right now to ruin all of the hard work that I have been doing, especially these past few months. It's just scary because this isn't something I can just "snap" out of - and I don't know what to do or how to regain the control back, because these past few days, I haven't been the one in control...


  1. I think I have a fake eating disorder.

  2. *huggles for long time*

    Jenn, I know you're really frightened right now and I know you're aware of what could happen if this takes a hold of you. It's okay to be frightened, good in fact because you're not gonna give up without fighting for your life. But don't let it paralyse you. I know its obvious, but make sure you reach out to your team and your parents and your friends. Even if they all need to watch you like a hawk for the next week or so just till you don't feel so shaky, that's okay!!!

    Recovery is far from smooth (unfortunately) but it doesn't mean you have to go back to where you were. Just work on getting steady then you can work on moving forwards again.

    I have faith in you. Tie a knot in the rope that you're climbing up and just rest. Then when you move a little higher, tie another knot so if you slip down a little bit, you only slip as far as the knot.

    You can do it, ONE BREATHE, ONE MEAL AT A TIME!!!

    Thinking of and praying for you!!!


  3. thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement telstaar. it really does mean alot - especially in the low points of recovery. i hope you are doing well with everything in your own life. :)

  4. I don't have any wise words right now. Just wanted to say that I believe in you, even though I am an internet stranger.I know this fight is tough, but from reading your words, i know you have a strong heart.

  5. Thanks, it really means alot to me...really!