I got it all out on the counter. The flour tortillas, the lettuce, the grated cheese, and the hamburger. I proceeded to put lots and lots of lettuce on a tortilla and I sprinkled it with a little cheese. I know I should have put more cheese on it and put some hamburger on it - even if it was just a little bit of the hamburger (since red meat is still a huge fear food for me! So is cheese, but I am slowly getting better with cheese) I know I also should have had something else to eat with it but I couldn't. I just couldn't get myself to do it! The fears have been so strong as I feel my body gaining weight and also all these intense problems I am having with my stomach and digestive system (which is so complicated and frustrating - and is a result of my chronic starvation/restriction and the years of heavy laxative/diuretic abuse...) please, please, please everyone out there - don't get caught up with laxatives because they will completely destroy your body!!! Please trust me! It has cause permanent damage to my body!
I notice that whenever I try to eat more more, I become a lot more obsessive and ritualistic when it comes to food and exercise. This always seems to happen (and is one of the big factors in my failing attempts at recovery). When I am just eating little bits here and there - its not as bad, but that's because the guilt isn't as strong about the food that I am eating - cause I am pretty much not eating, so why would there be guilt, right? It's like I feel like I need to balance it out...but balance what out??? The insufficient amount of calories that I am still eating -even though I am eating more than I usually do? And I understand that my perception on how much I am actually eating is very distorted - but I can't help it! That's one thing that anorexia will do to you - it will distort the reality of things and it's like you are seeing things through the eyes and mind of the illness. I just can't let go of the control!! It's true, that whenever I am in various treatment programs or inpatient and I am being watched and monitored closely - those obsessions do tend to lessen the grip they have on me a bit, but when I am just doing outpatient - I seem to struggle sooooooo much!! And it's frustrating because I feel like I should be further into my recovery than I am, and that I should be doing better than I am, and it's just so discouraging. I don't want to be tied to this illness! I want to break the chains and just live a normal, healthy, & happy life.
We talked about this in my therapy session this week and like always he stressed the importance of me making sure that I am seeing my doctor regularly (as in weekly) so she can monitor my labs, blood pressure, weight, re-feeding & attempts at weight gain, ect. And I also understand that I should be seeing my dietitian (whom I haven't seen since last October) but he hasn't been pushing the issue with that too much lately because I am in good hands with my doctor who is an ed specialist (so she knows what to look for, what tricks I might pull, ect.) and he also understands that my finances are extremely tight right now. So he is trying to be patient and understands that I am doing what I can with what I've got (financially).
Anyways, I have just been really overwhelmed and discouraged lately and I just needed to vent, so thanks for listening.