Someone (who will remain nameless, because I love them and I don't blame them for how I feel right now... I am just using them as an example of comments people make to me on a daily basis) asked me about an hour ago how my doctor's appointment went and when I told her, I got upset and started to cry as I told her about the appointment and getting into an argument with the doctor... (and we were in a public place so unfortunately, people could witness this as they walked by us) - she looked at me in disbelief (because her - like everyone else- think this all should be so obvious to me...) and proceeded to tell me that "I do still need to gain weight, and how can I really believe that I don't because it's so obvious, and I should recognize and accept this fact, and that I should be able to see this because my clothes that used to fit me (when I was at a maintenance weight) are still baggy and too big on me, and so on...." This person loves me. This person means well. This person is just trying to get me to see what my treatment team is trying to convince me of. But I am embarrassed that I get so emotional while talking about something that a lot of people view as so superficial like weight. But... when you are battling something as powerful as an eating disorder - your head is not rational at all, and I realize this... but it doesn't make it any less anxiety producing and my fears are still there and still alive & kicking!! Because I can't see that I still have a lot of weight to gain! I don't see it - so why is everyone expecting me to???
Recovering from anorexia is the hardest (and lots and lots of times seemingly impossible) thing I have ever tried to do! My fears are real, and even though I am embarrassed by my freaking out over something that seems so superficial to most people (my weight) it is real and it is scary! I wish so much that food, weight, and numbers didn't send me into such a tailspin but it does - I don't know how to make it not. Hopefully I will someday (soon) though because I don't know how much more of this emotional anxiety I can handle. Seriously.