Friday, March 19, 2010

awkward!

I love my volunteer job! (which is where I am right now). I do, but I don't love that it is the same hospital that a lot of my E.R. visits and my hospital stays have been. So when I am here working, I am constantly on the lookout for any doctors or nurses who know about me about my ED and all of the time I have spent here because of it. I do enjoy being here though, because it makes me feel useful and needed. And it's a great distraction from my thoughts when I am feeling overwhelmed! And it's a healthy and positive way to spend some of my time each week. I am here twice a week to help out where I am needed.

And I have done really well when it comes to avoiding these certain people until 30 minutes ago... when of all people for me to run into - it had to be the primary doctor from when I was admitted here last fall. I tried to pretend like I didn't see him but he recognized me and came up to talk to me and see how I was doing. Let's just say -awkward(!!)... Because I wasn't the happiest or most compliant patient when I was here and he was in charge of taking care of me - I am usually not happy or compliant when it comes to hospitals, doctors, and that whole situation so it's embarrassing for me to see them (out and about in "normal" situations, and they are probably wondering why I am volunteering here and helping take care of other people when I can't even bloody take care of myself!) because they probably think I am a crazy girl! And I am obviously struggling (still)... you can tell just by looking at me so I know he didn't believe me when I said "I am doing great! I am really well!" He is a really nice doctor, and I still have to see him occasionally for him to check up on my kidneys but still!... I am trying to act like a normal person here, and I want to be recovered and doing really well when I see these people! Eff! I guess I can't expect to be able to hide from all these people so I might as well accept that I will see them, and they will see me struggling, and they will think I am a failure and that I can't get it together when it comes to recovery and my health. And I will just have to accept feeling embarrassed, self-conscious, guilty, ect. I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it, I guess.

1 comment:

  1. I think you are doing a brave thing. The fulfilment you will get from doing this voluntary work will no doubt outweigh the awkwardness of bumping into faces from the past, which in itself will fade with time.

    Sarah x

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