Thursday, February 4, 2010

facing fears

Why am I so afraid? What is holding me back from finding a new job??

* I am afraid of getting fired or laid off again.

* I am afraid that I am not healthy enough physically (to have the endurance and the energy - If I am struggling so much right now to get through the day without feeling exhausted how am I going to manage with a full time job?)

* I am afraid that the health problems (stomach and digestive) I am currently dealing with (as a result of me trying to eat more and gain weight) will cause me to be even more sick.

* I am afraid that I am not healthy enough mentally - and I will struggle to do my job well (my concentration & memory is horrible right now).

* I am afraid that my ED behaviors will get worse... (the stress of work is a huge trigger for my behaviors to flare up and out of control) And I haven't learned how to prevent that from happening - but I am working on it.

* I am afraid that I won't be perfect! I am afraid that my perfectionism will push me and I won't know how to set boundaries in that particular area.

* I am afraid of the unknown, I am afraid of having to learn a whole new job, I am afraid of making mistakes...

But yesterday, I was able to face my fears about getting a new job and I made huge progress in this area! I realize that a lot of you who are reading this won't be able to understand why this is such a tough thing for me to do. You won't understand why it's so scary for me to "just go out and look for a new job" - but I am (unfortunately) an expert at letting my fears cripple me. I let them overwhelm me and I let them hold me back! Ugh, I hate this part of me and it's something that I have been working on with my treatment team to overcome.

I went out yesterday and met with some people at an employment place and we worked on my resume and sent it to quite a few jobs. I won't lie, I sat in my car for quite a while before I was able to get the courage to go in the building. But I went in! I just need to learn to breath and take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. I don't need to look at the whole picture right now. I don't need to worry so much about all these fears (and health concerns) that come with me working full-time again. Right now, I just need to focus on finding a job. My therapist is always trying to remind me to not worry so much about everything at once, and that we will tackle issues and problems as they come up ...easy for him to say! He isn't the one who ends up in the hospital multiple times from using ED behaviors to cope with the stress, pressure, out of control feelings that this girl here tends to allow into her life.

But maybe this time can be different. Maybe this time - I can have a healthy relationship when it comes to "me & my job". Maybe I can find other ways to cope. Maybe I can realize that I can say no, that I can stand up for myself, and not let the stress and pressure get to me! I haven't been able to do it yet...but there is always a first for everything. 


  1. I also get so anxious in my jobs. I hate the racing heart and horrible overwhelming thoughts that cloud my mind when I have to do something new. I find it so hard too. It's good though that you are working on it. You don't have to do all this all at once you know, baby steps. Plus it also feels good when you accomplish them. It sounds like, although you have a huge amount of anxiety at the moment, you doing fine. Could you maybe look at part time work and ease into it, rather than jumping straight into full time? Just a thought. If you are getting so tired, maybe you could have a think about this. I think you're awesome!
    Sarah :-)

  2. Oh girl good luck to you! I hope you continue to take those baby steps to improve your life. You're doing great. :) HUGS!!!