Friday, April 23, 2010

"what does your dietician say?"

Whenever my therapist tries to talk to me about my daily food intake, he always asks "What does your dietitian say?" He knows that I have been avoiding my dietitian for the past few months but he always asks me this question anyways because he doesn't like the fact that I don't go to my appointments. Usually he hasn't been pushing the issue. Until now. This time, he pushed more than usual.

me (panicking): "but I see my doctor and we talk about my weight and vitals!"
therapist: "do you talk about what you're eating?"
me: "umm, no - she thinks I am seeing my dietitian..."
therapist: "so if you are not talking to her, or talking to me about it - how do we know what your daily intake is??"
me: "but I don't like my dietitian!"
therapist: "we will find you a new one then."

Then I quickly changed the subject. I have been successfully avoiding my dietitian for the past few months and I knew that it wouldn't last forever but I hate the pressure when it comes to that area because I can never eat the amounts that they want me and expect me to. I can't! It's too much food for me! I realize that they want me eating lots and lots of food until I am back in my weight maintenance range but... it's too much food! Too much pressure! So I always feel like a failure, and that's why I stopped going to appointments.

My therapist hasn't been pushing the issue too much because he has been letting me see if I can manage on my own - but I guess I can't. Another thing I am a failure at. I am going to try to keep stalling but I don't know what's going to happen. Especially because I have had a drop in my weight this past week but... I am already feeling enough pressure with the weight gain attempts and the food I am trying to eat now - and so it's been nice to not have the insane dietary pressure that I usually have with dietitians. I feel like it's a never-ending cycle with me. I wish I could just eat the way I want to eat and feel comfortable eating... whatever...I don't care anymore... I am just over this whole thing.


  1. if the pressure and the "amount" of food is what stresses you out the most then eat more dense food. you dont have to have bulky things like fruits/veggies at every meal.

    have cheesy scrambled eggs(mixed with heavy cream) fried in butter for breakfast. its an incredily easy dense meal calorie-wise. i can make a cheese omellette for 800+ calories out of 2 eggs- not much food at all but dense

    for lunch try a whole avocado mixed with meat(or fake meat if your veggie) and add a container of FULL FAT fage with mixed nuts/nut butter...another easy, small, and high calorie meal that wont overload your belly

    dinner, again, take a veggie and work around it. if you like broccolli make a quiche with cheese/cream/eggs/cream cheese/butter/potatoes

    this way, you just eat 3 times, less worry and constant food analyzing/obsessing. the meals are small, calorie packed and dense. they are fully nutritious and wont leave you bloated which only makes matters worse.

    you wont feel like you eating a lot, but you are. this is what worked for me and i pack away a good 4000/day without the agonizing water retention/bloat/digestive problems. easy on the mind too!

    i wish you the best, i hope you consider or try this b/c it really WORKED for me and i want it to work for you

  2. You are not a failure. Weight gain is hard, and I can understand you freaking out about the amounts of food involved. Please don't give up on yourself or recovery.

    Sarah x

  3. More "calorically-dense" foods is a good idea - but the only problem with it is the fact that I struggle INTENSLY with the mental part of eating high caloric/fattening foods.

    That's why I feel so discouraged because I am not only trying to deal with the physical discomfort of eating and weight gain, but also coping with the mental TERROR and GUILT that comes with eating.

    A big problem of mine is being able to MAINTAIN my weight gain, and not keep going through the cycle of "gain then lose, then gain, then lose..." Does that make sense? That's the biggest thing for me. Eating ENOUGH to not only reach a healthy weight but actually be able to also maintain that weight on a daily basis once I get there.

    I NEED to find a way to get past not only the physical part but the mental as well...

    Sorry I am such a negative complainer today, I am just SOOOOOO discouraged with myself and I am tired of trying but it never quite being good enough.

  4. Do you ever feel like the ed is SO engrained in your mind and soul that you will NEVER be able to get rid of it - no matter how hard you fight???

  5. I quit therapy/dietitian! It was just WAY too much for me!! I am going to an ED group through LDS family services and the therapist there wants me to start seeing her...and I don't want to. She told me it's OK to take a break, but that I still need it. I would really love to tell you that I don't need it...but I do. It really sucks to do it alone! I am going down really fast. Faster than I thought was even possible. I can't do it without therapist/dietitian/dr. And neither can you! I know you can do it! I love you!

  6. Sweetheart, YES, Lots of times I DO feel that the ED is so entrenched and ingrained in my mind, that I will never be free of it. I have been struggling with that a lot lately, after having the anorexia for 18 yrs, then being free to a certain extent for a couple of years, and now in this relapse at 38yrs old - just makes me go AAGGHH!!AM I EVER GOING TO NOT fall victim to relapse and allowing the ED thoughts and behaviours to overtake me...
    I truly empathise and understand, sweetheart, and my heart goes out to you - I don't have the answer yet, but I do know that I and YOU, must NOT EVER GIVE UP OR GIVE IN - WE are stronger than the ED, no matter how crap we may feel right now.
    I also wish I could say, yes, just don't see your dietician, etc, but I HONESTLY BELIEVE that it is simply too difficult to do it alone, it is SO SO HARD.
    Please sweetheart, keep remembering how incredible you are and how much you have already come through - you can SO DO THIS, I truly believe in you 100%.
    I love you heaps.
    Please feel free to email me so we can chat, if you would like? I would love you to.