Saturday, April 10, 2010

just some of my thoughts on a saturday afternoon

I just want to say thanks so much everyone for all of their comments, love, and support for me! It means more than you know! It's so comforting to have so much love and support when you are consumed with despair and crazy emotions.

I also feel I need to apologize for my outbursts yesterday in my two posts. I just feel like emotions have been building and building inside of me and the doctor's appointment was kinda the "final straw," you know? I don't know why I had convinced myself that the appointment would go "my way" - because it hardly ever does!...so why am I thinking this time would be different!?!? And then, I guess I was expecting this person I talked to yesterday to agree with me - (no, wait... agree with the ED!) - and when she didn't I was more upset. But I am so glad she didn't because I have enough to handle already with my ED and I don't need other people agreeing with, supporting, and enabling the ED. And thanks to all of you - because none of you did that either (even though a part of me was hoping for someone to write a comment telling me I didn't need to gain anymore weight...). I am grateful I have people in my life (family, friends, my treatment team, ect.) who care enough about me to tell me things I don't want to hear but need to hear even when they know I don't want to hear it!

Last night, I was looking through some of my recovery journals and scrapbooks. It's something I try to do when I am struggling and I especially love to read letters I have saved from when I have been inpatient or in the hospital. It comforts me and reminds me that I am loved and I am strong. Anyways, I came across this letter from a dear friend who I met at an inpatient facility. And it really spoke to me because of what I am struggling with. So I wanted to post it on here and share it with everyone. It's one example of how she describes recovery and trust:
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Recovery is like... Someone telling you that the sun is out and you can't see it at all! You are looking at the same sky but you can't see the sun, and they are like "it's right there!" But you can't see it. And you just have to trust that it is there until the clouds you're under disappear and you are finally able to see the sun again.
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I am still freaked out and upset that I have more weight to gain but I am not going to let those fears and emotions overpower the part of my brain that is striving for recovery! Well, I am going to try my hardest not too. I need to keep trying to understand and repair those damaged parts of me that are so fearful and obsessive about food, weight, and numbers - and all the inner demons and fears that I have not been able to sort out and recover from yet. I will get there, and I know all of you will too!!!

xoxo,
me

4 comments:

  1. Your friend is right. You need to trust when others tell you that recovery exists and is achievable. I always think it takes a leap of faith. I never even dreamed life could be as amazing as it is now, and there really really is a life beyond the ED which you can have. But you need to get to a healthy weight and stay there to reap the rewards.

    You can and will get there :-)

    Sarah x

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  2. I love you! Just keep on keepin' on, and one day you will look back and be proud of yourself- push now, reflect later! You are beautiful.

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  3. ugh, weight gain sucks! I know you keep hearing this, but trust your team. I know it is hard when you think you are at a certain point and then you find out you have much further to go. But in the end it will be worth it. Just imagine- being free of ED! Unfortunately sometimes things get harder before they get easier. But the only way OUT is THROUGH! Just reading your posts thoug, I admire how brave you are- facing the ED head on, admiting when you are struggling, and being willing to fight! Keep it up girl!

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  4. I struggled the last time I had to weight-restored — I hated every pound, and didn't want to believe my doctor that I needed to gain even more weight. I looked at my body and thought, "No way!" But in my heart, I knew he was right and ED was wrong.

    And now I'm back (almost) at the beginning again. This time I'm going to Renfrew for the 30-day program; I know I won't eat enough to do this at home. For some reason, I'm am just too resistant to eat more than I feel comfortable with and I don't want to deal with the 24/7 feelings of fullness and everything else it brings with it.

    But I know I need to gain weight, no matter how much I feel guilty for every single bite. Being a healthy weight is the first step toward full recovery and there is no way is to do it but eat (and eat and eat and eat ...)

    But imagine once you are at the other side — there is life and hope and dreams and possibilities; so many possibilities abound and you can do and be anything once you are free of ED! You can be yourself, your true self. And some day, you will feel comfortable with your body; I was beginning to before I relapsed.

    You can do it. You can make 2010 the year you unlocked the jail and set yourself free! And then think of how 2011 will be ... The life you've always dreamed of you already are starting to create by going through this process. It is a hard process, but once you're through it - you're free!

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