Wednesday, February 17, 2010

can I leave the door open a crack?

I am feeling a lot of emotions. Today I filled out application forms for a local college... am I really doing this? Am I really letting go and giving up that dream of finishing up at the Fashion Institute and having a career in fashion? Am I really closing this door? 

Can I at least leave the door unlocked or keep it open a crack??

What if I am making the wrong decision? I don't know what to do! Do I follow my heart and do what I love or do I follow the realistic and safe path and try to find something else I love to do as a career?

I know finishing school at SLFI will be a huge trigger to my recovery - especially since I am still struggling as much as I am - but what if I am strong enough? What if??? Or what if I just need to accept that this is not the right environment for me and move on? I am so confused and feeling very sad (to be quite honest). I just don't want to make the wrong decision. I have made too many in the past and I am not getting any younger, I need to move forward with my life... I just don't know which road to take.


  1. There is always a crack, you can always change are never as trapped as you might think. I have recently discovered this, having abandoned a phd scholarship to do an art foundation course at a local college. Do what you feel is right at the moment, and what is most conducive to recovery.

    Health is always most important, and whatever decision you make, you will learn something from it, even if the lesson is that this decision wasn't quite right for you.

    Sarah x

  2. One moment at a time. You can always choose differently in the future but for this day, this hour, this minute, it sounds like college is healthier for you. Without health there's nothing else. FI can wait :) Your life is more important.

  3. Maybe my opinion is different that say, someone at CFC, but I DO think you can leave the door open, maybe even more than a crack, as long as you're not running through it just yet. Maybe fashion isn't the best thing RIGHT THIS MOMENT, but I think as you get farther down the road you may be better in tune with yourself and what's going to be best for you, and THEN you can decide. I fully support going back to school for maybe a "back up" and figuring out other things you may enjoy. Maybe you'll find something you love just as much along the way. But I don't think you have to close one door COMPLETELY before opening another. Opening a new door and pursuing new things just makes you a better rounded person.

  4. Certainly you can leave the door open! Just because now is not a good time for you to be involved in the fashion industry doesn't mean it will never be a good time. Maybe years down the road you will dazzle us with STYLISH designs for REGULAR sized people ;)

  5. I agree that you can always go back to it. Just because now is not the best time, doesn't mean there will never be a better time. You may find that you will do something at college for a while and then work for a bit and then whenver you really want to, you can go back. The door might be closed right now, but you will always have the key!

  6. Hey hunni,

    I'm sorry that its taken time for me to read and respond to this post. I'm sorry that you're feeling so confuzzled about it all right now.

    I just wanted to point out that simply because you might choose an alternate path right now that doesn't include the SLFI doesn't mean that your career in fashion is over and done with. Rather it means that you're putting it aside to be reassessed and revisited at a later date (when you might be ready to give it up for good OR ready to try again in that industry using other doorways).

    Our God is a big God hunni, he's got you in his hands and he's not letting you go. You do need to follow your heart a bit, but that also means listening to what is going to keep you alive and bring you to the health and wellbeing that he has set out for you. If you're meant to be in fashion in the future (and I'd still love to do the things I've told you re wearing yr clothes and stuff), then he'll open the doors again when the time is right.

    Hang in there. Thinking and praying for you,

    Love you xoxox

  7. you are only as trapped as you convince yourself you will be. if you pre-destine yourself to be one way, think one thing or do one thing then inevitably it will happen.

    a career in fashion SOUNDS AWESOME! and i know and have faith you are strong willed enough to do what tyou want and need to do!

  8. These comments are SO VERY much appreciated! I DO trust my treatment team's thoughts on things (most of the time! lol.) but it's soooo good to hear the thoughts about this from my friends - because I value your opinions!

    I still need time to think about this but I DO have to say that I AM feeling a lot better about this whole situation after reading through these comments.

    What would I do without y'all!?!?

  9. It is never too early or too late to follow your dream. Reality is always there waiting for you. (sometimes with a slap upside your head) There is no law that says you can't take up your fashion design goals later on in life. And there is nothing that says you have to stop now.
    None of us have any guarentee that that any road we take is "the" right one. We make it the right one by our decisions, commitments and choices. And when we no longer choose that road, we can take another one.
    Jump into whatever road you choose with both feet and full enthusiasm. If it doesn't work, choose another road.
    Don't be afraid to fail. Failure isn't who you are, it's just something that happens along the road to success!