Friday, March 19, 2010

damn pants!!!

I have been feeling super anxious all day because the pants that I am wearing today feel tight. Eff! I hate when my pants feel tight because my fears and anxiety of feeling & being fat are just more confirmed in my head when my clothes feel tight. I hate gaining weight. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling bloated. I hate feeling out of control - because it makes me feel so damn anxious. But... according to my treatment team, I still have so much weight to gain... (and this fact alone overwhelms me and gives me incredible anxiety!!) And the healthy part of my mind (as small as it is right now) tries so hard to get me to recognize, understand, and believe this... so the fact that this pair of pants is tight on me - is a good thing(?)... I just can't cope with it! And all I think and obsess about is losing the extra poundage so that this pair of pants are loose on me again - because then I will be in control again...

5 comments:

  1. You are not fat - listen to that healthy part of you. The more you listen, the louder it will become and the quieter the eating disorder will get.

    Thanks for your lovely kind comment, and I too, am here for you :-)

    Sarah x

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  2. I know...and I want SOOOO much for the healthy part of me to be louder! That is something I am striving for! We all are : )

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  3. i know the feeling. jeans are always so triggering for me, espcially crunchy out of the wash... before they stretch out again. :(

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  4. Oh I HATE the dang pants issue. But tighter pants could equal a more fulfilling life when it comes down to it. I recommend a different pair of pants! And I promise I don't mean that in a rude or insensitive way, because I KNOW it's hard...really hard. But I've found that I do much better following through with what I'm supposed to when my pants aren't reminding me of it with every movement. I know, easier said than done.

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  5. I do understand this. I was so depressed when my skinny pants didn't fit anymore. But you know what, I can think better in my new ones and I like em! I think you have to remember that the only person that is going to worry about you being bigger is you. I know that is easy for me to say, but I don't know how many times I've said to people about how I worry about how I look, I always get told I'm smaller than everyone else. I never believed it. I have started to do reality testing. When I know the size pants that for me is healthy and I can see that they logically are still a small size, I have to force myself to think of something else or realise that I am not fat, even if it really really doesn't feel like it. It is SO hard, I know! You need that healthy side of you to come out more and to see you how others do. You are doing so well hun, keep it up!
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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