Saturday, November 7, 2009

a brief update

I am struggling a lot with my ed thoughts and behaviors. I am having a tough time trying to allow myself to see and live in the reality of the situation before I quickly retreat into my world of denial and disassociation and also try to find the motivation for my recovery, and my dreams that still seem lost somewhere out there. But I am working on trying to find these things again. It's one of my main focuses right now.

I had a horrible argument with my doctor yesterday. She told me that for the past little while (more often than not) my weight and labs/blood work have been too unstable for her to feel comfortable treating me. And that I either need to go inpatient or make very drastic improvements in a very short amount of time or she will have to stop seeing me. And I think yesterdays appointment was kind of a breaking point for her after she saw my weight and test results. So... she basically fired me.

I don't want to get into all the feeling and emotions that this appointment has caused me because I am trying to not let it affect my recovery too much - but let's just say I am feeling a lot of guilt, shame, sadness, fear, hopelessness, & abandonment.

1 comment:

  1. I can see how that would be immensely difficult for you. I'm so glad you're still fighting for recovery despite the hopelessness and frustration. Hope you can find some effective support, you're in a scary position right now.