Friday, April 9, 2010

feeling so uncomfortable in my body : (

I want to cry... I can't do this. I want to throw in the towel - because this is all too much! And not just what I write in this post today - but all of it!!!

My doctor's appointment yesterday did not go well and turned into an arguing match. Worse than the usual arguments between me and members of my treatment team. I am feeling completely helpless and full of anxiety over my body. Lately, I have been feeling (more than usual) that I have reached my maintenance level! So when I went in to my appointment, I was so sure that she would tell me that the weight restoration could stop. I was convinced! But that was not what happened. We spent a lot of time arguing with each other about it and I just ended up feeling worse than when we first started talking.

She said to me: "Jenn, every time you come in I keep telling you the same thing - that you have only gained a few pounds in these past few months. I tell you that every time you come in and it hasn't changed! You have not gained very much weight and before that you were losing so... how can you think you are at your maintenance point already? You need to trust me, keep doing what we are telling you to, and let us worry about your weight. You are talking to me like you have gained 20 pounds and you haven't! You need to trust me because you still have quite a bit more to gain!

(Ugh, that trust word again. I struggle with trusting people - especially when my feelings are saying something totally different!)

Me: "Well, just let me see the number then! Tell me what the number is- because I feel like I should be done gaining, and I feel like I have gained too much!!"

Doc: "You know I can't do that, you need to trust me! And hear me when I tell you that you haven't gained very much! You still have more weight to gain."

What!?!? Did I hear that right!?! More weight to gain!? I can't do this!! I want to be done, I need to be done! I am struggling so much because when I look in the mirror, I see someone who has gained so much weight! And I don't know how I am supposed to gain even more weight when I am not even comfortable (at all!) where I am right now! The doctor yesterday reminded me (as everyone on my tx team seems to do so often) that one of the reasons why I need to trust them is because "my perception of myself and my body is waaaay off and so distorted that I am not a good judge of my what my body really looks like." I want to believe them and trust them, but it's hard when I feel so different. So I usually end up saying:

"But it's how I feel and this is a good reason why I should be able to weight myself or at least see the weight when I come in to see you!" Of course, my desperate pleas never work...
I am sorry for my venting (and I am sorry if this is triggering) but I am just frustrated, overwhelmed, & anxious with how the appointment went because I feel huuuuuge! I feel like I am eating enough and I feel like I am gaining too much - but obviously what I feel doesn't matter (which people are making quite clear to me).

And I am struggling so much and I don't want to gain anymore & I am not even comfortable (at all) with where I am at now - and already want to lose what I have gained. I hate that, I hate myself so much & I hate that I am so uncomfortable in my body & I hate that my mind is constantly consumed and bombarded with the thoughts of not wanting to eat and wanting to lose the weight I have been gaining...will this cycle ever end??


On a positive note (yes, I was able to find one) is that I am out of the "danger zone" - which is really good because when I am at these points with my weight I am always being threatened with an NG tube or inpatient, or both - so it's nice to not have those threats and one less thing to worry about - but it still sucks that I have to keep gaining). So I am seriously thinking (more than usual) that I need to buy a scale again so I can see if I really do need to gain weight or not. I struggle with trusting others - especially blind trust! : (

7 comments:

  1. Aw hun, I can totally relate to your anxieties about gaining, and I found it very hard to get to the point I am now, and stay here. But you know what? Once you get used to having a healthy body, it's pretty amazing. And it IS possible, to love and enjoy this body. I look back at my diary and can't believe the ridiculously low weights I wanted to maintain at. I'm so glad I pushed myself to a truly healthy BMI, because this is the only way to make recovery work. The weight gain process is horrible, but just think, this is the last time you ever want to do it, so just take it a step at a time, and get where you need to be, rather than where your ED wants you to be.

    Sarah x

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  2. I can feel your pain so intensely. I can feel the desperation and frustration because I have dealt with it and continue to deal with the very same thing. I wish it were easier. I wish we could just BE OKAY with it... but what my tx team keeps telling me is, the only way is *through*. You have to push through it because each time you back away, it doesn't get any easier or make the process any different. the Reality sucks, eh? But we've just gotta keep "trusting". the toughest thing to do. hang in there, my thoughts are with you! ((hugs))

    xoxo Tia

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  3. Progress can be terrifying. I think a lot of us (even me) can be scared of success in a way. Weird huh? I'm proud of you for being out of the danger zone. :) You're doing good!!

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  4. I know how scary trust can be, it's awful to give that away to someone else. I had to do this too this week when my scale was taken away. All I will say is that I really do get how scary this is and how sad it makes you and how you want to cry because it's all too much. Be kind to yourself hun.
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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  5. Gaining weight is miserable. There's no other way to put it. When I've had to gain weight the main thing that kept me pushing forward and wanting to maintain was that I did not want to endure the agony of weight gain any more than I had to. And you KNOW that if you were to lose the weight you would just have to gain it all over again- your treatment team wouldn't allow you to stay there (and I know deep down you don't really want to be there(at a lower weight) because you know that means zero quality of life).
    Just power through this so you can be done with the gaining part and onto the learning to be okay with your new *healthy* (<---like, honestly healthy, not the alternate meaning of FAT that ED likes to make us believe)body.I think that part was easier than I expected it to be. Not easy, just not as difficult as the gaining. You will still have times when you struggle with body image but you will also be reaping all the benefits of living life with a body that functions as it is supposed to.
    Again, I don't want to invalidate what you are going through because it truly does SUCK. BUT, the end result is more than worth it. Keep up the good work, and try to trust your treatment team as hard as it might be. Really, they care about you probably a great deal more than you care about yourself, so they are in a much better position to judge where you are at and what you need.

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  6. Jenn--- I am so glad you are out of the danger zone. Keep going! We are praying for you! Hugs!

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  7. Oh, Jenn.... You know what is so hard about this (in my opinion). It's not necessarily the weight gain that is so hard, it's the fact that you feel that your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions are totally disregarded. It sucks when people treat you like your perception is totally off... when people tell you "aw, huny, that's what you think, but that's not true." It sucks when people don't listen to you, make you feel like you know nothing, nothing about yourself... nothing about anything. I've gone through that a lot before and it just leaves you feeling so.... defeated, stupid, looked down upon, like a child, and DISREPSECTED. How you feel is real and it does matter. You do have an eating disorder, but you're not stupid - you have a right to be PARRT of your recovery. Recovery should be a process that is done WITH you - not TO you. This is so hard, I know. I hope you feel heard, listened to, and respected in your next dr. appt.

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