Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I need to love me before anyone else can

Lately, I have been feeling more lonely than usual.
I have been isolating more.
I am scared to let people into my life - especially lately.
I hold people at a distance
because I am scared of them seeing the "real me."
But who is the "real me?"
I don't even know who that person is.
And if I can't love me and accept me for who I am,
How can other people?
I hide behind the ED because it's safe.
I hide behind the ED because it's familiar.
But in that hiding - is a very lonely place.
Sometimes, I am good at putting on my mask and pretending like
I am okay.
But lately, I have felt so beaten down by the ED
I am trying to fight. I am trying to save my life.
But it feels like a never-ending battle and I am barely hanging on to the rope.

Maybe, if I can let people back into my world,
I can let them help me.
But do they deserve that? Do they deserve the burden of the ED also?
I don't think that is fair to them.
This is my illness - not theirs.
They didn't ask for a daughter, a sister, a friend, a coworker, a roommate who is struggling so much with an illness that is so hard for them to understand.

I wish it was as simple as "just eat."
But it's not - it's so much deeper than that.
And if I am struggling to fully understand why this illness has such an impossible grip on me,
How can others understand me
when I don't even understand myself?


  1. Perhaps you could let me in, as I am in Australia, which is soooo far away, so it would be safe for you...I really mean it. I think we are a lot alike in terms of having had the ED for so long, plus our ages,ie.I am still a lot older but we both aren't teens/early 20s. YIKES, THAT WASN'T MEANT TO SOUND SO DEPRESSING!!
    Also, this post you just wrote, could be coming from my own mouth, its so like me!

    I will leave my email contact again, and would love if you took me up on the offer.
    Love Jennifer.

  2. Hey dear,
    I think that the people in your life who care about you would gladly help you with this. It has been my experience that they don't want to see you hurting, and want to help you get to a better place. They don't have to carry ED by themselves, you are correct that it is not their burden, but at the same time, is it fair that you have to take on the world by yourself?

    This has been a very hard concept for me to grasp. I don't really understand why other people would want to help me, and I hate to burden others. But I am slowly realizing that other people don't think of it as taking all your burdens, but rather just helping. Would you help a friend in need? So would they. Plus they are in a better mental frame to think about these things, they may not always know how to help, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't want to if you reached out to them.

    Not that I'm saying any of this is easy, just some thoughts dear.

    Just so you know, I think you're lovely.
    Love, Andy

  3. ED brought us together as friends. Not that we are the most healthy people, but I do understand what it is like. Just know I am always here. And I love you :)

  4. It's ok to let people in, and they can probably help. The eating disorder isn't fair on you either, you didn't deserve this, and with family and friends on side, you can present a united front against the eating disorder. The more people you have helping you, the better.

    I can empathise with your fears of leaving the ED behind, and not being sure who you are beyond it. But believe me there is definitely someone there, and that someone is worth bringing out into the sunshine. Recovery will help you get to know the real you better, but it will take time and some self exploration :-)

    Sarah x

  5. Hey girl! Not that I can totally relate to what you're going through but I want you to know you are always welcome to send me an email or whatever might help. I know I'm not there in person but if you need a virtual shoulder to lean on (or a weekend to get away) you just let me know. I for one think the friends that truly care, that want to help won't see you reaching out to them as a burden. We love you and want you to be able to do what you need to recover. Thinking of you always girl! HUGS!

  6. I can understand what you said in the last line If I can't understand what I am going through how can others? I feel the exact same way. Our family may not have asked for our burdens/struggles to come with us... but they love us and they want to help us. They want to see us happy. They want to rescue us... even though they can't always rescue us. Hang in there... Look for the happiness in things... I believe if you can find happiness in food or outside of the ED it will be easier to overcome it altho it will be a struggle still. Hope you're doing better.