Lately, I have been feeling more lonely than usual.
I have been isolating more.
I am scared to let people into my life - especially lately.
I hold people at a distance
because I am scared of them seeing the "real me."
But who is the "real me?"
I don't even know who that person is.
And if I can't love me and accept me for who I am,
How can other people?
I hide behind the ED because it's safe.
I hide behind the ED because it's familiar.
But in that hiding - is a very lonely place.
Sometimes, I am good at putting on my mask and pretending like
I am okay.
But lately, I have felt so beaten down by the ED
I am trying to fight. I am trying to save my life.
But it feels like a never-ending battle and I am barely hanging on to the rope.
Maybe, if I can let people back into my world,
I can let them help me.
But do they deserve that? Do they deserve the burden of the ED also?
I don't think that is fair to them.
This is my illness - not theirs.
They didn't ask for a daughter, a sister, a friend, a coworker, a roommate who is struggling so much with an illness that is so hard for them to understand.
I wish it was as simple as "just eat."
But it's not - it's so much deeper than that.
And if I am struggling to fully understand why this illness has such an impossible grip on me,
How can others understand me
when I don't even understand myself?