I am struggling a lot with my ed thoughts and behaviors. I am having a tough time trying to allow myself to see and live in the reality of the situation before I quickly retreat into my world of denial and disassociation and also try to find the motivation for my recovery, and my dreams that still seem lost somewhere out there. But I am working on trying to find these things again. It's one of my main focuses right now.
I had a horrible argument with my doctor yesterday. She told me that for the past little while (more often than not) my weight and labs/blood work have been too unstable for her to feel comfortable treating me. And that I either need to go inpatient or make very drastic improvements in a very short amount of time or she will have to stop seeing me. And I think yesterdays appointment was kind of a breaking point for her after she saw my weight and test results. So... she basically fired me.
I don't want to get into all the feeling and emotions that this appointment has caused me because I am trying to not let it affect my recovery too much - but let's just say I am feeling a lot of guilt, shame, sadness, fear, hopelessness, & abandonment.