Saturday, January 23, 2010

overwhelmed

Last night, one of my roommates cooked some dinner for her and a friend. A few hours later, when I went upstairs, she asked me if I wanted some of the leftovers because there were plenty. I usually say "no thanks" when any of my roommates ask if I want to eat with them or if I want any leftovers - and I just stick to my "safe foods" and take it down to my room to eat (I am trying to work on eating more often in the kitchen at the table but I still struggle with eating in front of people) - and it's not because I don't like them or don't want to eat with them because I do, and I wish I could!! I wish I didn't feel the way I do towards food! So, I was hesitant and was about to blurt out my usual "no thanks" but then that little recovery voice came into my head and reminded me that this would be a positive step towards my healing. So I said "sure, thanks!" and she came into the kitchen with me and showed me where the food was in the fridge.

I got it all out on the counter. The flour tortillas, the lettuce, the grated cheese, and the hamburger. I proceeded to put lots and lots of lettuce on a tortilla and I sprinkled it with a little cheese. I know I should have put more cheese on it and put some hamburger on it - even if it was just a little bit of the hamburger (since red meat is still a huge fear food for me! So is cheese, but I am slowly getting better with cheese) I know I also should have had something else to eat with it but I couldn't. I just couldn't get myself to do it! The fears have been so strong as I feel my body gaining weight and also all these intense problems I am having with my stomach and digestive system (which is so complicated and frustrating - and is a result of my chronic starvation/restriction and the years of heavy laxative/diuretic abuse...) please, please, please everyone out there - don't get caught up with laxatives because they will completely destroy your body!!! Please trust me! It has cause permanent damage to my body!
  
I notice that whenever I try to eat more more, I become a lot more obsessive and ritualistic when it comes to food and exercise. This always seems to happen (and is one of the big factors in my failing attempts at recovery). When I am just eating little bits here and there - its not as bad, but that's because the guilt isn't as strong about the food that I am eating - cause I am pretty much not eating, so why would there be guilt, right? It's like I feel like I need to balance it out...but balance what out??? The insufficient amount of calories that I am still eating -even though I am eating more than I usually do?  And I understand that my perception on how much I am actually eating is very distorted - but I can't help it! That's one thing that anorexia will do to you - it will distort the reality of things and it's like you are seeing things through the eyes and mind of the illness. I just can't let go of the control!! It's true, that whenever I am in various treatment programs or inpatient and I am being watched and monitored closely - those obsessions do tend to lessen the grip they have on me a bit, but when I am just doing outpatient - I seem to struggle sooooooo much!! And it's frustrating because I feel like I should be further into my recovery than I am, and that I should be doing better than I am, and it's just so discouraging. I don't want to be tied to this illness! I want to break the chains and just live a normal, healthy, & happy life.  

We talked about this in my therapy session this week and like always he stressed the importance of me making sure that I am seeing my doctor regularly (as in weekly) so she can monitor my labs, blood pressure, weight, re-feeding & attempts at weight gain, ect. And I also understand that I should be seeing my dietitian (whom I haven't seen since last October) but he hasn't been pushing the issue with that too much lately because I am in good hands with my doctor who is an ed specialist (so she knows what to look for, what tricks I might pull, ect.) and he also understands that my finances are extremely tight right now. So he is trying to be patient and understands that I am doing what I can with what I've got (financially).

Anyways, I have just been really overwhelmed and discouraged lately and I just needed to vent, so thanks for listening.

8 comments:

  1. Oh hunni,

    I soooo understand all you've written here, I relaly really do. Its so very tricky and hard when your brain is going in a million directions and pulling Jenn apart at the seams. But hunni, you have survived so long, you CAN do this hunni... Ooooh I wish I could be there to ride this out with you (for your sake AND for mine) right now.

    Try to remember that you DID make a positive decision to have the left overs even if it was a massive struggle and you weren't able to eat all you should've, you still initially said yes and that IS a win, even if its a smaller one.

    Keep doing the work hunni, you are one of the most tenacious people I know and I feel for you soo soo much.

    Love you very very much,

    Telly xo

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  2. I totally understand the laxative thing. I was a big time laxative junkie for years and almost died from it. I have been off the stimulant laxatives for nine years but still have to take Miralax every day because my bowels STILL will not move on their own!

    So maybe you didn't put any meat in the tortilla. But you put cheese in there! And maybe next time you will add meat. I bet there was a time when you didn't even put cheese in. You are making progress. Maybe it's not as fast as you would in the controlled environment of IP. But it seems to me that the changes you make on your own stick better. At least that has been my experience.
    :)

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  3. I am proud of you for making these positive steps. However... OK, I'll be the unpopular one, and the voice you don't want to hear...

    Do you have the precious time to go at this pace? Your health is an issue. Your next illness but not be as forgiving. Jenn, you almost DIED.

    I don't care if you don't want to do IP again, or don't want to do a tube. Do ONE or BOTH before things end in disaster for you! I just don't see this going well, even though I see your positive step! I'm not trying to discount that, and I'm not calling you weak. I think you're very strong. I just think that right now, the disease is also very strong, and it wants you, Jenn. It wants you to turn yourself over and you're easily seduced by it still. I know you got some financial help... that's good. Please try to look into whether you can get more and get more intensive treatment. You don't have a job yet, so the time is perfect.

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  4. PLEASE listen to your therapist and follow through with your doctor. I know this is REALLY REALLY hard, but you are so worth the fight. Take care of yourself. Wishing you the best, and hoping to see you again soon.

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  5. I've been reading for just a short time and wanted to leave a little comment. I don't struggle with food but I do have an OCD disorder that completely controls my life. I feel jealous that you have doctors who can help you. I feel I have nowhere to turn and it is frustrating and depressing to think that I will struggle with this all alone for the rest of my life. Anyway, I just wanted to offer up some encouragement to you in any small way I can.

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  6. Keep going and going and going and going... Why??? Because I HEART YOU! :)

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  7. Girl you are SO worth fighting for and every win you make no matter how small is progress. I hope you are able to get the help you need because you have so much potential and light in you. We're definitely all here rooting for you. :) HUGS!!!

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  8. Thanks for all the comments and support!!! (and EVEN the brutally honest truth!) I love all of you and all of your words are a big part of what keeps me going everyday...I mean that!!

    xoxo!

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