Monday, March 15, 2010
overcome with feelings...but not the good ones.
I am doing...better.
I have had a rough few days (to say the least). Lately, I have been feeling enormous anxiety & depression from all my stupid health problems that are trying to take over my body, mind, and soul - and they are winning by the way. I have also been struggling emotionally and I have just been exhausted from trying to keep my head up and that brave smile plastered to my face...
I just want to be done with all this! I want to wash my hands of anorexia and leave it behind me, without picking it back up or running back to it! Is that too much to ask???
So... already feeling feelings that I prefer to keep hidden away and numb from (but the stinkers like to sneak out and creep up on me), I went to my doctor appointment on Thursday and all these feelings (I hate feeling my feelings! I hate it, hate it, hate it!) started to overflow from the cup I am trying to keep them all in somehow without spilling...
My doctor is frustrated with my inability to stop certain behaviors. Trust me, I am frustrated too!! We talked about a lot of stuff (actually, she did most of the talking this time while I just timidly sat there with my head down, trying to keep the tears to a minimum and listened while she lectured me and kept telling me how I know better and that things need to change quick or more action will need to be taken.) ...seriously, let's stop with all the threats... because that is something I am all too familiar with when it comes to treatment and it just reminds me that: I am not good enough, I am not doing enough...and my fears of being "fired" or "dropped" from yet another person in my life come raging back to the surface.
Then in therapy on Friday morning, I felt the same frustration from him. I think they are frustrated because I know what I need to do...so I should just do it already and stop with all this nonsense! I wish I could! Yes, I do know what I need to do, but lately, I can't seem to do it! And I am not sure these people are understanding that, or maybe they are just tired of dealing with me... I am constantly in fear of them giving up on me and dropping me as a patient because it has happened (too many times) before from medical professionals and people in my personal life....
I had already been feeling a lot of emotions, discouragement, and fear - and my doctor's appointment and therapy session just added to those feelings. I left therapy on Friday feeling like such a weak person who was failing miserably at recovery and my attempts at getting my life back on track. I ended up not going to the overnight church retreat to a cabin (with the other gals from church) because I didn't want to deal with all the food that would be there (because that would have not only spilled the cup... I probably would have dropped it!) and I just didn't have the energy to put on my brave happy face and pretend like everything was okay. Because it wasn't.
Somehow, I was able to drag myself out of bed on Sunday, and I went to church. I am so grateful that I made the choice to attend church because I felt someone whisper to me "things will be okay." And I know that whisper was from God, and I am grateful that He was able to push His way through all of the chaos in my head, and I am so grateful that I was able to hear it. Somehow, being at church that day and listening to the talks and just being around friends there who love me - took away some of those feelings. I felt God lift some of my burdens for me before they completely overtook me. Because I was done. I was ready to throw in the towel.
I think I am doing okay now... the feelings are still there, they are just not as strong. And I am trying to stuff them back in their box where they are gone and can't hurt me. I am just trying to take things, usually it's one day at a time, but over the past few days it's been more like one hour or even one moment at a time.
I want to thank everyone for all of their support and love for me because feelings were so strong and I got through it because of knowing there are people out there who care about me and want me to be happy and recovered. And also the slow but ever-growing faith in God and his love for me. I need Him in my life.