Sunday, October 4, 2009

trying to find my strength

I will not give up! I can't give up!! I deserve more!!! I don't want to be held captive by my mind anymore - it's no way to live (if you can even call it living. I don't - I call it merely surviving). But how do I do this?? I have been working SO hard and fighting for recovery and fighting to change my irrational & distorted mind...but I seem to be failing at it. 

Sometimes, especially lately, I feel like maybe this is the best my life will be and I just need to learn to accept that... But I don't want to accept that! I don't!! I have dreams and I want to be able to achieve them! I have hopes and plans for my future and I can't have my e.d. and all of these things - believe me, I have tried!
I know that I just need to keep on going, especially during the horrible, painful, & scary times. I can't give in to this illness - because this illness wont stop until it has taken my life and put me in the ground. Anorexia is a slow suicide. I can deny that fact all I want, or refuse to let myself believe it - but it doesn't change the fact that if I continue the way that I am will kill me. I am not going to let it! I'm not!! So, I just need to continue trusting (such a scary word for me) my treatment team, my family, & my friends to help guide me and support me through this until I am able to stand on my own. Sometimes, I might need their help more than other times, and sometimes I might need them to carry me - but that's okay because they love me and want me to get better. I can do this. I can be strong!! I can find that strength inside of me to beat this!


  1. Don't forget these words. They are truth and they have the power to strengthen you and weaken ED. You don't have to accept life with ED. There is so much more!

  2. i love you and will fb message you soon i promise!