Tuesday, February 23, 2010

our secrets keep us sick

Even though I am still feeling empty & confused about so many things in my life at the moment... I think a huge step for me was to admit here on my blog that I have been struggling because as we know all too well - our secrets keep us sick! Even little secrets! Because little secrets can eventually turn into big secrets, just like this one did! Sometimes, we feel the need to keep certain secrets to protect (?) ourselves, but in reality we are actually hurting ourselves and pushing ourselves further away from recovery!

I thought that if I kept this latest struggle with eating to myself I could keep it under control and not have to worry the people around me... (will I ever learn that I can't control my ED!?!?) I know people in my life are so sick of this endless cycle that I seem to be in with my ED. They want me to "move on already!"  And I do too, I just haven't figured out how to do that quite yet... And so for me to admit to them that I am still struggling is hard. So hard. Because I feel like I am letting them down and disappointing them...again! I hate that feeling so much! It makes me feel weak and like a loser... more than I already do.

I know that people are thinking "this has gone on since she was 13 years old, why can't she let this part of her life go and move on already??" I wish I had the answer for you, but I don't. I wonder these things myself. I hope someday I will have the answer for all of you who feel this way (especially me). I need the answer. I need to know there is a better life out there for me. I need to know how to move on - I don't want this to be my life. But I am terrified that it will be my life. I am so scared that I won't be strong enough to recover. That is my biggest fear and my biggest secret. (well, I guess it's not a secret anymore...)

5 comments:

  1. You are so right, and I never got anywhere in recovery until I started being honest, not just with others, but with myself too.

    I always find if I keep my problems locked away inside they swim around and multiply, getting bigger and bigger until I feel overwhelmed. Best to get them out and dealt with asap ;)

    Sarah x

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  2. Jenn-

    Thank you for your continued honesty in the areas in which you are presently struggling right now. It takes great strength to be honest with others when it comes to an eating disorder. So... I am proud of you. Proud of you for stepping up to the plate!

    And now my dear... It is time to fight! And fight for yourself.. For your life... For your health... And for all of the lovely and beautiful things in which you wish to acomplish in this lifetime. I have faith in you!

    God bless!

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  3. "But I am terrified that it will be my life. I am so scared that I won't be strong enough to recover."

    You just stole the words right out of my brain. :) You are right in saying that our secrets are what keeps us sick. I relapse when I start pulling away from my support community, when I block people out, and isolate myself. Secrets are ed's favorite. Way to let yours out! Stay strong, you are in my prayers!

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  4. For me, knowing that I didn't want a life of chronic anorexia is one of the things that keeps me pushing forward in recovery. I know that it's so hard to break that cycle and it's so frustrating that people just assume that you should be able to stop easily.

    I too was very, very afraid that I would never be able to recover and for that reason I didn't even try for a long time. But we are strong enough. You are strong enough. And you can do this.

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  5. I know I can ALWAYS count on you girls to support me and love me and encourage me with your words!

    I heart you all a ton!!

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