Monday, March 1, 2010

this girl can't do it


For the past 3(ish) months I have cut back drastically on treatment. Why, you ask? Let's think about that question for a moment here...


1- At that time, last Novemeber(ish), I had been feeling treatment burnout in a big way and needed a break (?) Because over these past few years I have been in major treatment overload (which brings us to the next point which is...)
 
2- I felt I was becoming too dependent on treatment programs and my lovely team of therapist, dietitian, and multiple doctors. I need to learn to do it on my own, don't I? I need to learn to cut those safety strings of treatment. I can't be in treatment forever.
3- The money thing of course is always an issue. I have already spent insane amounts of money (as have my parents too) and have gone into debt.
4- I wanted to try to live some sort of a normal (?) life.
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And where has this almost non-existent treatment program left this girl? Not in a good place. I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit this here on my blog because I feel like I am letting so many people down but I feel like over the past few months I have been falling back into the mental mindset of pre-recovery and that my ED is back in the driver's seat with me struggling in my attempts to gain even some of the control. I hate this state of mind I am in, I hate this feeling. And I hate feeling like the only time I am able to be in any sort of "recovery place" in my life is when I am in intensive treatment programs. I don't want to be in treatment forever. I want to move on and forward with my life. So why can't I? What is wrong with me?? I feel so weak and I feel like the ED is suffocating me! This carousel ride needs to stop because I want off! I just don't know how to get off, and more importantly, I don't know if I am actually strong enough to not only get off - but stay off!  Because up to this point in my life everything is telling me and showing me that I can't. 

3 comments:

  1. I struggle with the same thing. treatment or no treatment. sometimes i feel like i'm doomed to be in tx for the rest of my life!!! I hear ya hon. http://dietcolagirl.blogspot.com

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  2. I think this is such a hard thing to figure out. I too hate being in treatment--I feel like I get dependent on it and I can't afford it, but then I don't always trust myself enough to do the things I need to do for myself. But you are a strong person and you've been through treatment and you know what kind of things you need to do to get yourself to a healthy place. That doesn't make it easy, but I think you are stronger than you think.

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  3. Thanks for the support and encouragement :)

    I hesitated in writing such a negative post but I felt like I NEEDED to get that out so it wasn't living inside me so much! I felt like I was suffocating with the stress and pressure of trying to live up to what "everyone" is expecting of me...you know?

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