Saturday, September 26, 2009

just trying to keep my head above the water

I feel like I am being punished for being more open and honest with my treatment team. I was able to open up completely with them and admit to behaviors that I am still very much struggling with - without "sugar coating" it like I tend to do. But it's been pretty difficult dealing with the consequences. Which is a big reason why I have been absent from my blog...

I feel like my emotional state is already so fragile right now - and now the pressure I feel that my team is putting on me is pushing me over the edge. At first, I very much regretted being completely honest about the behaviors I am still struggling with & allowing them to see my "true" weight (meaning I didn't manipulate it at all before getting weighed) because I felt like I was being punished, but now I am realizing that they are not trying to be mean or hurtful towards me. They are trying to help me and they are very worried about me. I think even more worried about me that I am (which isn't good. I should be worried too). My therapist thinks the reason why I am not realizing the "seriousness of the situation" is because I have been disassociating from my feelings a lot lately and just trying to numb everything out. I have just been feeling very overwhelmed and...I don't know...maybe I need a break to just...breathe...But the problem with that is, that when you disassociated from things - you let ed creep back in and take control over your life and your mind again.

My treatment team is threatening inpatient or hospitalization if I am not able to get back on track in the next two weeks. I mean, even before I started IOP, they were telling me that they wanted to me go inpatient but since I could only afford IOP then we would have to do our best and work hard with that. And then these past few weeks they have been mentioning inpatient a lot more lately and telling me how much they wish I could be admitted. Then this past Monday, my therapist threatened with having me admitted and he was pretty harsh with me in our session - really harsh and it made me feel horrible. He said that he was trying to scare the e.d. out of me - but I think it backfired because it just made ME feel horrible, not my e.d. And then on Thursday when I saw my dietitian she said that in their treatment team meeting - he had mentioned the two week deadline to everyone. 

And they also talked about how they don't think that I am medically stable enough to NOT be in inpatient & that my weight has dropped to a very dangerous low and that they are very concerned about my health. She said that he said, "I don't know how she's going to pay for it but that is where she needs to be." And I guess that really frustrates me because I feel like just because I have had a rough few weeks does not mean that I need to be thrown into the hospital!!! I feel like they are getting a little carried away here. 


  1. *gentle hugs* I have thoughts and things to share but I'm gonna email you I think. I was literally about to come and post on an old entry to find out how you were coming and your post was the first on my blog role. You're important hunni, very important. *hugs* xo

  2. I have been thinking of you so much and am glad to see you have posted again. I totally understand your frustration at being completely honest with your Team and them responding back in a manner you were not expecting. I really believe they are trying to act in the way they believe to be in YOUR BEST INTEREST to save your life.

    Previously I posted to you that I had the same problem as you but in reverse (eating too much of, and the wrong kinds of, food). I know what it is too be so completely consumed with this demon of control over me that I don't really understand my own thinking, and I really don't ever have any control over my actions. I believe your team sees things that are very dangerous to your health as critical, where you may be seeing them as just another "cycle", as I know that is how I perceive my problem. Perhaps your team is scared that your body is unable to "cycle" in this way any longer, and maybe they are truly scared that you may not make it through this time? Our minds always believe we are able to be here tomorrow, even when we are being told otherwise by our logical side. Does this make any sense? Anyway what I am really trying to say is to try to trust your teams expert knowledge of the disease and treatment, and please go with it as the money end will somehow work out.

    I am promising you that I will be praying for you at least once every day from this time forward. I wish you peace!

  3. So sorry that things are such a battle right now. I remember a similar incident when I was inpatient when I felt I was being punished for being honest and it is extremely frustrating. Just try to remember that they (your treatment team) are able to see things from a more complete, non-distorted perspective and try to trust in that as well as the fact that they truly care about you and want you to be well and happy even when you don't.

  4. I asked this question on another person's blog, but wanted to ask you the same...
    Do you think that people focusing on your weight so much is a deterrent? What I mean is, by making it such a focus, it's actually having a negative impact. What do you think? If people weren't always reminding you of your weight, how would you feel?

  5. Thanks everyone for the comments - it's nice to be able to lean on other people's words when you need that shoulder ;)

  6. So I know I texted you with a brief reason why I asked or my "theory" or whatever, but I thought I'd also reply here and share w/ other people and maybe explain further.

    OK, here's my concern with treatment professionals focusing SO much on weight: I think it makes it even harder for the person to GAIN weight, maybe because they are just always SO conscious of weight. And then the problem is complicated when you do gain and are in a healthier space and the talk dies down about weight. I think that causes pressure to lose weight again, so you start getting attention for your weight again. So, it just doesn't seem productive.

    But I really don't know an alternative! We're screwy about this stuff!

  7. Also, anxiety about weight gain (threats, always telling the person they have to gain or else, etc.) does NOT help the person gain weight. Anxiety doesn't exactly help the appetite (well esp. in anorexic cases!)