A couple of days ago in group we talked a lot about exercise. How to intuitively exercise, how to know if we are doing it too much, how to know if we are doing it for the right reasons, ect. Well, that group got me thinking a lot about my own thoughts and feelings about exercise, because every time I attempt to start exercising again (after the "exercise ban" has been lifted from my treatment team...and sometimes before it has been lifted...), I start off with good intentions but it quickly turns into an obsession and I am exercising too much!
I guess I just need to accept the fact that I can't exercise, and I probably never will be able to. And when I say "exercise" what I mean is: going to the gym, running outside, doing my exercise dvd's at home, ect. Because if I am being honest here... the only reason I am doing any of these things is to burn calories and lose weight! As much as I try to deny it to myself and others - that is the honest truth : ( And even though I keep thinking that "this time" will be different... it never is. So, if any of you see me doing any of the above mentioned things, you will know I am trying to burn calories. (I am just putting it out there to hopefully prevent me from engaging in these exercise behaviors, because I know people will know what I am doing is not in my best interest in regards to recovery and my health.)
But this doesn't make me weak...does it??? I am trying not to think that way. I am trying to tell myself that I am strong for admitting my temptations when it comes to exercise. I don't know if I have fully accepted this fact yet, but I am working on it.
Of course this doesn't mean that I can't find other healthy ways to exercise. I love to dance, especially ballet, so I can do that for exercise. I love recreational sports. I love taking walks outside when the weather is nice. So I can find things that I enjoy to do for exercise.
The thing that bothers me though is the fact that ANY type of movement makes me think of the calories I am burning... I hate that my mind does this but it's automatic and ingrained in my brain. It's like, even when I am cleaning the house, walking up the stairs, going shopping, ect - I am thinking about the calories I am burning...sometimes more intensely than other times but it's always there and I hate it!! But... I do have to say that when I am doing these fun things for exercise, those obsessive thoughts are not nearly as strong and intense as when I am doing the dvds, the gym, the running...
I am jealous of people who are able to do these things and do it in a healthy way. I would love to go to the gym or go running and not over-do it. (it hasn't happened yet) I would love to do my dvd's once or twice a week instead of every day or even twice a day. (this definitely hasn't happened yet...) And I need to not be sneaky and try to do these things when no one else is home, or close my door and exercise in my room... because if I have to sneak around to do it, I am doing something I shouldn't be doing - and we all know this is true!
I need to learn to accept the fact that I can't exercise, and more importantly, be okay with it.