I want to cry... I can't do this. I want to throw in the towel - because this is all too much! And not just what I write in this post today - but all of it!!!
My doctor's appointment yesterday did not go well and turned into an arguing match. Worse than the usual arguments between me and members of my treatment team. I am feeling completely helpless and full of anxiety over my body. Lately, I have been feeling (more than usual) that I have reached my maintenance level! So when I went in to my appointment, I was so sure that she would tell me that the weight restoration could stop. I was convinced! But that was not what happened. We spent a lot of time arguing with each other about it and I just ended up feeling worse than when we first started talking.
She said to me: "Jenn, every time you come in I keep telling you the same thing - that you have only gained a few pounds in these past few months. I tell you that every time you come in and it hasn't changed! You have not gained very much weight and before that you were losing so... how can you think you are at your maintenance point already? You need to trust me, keep doing what we are telling you to, and let us worry about your weight. You are talking to me like you have gained 20 pounds and you haven't! You need to trust me because you still have quite a bit more to gain!
(Ugh, that trust word again. I struggle with trusting people - especially when my feelings are saying something totally different!)
Me: "Well, just let me see the number then! Tell me what the number is- because I feel like I should be done gaining, and I feel like I have gained too much!!"
Doc: "You know I can't do that, you need to trust me! And hear me when I tell you that you haven't gained very much! You still have more weight to gain."
What!?!? Did I hear that right!?! More weight to gain!? I can't do this!! I want to be done, I need to be done! I am struggling so much because when I look in the mirror, I see someone who has gained so much weight! And I don't know how I am supposed to gain even more weight when I am not even comfortable (at all!) where I am right now! The doctor yesterday reminded me (as everyone on my tx team seems to do so often) that one of the reasons why I need to trust them is because "my perception of myself and my body is waaaay off and so distorted that I am not a good judge of my what my body really looks like." I want to believe them and trust them, but it's hard when I feel so different. So I usually end up saying:
"But it's how I feel and this is a good reason why I should be able to weight myself or at least see the weight when I come in to see you!" Of course, my desperate pleas never work...
I am sorry for my venting (and I am sorry if this is triggering) but I am just frustrated, overwhelmed, & anxious with how the appointment went because I feel huuuuuge! I feel like I am eating enough and I feel like I am gaining too much - but obviously what I feel doesn't matter (which people are making quite clear to me).
And I am struggling so much and I don't want to gain anymore & I am not even comfortable (at all) with where I am at now - and already want to lose what I have gained. I hate that, I hate myself so much & I hate that I am so uncomfortable in my body & I hate that my mind is constantly consumed and bombarded with the thoughts of not wanting to eat and wanting to lose the weight I have been gaining...will this cycle ever end??
On a positive note (yes, I was able to find one) is that I am out of the "danger zone" - which is really good because when I am at these points with my weight I am always being threatened with an NG tube or inpatient, or both - so it's nice to not have those threats and one less thing to worry about - but it still sucks that I have to keep gaining). So I am seriously thinking (more than usual) that I need to buy a scale again so I can see if I really do need to gain weight or not. I struggle with trusting others - especially blind trust! : (