Tuesday, December 29, 2009

powerfully honest, real, and accurate

I started reading a memoir last night called Kid Rex, and I think it is very very well written and honest. And when I read this part last night, I felt like I was reading something from my own personal journals, which was kinda crazy. So I wanted to post it on here because I love the way she has written thoughts, feelings, and fears that I somehow have a hard time expressing. Also, because I know there are many others out there who feel this way too.

"What am I supposed to tell people when they ask me what I do for a living? Am I really supposed to say, "Well, actually, I am in the process of recovering from anorexia"? If I go that far I might as well delve fully into the discussion. Why not give people a more complete view of what my life has been like these past few years, trying to recover from an illness I've had for so long? I may as well tell them every day is like an eternity, full of fear and trepidation about being left alone in a cold, shadowy world where winter is always approaching, without my greatest source of solace: my anorexia. I may as well tell them I have seen over twenty psychiatrists, therapists, doctors, and nutritionists in the past few years, and have often been feeling more stranded, frustrated, and secluded. I may as well say that some mornings I wake up and think that without my anorexia I am at risk of vanishing into a sea of faceless, anonymous people, as though I never even existed.

How are you supposed to describe what you do for a living when what you actually do is struggle to live? Many years of my life have consisted of attending doctor's and therapy appointments in a maddening attempt to unscramble my mind and ease the disquiet in my soul. Any "accomplished" individual would think I'm crazy, pathetic, or simply disposable...

... I have not yet found a way to make peace with all my troubling memories. I must relive them, over and over, until I can build some sort of life for myself again. So perhaps the next time someone asks me what I do, I should just boldly declare, "I am waging the war of my life!" After all, shouldn't that be considered an accomplishment on par with beating cancer or surviving a plane crash? Then maybe I could also tell them, if they cared to delve a little deeper, that no one truly chooses to live in a ghost world. This was a burden that was placed upon me."

(excerpt from the memoir Kid Rex)

2 comments:

  1. First- I forgot to tell you how much I LOVE the new layout!

    Second- I am glad you are enjoying the book. It was certainly one of the better books I have read in terms of ED memoirs. You will have to let me know how you like it, once you finish the whole thing...

    Love ya!

    Keep hanging in there.. And keep holding on in terms of your Sunday meeting... Keep strong. I think this good be a GREAT move in terms of being able to get help with treatment stability. Let me know if I can support you in any way!

    You're BEAUTIFUL!

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  2. Great post. This really does put so eloquently into words what is probably very difficult to explain. Since some of us may not fully understand what you're going through this gives at least a little idea. I wish you the best through 2010. I know we can make it a good year. :) HUGS!!!

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