Whenever my therapist tries to talk to me about my daily food intake, he always asks "What does your dietitian say?" He knows that I have been avoiding my dietitian for the past few months but he always asks me this question anyways because he doesn't like the fact that I don't go to my appointments. Usually he hasn't been pushing the issue. Until now. This time, he pushed more than usual.
me (panicking): "but I see my doctor and we talk about my weight and vitals!"
therapist: "do you talk about what you're eating?"
me: "umm, no - she thinks I am seeing my dietitian..."
therapist: "so if you are not talking to her, or talking to me about it - how do we know what your daily intake is??"
me: "but I don't like my dietitian!"
therapist: "we will find you a new one then."
Then I quickly changed the subject. I have been successfully avoiding my dietitian for the past few months and I knew that it wouldn't last forever but I hate the pressure when it comes to that area because I can never eat the amounts that they want me and expect me to. I can't! It's too much food for me! I realize that they want me eating lots and lots of food until I am back in my weight maintenance range but... it's too much food! Too much pressure! So I always feel like a failure, and that's why I stopped going to appointments.
My therapist hasn't been pushing the issue too much because he has been letting me see if I can manage on my own - but I guess I can't. Another thing I am a failure at. I am going to try to keep stalling but I don't know what's going to happen. Especially because I have had a drop in my weight this past week but... I am already feeling enough pressure with the weight gain attempts and the food I am trying to eat now - and so it's been nice to not have the insane dietary pressure that I usually have with dietitians. I feel like it's a never-ending cycle with me. I wish I could just eat the way I want to eat and feel comfortable eating... whatever...I don't care anymore... I am just over this whole thing.