Friday, April 9, 2010

emotions high, and feeling embarrassed

Someone (who will remain nameless, because I love them and I don't blame them for how I feel right now... I am just using them as an example of comments people make to me on a daily basis) asked me about an hour ago how my doctor's appointment went and when I told her, I got upset and started to cry as I told her about the appointment and getting into an argument with the doctor... (and we were in a public place so unfortunately, people could witness this as they walked by us) - she looked at me in disbelief (because her - like everyone else- think this all should be so obvious to me...) and proceeded to tell me that "I do still need to gain weight, and how can I really believe that I don't because it's so obvious, and I should recognize and accept this fact, and that I should be able to see this because my clothes that used to fit me (when I was at a maintenance weight) are still baggy and too big on me, and so on...." This person loves me. This person means well. This person is just trying to get me to see what my treatment team is trying to convince me of. But I am embarrassed that I get so emotional while talking about something that a lot of people view as so superficial like weight. But... when you are battling something as powerful as an eating disorder - your head is not rational at all, and I realize this... but it doesn't make it any less anxiety producing and my fears are still there and still alive & kicking!! Because I can't see that I still have a lot of weight to gain! I don't see it - so why is everyone expecting me to???

Recovering from anorexia is the hardest (and lots and lots of times seemingly impossible) thing I have ever tried to do! My fears are real, and even though I am embarrassed by my freaking out over something that seems so superficial to most people (my weight) it is real and it is scary! I wish so much that food, weight, and numbers didn't send me into such a tailspin but it does - I don't know how to make it not. Hopefully I will someday (soon) though because I don't know how much more of this emotional anxiety I can handle. Seriously.

4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that it seems like people are not understanding how you feel about your weight. Unfortunately a lot of people don't understand unless they have been through it themselves. For someone with an ED, it's not obvious for us when we need to be at a higher weight.

    Your friend does seem like she is trying to help, though hearing that someone doesn't understand how you feel can make things worse.

    It is your ED that is telling you that you don't need to gain anymore weight though and as hard and upsetting as it is to accept, from what you have written it seems that you do need to still gain weight. As hard as it is, try to fight what the ED is telling you, and try to trust the professionals until you're a little stronger and the ED voice gets a bit weaker.

    Take care,

    -Cassie

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  2. I completely understand and empathise with every word you wrote, Jenn.
    Its so good that you know your loved one IS ONLY TRYING TO HELP, but THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS FRIGHTENING AND OVERWHELMING FOR YOU TO ACCEPT GAINING MORE WEIGHT.
    You are brave to express all of this and I feel the same way - I hate that it is an issue for me again, in this relapse,that I am terrified to be bigger but I know without a doubt that i must gain back to being healthy again.
    My dietician said something which completely spun me out, yet was so true - she said, you are a 30-something woman but your body does NOT LOOK like that - it looks like a thin adolescent and thats why you are not healthy!

    But it is SO HARD TO ACCEPT and COPE with body change - and i am frustrated to be back in this mindset with this relapse.

    HANG IN THERE Jenn and I FEEL FOR YOU and ADMIRE YOU HEAPS.
    Jennifer xxoo
    PS. I passed on an award to you, in my blog, but the link didnt work xx

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  3. damn straight they're REAL!!! Sometimes the best meaning friends can say the most UNhelpful things. They just don't know better and their ignorance can be detrimental.

    xoxo Tia

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  4. Of course they are real. So many people experience these fears in recovery, and this is so hard for outsiders to grasp. I know only too well how friends and family can miss the point sometimes.

    It's important that you can be open about these feelings and fears, so that you can deal with them productively.

    Part of the illness is that we need others to reassure us of reality, because an eating disorder deprives us of being able to see ourselves for what we truly are.

    Hopefully in time your friend will understand and appreciate this, my friends and family are still struggling to understand, but the more we are open and honest about our fears, the better we can battle the misunderstandings that surround EDs.

    Sarah x

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