Saturday, April 3, 2010

me + food = fear, anxiety & guilt

I have a lot on my mind and I am feeling very discouraged with myself so I am going to write about it and be honest about what is going on...

I haven't seen a dietitian since last October which is so strange for me because before that I was constantly being monitored and in the care of a dietitian for years. I just kind of stopped going (I get so much anxiety when I am pushed - and lots of times forced - to eat more than I am comfortable with and I don't cope very well with it). And at the time I stopped going, I was really stressed out and I was sick of having someone pushing me to eat, eat, EAT! And I just didn't want to have to deal with it. (Which I realize is a problem because my level of "comfort" when it comes to food is not very much food, if any at all). The other people on my treatment team and my family haven't been pushing it because, at first they didn't know that I had stopped going and for the past few months, they have been giving me a chance to try and push myself and do it on my own. But if I don't step it up really soon I will once again be forced to start seeing another dietitian.

Deep down, I know I should be seeing a dietitian (I shouldn't have ever stopped, if I am being honest with myself) and it doesn't help that I think I tend to let the people around me believe that I am doing better than I really am in this area...but I just feel like I can't deal with and cope with the fear, anxiety, and guilt that comes with food, eating, and gaining weight.

I am pushing myself and there are days when I do okay when it comes to my food intake but I should be doing better and being more consistent when it comes to this area of my recovery at this point. But I am struggling when it comes to my intake because I let the fear, anxiety, and guilt overpower me... It seems like the only times my intake is consistently acceptable is when I am being forced to eat - which frustrates me and discourages me because I don't understand why I can't do it on my own! And even though my poor eating habits are causing a lot of health and cognitive problems in my daily life - I am so used to them that they usually are not a big deal to me (or I am just numbing them out or in denial about them). 
 
Will it ever change? Will I ever enjoy food? Will I ever be able to go even one full day without feeling guilty for what I ate?

love,
a very discouraged and scared girl

4 comments:

  1. Oh Jenn. :( I am sorry that eating is a struggle to you. I love you! Remember who you are (A DAUGHTER OF GOD) and you need nourishment to keep you going!

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  2. gil you can do it, you ae letting the ED voice and self take over...maybean outpatient program will helpwhere you eat with someone some of your meals?

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  3. I am so sorry. I am sorry that such a beautiful person as yourself feels this, and is tortured by this disorder. God, I hate this. I want to scream, cry, fight, but none of this is allowed. I stopped going to a dietitian in September, because I couldn't take that I couldn't eat by myself. I hated that they treated me like I couldn't eat, and wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't hungry. (Although probably for good reason.) I hope you make a decision that benefits you, either to step up your eating or seeing a dietitian, without too much anxiety. Good luck dear.

    Love, Andy

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  4. thanks for the comments and support. I am just feeling exhausted from this DAILY battle and sometimes, it gets to be too much, you know? I can't and won't give up! EVER!!!

    I am just struggling to figure out HOW I am going to keep going...

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