Even though I am still feeling empty & confused about so many things in my life at the moment... I think a huge step for me was to admit here on my blog that I have been struggling because as we know all too well - our secrets keep us sick! Even little secrets! Because little secrets can eventually turn into big secrets, just like this one did! Sometimes, we feel the need to keep certain secrets to protect (?) ourselves, but in reality we are actually hurting ourselves and pushing ourselves further away from recovery!
I thought that if I kept this latest struggle with eating to myself I could keep it under control and not have to worry the people around me... (will I ever learn that I can't control my ED!?!?) I know people in my life are so sick of this endless cycle that I seem to be in with my ED. They want me to "move on already!" And I do too, I just haven't figured out how to do that quite yet... And so for me to admit to them that I am still struggling is hard. So hard. Because I feel like I am letting them down and disappointing them...again! I hate that feeling so much! It makes me feel weak and like a loser... more than I already do.
I know that people are thinking "this has gone on since she was 13 years old, why can't she let this part of her life go and move on already??" I wish I had the answer for you, but I don't. I wonder these things myself. I hope someday I will have the answer for all of you who feel this way (especially me). I need the answer. I need to know there is a better life out there for me. I need to know how to move on - I don't want this to be my life. But I am terrified that it will be my life. I am so scared that I won't be strong enough to recover. That is my biggest fear and my biggest secret. (well, I guess it's not a secret anymore...)