This past Sunday, while I was sitting in church listening to the music and the talks that were being given, (I know, I know - me at church?? I am trying to make that a regular thing in my life.) I felt this overwhelming feeling of peace come over me. At first, it took me by surprise because it's been a long time (too long really) since I have felt this kind of peace. But I quickly recognized what it was and felt so grateful that it had found me - because I know I am not an easy person to find when it comes to spiritual things. I felt this warmness spread through my body (which I gratefully welcomed) and I just felt a sense of peace and the feeling of "everything is going to be okay." I got teary eyed and I just wanted to savour that moment, I didn't want it to end! And even though, just moments later, it did start to drift away and was gone again - I felt it and that means that I can feel it again...right? I truly feel like it was an answer to my prayers and something that I desperately needed to feel in my life right now.
I have truly been feeling lost and overwhelmed as I am trying to find my way through this illness and into that place of recovery and also trying to find my place in this world, what I am meant to do in (and with) my life. Which hasn't been an easy thing considering my illness has been my life for so long, the main thing in my life, the thing everything in my life would revolve around. And I have also been fighting those doubts about my career choice. Is is really a good idea for me to finish up at the SL Fashion Institute (and finally graduate from there.) and pursue my life in the fashion industry? Am I strong enough of a person and can I be strong enough in my recovery to not let it affect me any more than it already has?
I love fashion! I love every part of it with all of my heart and soul!! It's a huge part of me - it's my passion and my love...but sometimes, we need to give up things that we love and let them go because they might not be good for us. These are the feelings and fears that I have been trying to push away ever since I began my recovery three years ago. Because when I started down this career path - I was already so deep into my illness that I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way I was living (and unfortunately, my schooling and the fashion industry just fed into my anorexia and those two became entangled together feeding off of each other). And so, during my recovery, I have kept trying to convince myself (and my treatment team) that I can do it and that I am strong enough - despite all of them having major concerns about it and trying to get me to think of other paths to pursue - but I am trying to be honest with myself and though I try to act like it doesn't affect me and that I am strong enough... am I...really? Or is there really something else out there that I am meant to do? I have been struggling a lot with this thought that... if I am not working in the fashion industry...Who am I? Who am I meant to be?
A desperate prayer was answered a couple of days ago and I feel so grateful to God that He brought me that comfort and peace that I long for. I just hope that the next time I am able to find it again amidst all of this craziness, I hope that I will be able to hold onto it for a little bit longer. And I hope it comes back really soon - because I need it in my life!