Tuesday, February 2, 2010

for a moment...i felt peace

This past Sunday, while I was sitting in church listening to the music and the talks that were being given, (I know, I know - me at church?? I am trying to make that a regular thing in my life.) I felt this overwhelming feeling of peace come over me. At first, it took me by surprise because it's been a long time (too long really) since I have felt this kind of peace. But I quickly recognized what it was and felt so grateful that it had found me - because I know I am not an easy person to find when it comes to spiritual things. I felt this warmness spread through my body (which I gratefully welcomed) and I just felt a sense of peace and the feeling of "everything is going to be okay." I got teary eyed and I just wanted to savour that moment, I didn't want it to end! And even though, just moments later, it did start to drift away and was gone again - I felt it and that means that I can feel it again...right? I truly feel like it was an answer to my prayers and something that I desperately needed to feel in my life right now.

I have truly been feeling lost and overwhelmed as I am trying to find my way through this illness and into that place of recovery and also trying to find my place in this world, what I am meant to do in (and with) my life. Which hasn't been an easy thing considering my illness has been my life for so long, the main thing in my life, the thing everything in my life would revolve around. And I have also been fighting those doubts about my career choice. Is is really a good idea for me to finish up at the SL Fashion Institute (and finally graduate from there.) and pursue my life in the fashion industry? Am I strong enough of a person and can I be strong enough in my recovery to not let it affect me any more than it already has? 

I love fashion! I love every part of it with all of my heart and soul!! It's a huge part of me - it's my passion and my love...but sometimes, we need to give up things that we love and let them go because they might not be good for us. These are the feelings and fears that I have been trying to push away ever since I began my recovery three years ago. Because when I started down this career path - I was already so deep into my illness that I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way I was living (and unfortunately, my schooling and the fashion industry just fed into my anorexia and those two became entangled together feeding off of each other). And so, during my recovery, I have kept trying to convince myself (and my treatment team) that I can do it and that I am strong enough - despite all of them having major concerns about it and trying to get me to think of other paths to pursue - but I am trying to be honest with myself and though I try to act like it doesn't affect me and that I am strong enough... am I...really? Or is there really something else out there that I am meant to do? I have been struggling a lot with this thought that... if I am not working in the fashion industry...Who am I? Who am I meant to be? 

A desperate prayer was answered a couple of days ago and I feel so grateful to God that He brought me that comfort and peace that I long for. I just hope that the next time I am able to find it again amidst all of this craziness, I hope that I will be able to hold onto it for a little bit longer. And I hope it comes back really soon - because I need it in my life! 

8 comments:

  1. I can definately relate.
    My career for 7 years has been Make-Up artistry... fashion week, working at M.A.C, film and Tv
    I just feel as though right now, it is something I need to step away from for my recovery. Life is long, and I will go back to make-up for sure, it is what I know, it is all I know really in terms of working.
    But that is alo something quite exciting. Time for a change, maybe for the better.
    I feel like it means starting at the beginning if I do. I have stepped away a bunch of times though, I always go back, maybe it is finding a balance so that it works for me.
    It sounds like you had such an amazing experience in church, hope, serenity.
    I am happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Awesome post. You have an amazing gift for teaching and writing. I love it when our prayers are answered in unexpected ways. Thanks for your courage and insights.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jennabee,
    I loved this post and IT has been an answer to MY prayers too! I have been with and without the Spirit at times in my life and I know without a doubt that We all need it as a constant companion. The way to get it is to fill our lives with spiritual moments. The best thing I have found on a day to day basis is to listen to a talk or scriptures on my Ipod. You can get LDS podcasts on your Ipod for free. Let me know if you need any help finding it. I'm so glad you have had such a wonderful blessing in your life! I love ya girl. Hope to hear of more wonderful experiences soon. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've just started to read your blog and I really like it by the way. I don't know anything about fashion at all though, but I would imagine you would be very creative. Have you ever thought about other fields where you need to be creative but in a different way? What I mean is and this may be a really dumb suggestion, but I guess because it's something I love and there seemes to be endless possibilities with designing if you are creative, but the difference is you're not dealing with models and bodies and things that I know for me are too confronting. What I am talking about is the design industry for crafts like stamping, paper design, card making product design and scrapbooking both on the page and beyond the page. This is just something that popped into my head when I was reading your post. I love all this stuff, though I don't scrapbook any more. But there are so many places where people make gorgeous papers and stamps for companies that sell around the world or start their own businesses. Just a thought from someone who loves paper craft and uses it when she feels bad.
    Sarah :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey my beautiful one,

    I will email tonight or tomorrow from work... I am so tired right now.

    Hunni, I'm glad you were able to draw near to God. He never lets you go, never lets you out of his sight, NEVER.

    I just wanted to refer you to this blog... not in a negative way, but hopefully in finding comfort in someone not in a dissimilar situation to yourself and also working out her relationship with Jesus.
    http://wewantedtheirwings.wordpress.com/

    Love you beautiful so so much...

    xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  6. Awe. Jenn. This is such a beautiful post. It really is. I am so happy that you were able to feel the love of the Lord, and the peace that I know He wants you to have in your overall life....

    In regards to your career choice; and I know this might not sound totally believable.... But in many ways, I totally understand your struggle. I constantly worry about whether I am strong enough to enter grad school this fall and begin the challenging work of being a good healthcare provider. It's scary and exciting and overwhellming, all in the same ball of chaos.

    Right now I am trying to find faith and believe that as long as I work hard, the Lord will protect me and help me in doing what's best for me. Iate believe the same for you. That by keeping faith, you too can find peace as you navigate your way in terms of what it is that you want to do with the rest of your life (career wise, etc.).

    Although these times are scary for you, for me... And for some many others... I truly believe that we can get through all of this as long as we hold strong to the Lord, and lean on those in our lives that are willing to support us (i.e., friends, family, etc.)

    Together we shall get through this. You shall get through this. I know you can, because I greatly and genuinely believe in you girl!

    ReplyDelete
  7. How do I not cry (grateful happy tears)after reading all these amazing comments?? I love all of you so much! And I don't know what I would do without y'all in my corner! Seriously!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can relate to your concerns about the fashion industry. It's kinda the same way I feel about dietetics. Like, not really sure whether or not I can do it and be recovered, but if I don't have my eating disorder, and I don't have the career I want, who the heck am I? It's scary, but I think we'll eventually figure it out, whether it be changing career paths, or figuring out how to make it work in a way conducive to recovery.

    It's amazing how a fleeting moment of peace can be enough to grab onto. I think it was no accident that you felt it. And yes, you can feel it again, and I have complete faith that you WILL.

    Missed you tonight. Hope to see you again soon.

    ReplyDelete