Monday, November 2, 2009

can I do it on my own???

I am starting to wonder if maybe I am relying on treatment too much and not enough on my own ability. It is true, I don't trust myself and therefore, I do feel safer when I am in treatment knowing that there are people who are supervising me, monitoring me, counseling me and helping me process thoughts and feelings, ect. But am I depending on them too much??? When is it time to start decreasing the amount of time in treatment and to start focusing on other things in life? Am I still lost in this disease because I am still in treatment and it's such a focus in my life? Or is this my ed trying to trick me into lowering my level of care so I become more vulnerable for it to regain complete control over my life again??  

I need to start focusing on other things and put all this all behind me. But what if I do start to have more of the responsibility of my recovery and I crash & burn - what if I leave and am not ready to leave? Will ed completely take over and will I lose any ability I have to fight this and to recover? I don't know! I wish I could see in the future and know what I was capable of. My therapist always tells me that I need to be more patient with my recovery. He always says to me "Jenn, how long have you had your ed?" And I say "Since I was 13." And he says "So, it's going to take a lot longer than a couple years to get over something that is so ingrained in you and has been a huge part of you for so long!" And I understand this - I don't like it - but I understand it. But at the same time, am I using treatment as a crutch? Am I depending on my treatment team and the other girls more than I should be?  Or am I just panicking because of what happened a few weeks ago?


  1. oh Jennabee,
    I just got updated on your horrible ordeal and I am so sorry it happened to you, but maybe you really needed a good wake up call. I know you are feeling like you are trying but are you trying your best? Can you honestly say you are giving it your all, doing everything in your power to heal your body? YOU NEED TO!

    I don't want to lose you and I know I am not the only one who feels that way. SO FIGHT!

    I don't know what the answer is with keeping your treatment team or not. Maybe it would be better though to go a less drastic route and start putting more on you shoulders and relying on others less, but still keep the treatment team as backup, as a way to keep you honest with yourself.

    You know what you need to do. you know what will help you. you know that you want to live your life free of this terrible vise. So do it Jenn, use that desire for a better life to fuel your resolve to do better, to overcome and fight that ED with a vengeance!

    I love you and I will always be in your corner. Please call on me if you need anything.

  2. Jenn,
    You are more capable than you realize. I think you need to keep focusing on treatment and recovery. You need to trust yourself, but you also need to trust your treatment team. I wouldn't say to trust them more than yourself, but you need to listen to them and trust them because they only want what is best for you.
    I think the best time for you to start decreasing the amount of treatment is when they say it's OK. They see the real you, I believe in you, I really do, but I also believe that you still need help, if not more than what you're getting now. I really think it's e.d. that's telling you that you don't need the amount of treatment you are receiving. (does that make sense?) You know what you are capable of, but I think you are afraid because once you have that knowledge, you also get the responsibility that comes with it and that's scary and overwhelming. I also think that you are right about panicking about what happened last week. Do you realize that you almost died. I would think that that would help you to see that you need more help than what you are getting now. I love you and I don't mean to sound so...snotty, but I love you and I want to see you happy. I also agree with your therapist...It's going to take longer than a few days to get over, obviously. Maybe even more than a couple of years, but it's also going to take a lot of patience. I know, easier said than done. Sorry, this is a novel. I love you Jenn! Be happy! <3

  3. Have lots of thoughts and things to say. Not very well today so I will write them out at a later date but... DON'T YOU DARE STOP TREATMENT RIGHT NOW!!! Got it??? Am I clear enough??

    I DO understand what you're saying and I think there is SOME validity to it, but i think that you still need to deal with the ed right now.

    Write more soon. Love ya.


  4. Jennabee,
    Where are you living now? Josh and I have an appointment with the Endocronologist on Monday and I would love to see you even if it's just for a few minutes. If you won't be available because of not feeling well yet we will be making more trips up there for appointments until we are successful with getting pregnant so we can try again in the near future.
    We will be traveling up there on Sunday and staying in Kaysville. Our appointment is at the U of U on Monday morning and we will be coming back home on Monday so it's a small window but let me know what you think.

  5. Monday would work. Call me when you are up here and we can make arragements cause I will be home all day. I live in Taylorsville and my number is 801-520-9748.

    I am sooo excited to see you!!! We haven't seen each other since you and Mary came and took me out on a day pass from inpatient and that was in 2007!