I feel like I am being punished for being more open and honest with my treatment team. I was able to open up completely with them and admit to behaviors that I am still very much struggling with - without "sugar coating" it like I tend to do. But it's been pretty difficult dealing with the consequences. Which is a big reason why I have been absent from my blog...
I feel like my emotional state is already so fragile right now - and now the pressure I feel that my team is putting on me is pushing me over the edge. At first, I very much regretted being completely honest about the behaviors I am still struggling with & allowing them to see my "true" weight (meaning I didn't manipulate it at all before getting weighed) because I felt like I was being punished, but now I am realizing that they are not trying to be mean or hurtful towards me. They are trying to help me and they are very worried about me. I think even more worried about me that I am (which isn't good. I should be worried too). My therapist thinks the reason why I am not realizing the "seriousness of the situation" is because I have been disassociating from my feelings a lot lately and just trying to numb everything out. I have just been feeling very overwhelmed and...I don't know...maybe I need a break to just...breathe...But the problem with that is, that when you disassociated from things - you let ed creep back in and take control over your life and your mind again.
My treatment team is threatening inpatient or hospitalization if I am not able to get back on track in the next two weeks. I mean, even before I started IOP, they were telling me that they wanted to me go inpatient but since I could only afford IOP then we would have to do our best and work hard with that. And then these past few weeks they have been mentioning inpatient a lot more lately and telling me how much they wish I could be admitted. Then this past Monday, my therapist threatened with having me admitted and he was pretty harsh with me in our session - really harsh and it made me feel horrible. He said that he was trying to scare the e.d. out of me - but I think it backfired because it just made ME feel horrible, not my e.d. And then on Thursday when I saw my dietitian she said that in their treatment team meeting - he had mentioned the two week deadline to everyone.
And they also talked about how they don't think that I am medically stable enough to NOT be in inpatient & that my weight has dropped to a very dangerous low and that they are very concerned about my health. She said that he said, "I don't know how she's going to pay for it but that is where she needs to be." And I guess that really frustrates me because I feel like just because I have had a rough few weeks does not mean that I need to be thrown into the hospital!!! I feel like they are getting a little carried away here.