Tuesday, March 16, 2010

my box

My therapist always talks to me about the importance of being able to "feel my feelings" and being able to sit with them and then move on. But I am not good at that. When those feelings that cause hurt, pain, fear, anxiety, insecurity all come to the surface - I don't handle it well and I turn to my ED to cope. I am trying to work through them with my treatment team, and in my daily life, but... the result of my attempts are what happened to me this past weekend when too many feelings come at the same time. I feel unable to handle them. They are too overwhelming. And I crash and burn.
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So, I do my best to try to keep them inside their box. I tie a pretty bow on it and try to make it look like there are not scary and horrible things inside it. But looks can, and do, deceive.
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How I am supposed to move on and recover when I am unable to cope with all that is inside this box??? I don't like this box and I don't like what is inside. I wish I could just get rid of it somehow without having to keep opening it up and going through it because I don't have the strength I need to cope with these kinds of feelings, memories, and emotions. I have spent most of my life trying desperately to keep these feelings inside my box...
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Feeling my feelings, sitting with them, and coping with them is so unnatural to me. I haven't gone through life being able to cope with all that's in my box like most normal people, and my ED is a result of that, because I've turned to it since I was a young girl. But I've got to do it! I have to figure out how to cope because this box can't and won't go away. We all have a box, it's a part of life - so I need to learn to be able to live with this box and be okay with this box.

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