Saturday, January 2, 2010

A Beautiful Grandmother

This is another excerpt from the memoir Kid Rex. This grandmother touched me to deeply and she truly is an amazing woman to have been able to experience this moment with her granddaughter.

"On my birthday, with all of us gathered around the dining room table, I recieved a beautiful dress from my mom. The only problem with it was the size. The realization that my mom thought I was still a size "x" sent me into such a panic that I broke into uncontrollable sobbing at my birthday table. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I experienced the same sensation I had on the phone with my parents that night at Renfrew. With everything around me deteriorating, the only thing I'd had left was my nonexistent size. Now, with that one dress, that was being taken away as well.

Seeing me in such a state, my family began to nervously walk out of the room after giving me a quick hug or pat on the back. My mom, dad, Fran, and Josh remained standing to one side, clueless as to what they should say or do. They simply stood there, watching helplessly. But when I lifted my head, I saw through a misty veil of tears my grandmother, facing me across the table, crying the same way I'd been crying, as though the sadness of the world now rested on our two shoulders and there was nothing left to do but mourn where we were and what we had become.

I saw my grandmother, and I immediately froze. I couldn't believe, simply didn't understand, how somebody could be right there with me, in that same dark space. I saw my grandmother's face and knew she was now feeling everything I'd felt. At that moment she was experiencing my anorexia, loneliness, and pain, and for a second I realized I wasn't truly alone. Somebody had shone a light into the tiny place where I was living, and I was momentarily brought back by this woman who loved me so completely. Without thought she threw herself into the depths of my despair. It was perhaps, one of the most lucid times of my life, but again, as with Gilbert's lesson, I needed much more time to fully comprehend it.

On my twenty-first birthday, when most people get drunk with their friends, I experienced a quiet moment. I was struck by my grandmother's face and by the love I'd always known existed but had never realized the true depths of. Even now when I feel isolated and unprotected I conjure up her image in my mind. Her beautiful, sad face, full of love and despair, that without hesitation says, "I am with you not out of obligation but because of that great, unknowable force called love." The fact that a woman as strong and unique as my grandmother could be so loyal and completely accepting of me engraved itself in my spirit, strenthening me in the depths of desperation and through my recovery."

1 comment:

  1. This is a beautiful excerpt!

    I am sorry ED overshadowed your new years. I have had so many occasions that have been ruined by this disease. I think that you are strong, though. You have not been beaten yet!