Saturday, May 1, 2010

currently going on in jenn's world...

I am doing pretty dang good with the caffeine abstinence. I have only had Starbucks one time (which was yesterday when I had a peppermint latte...oops! It sure was tasty though!) But I am having the occasional slip when it comes to diet sodas. I probably slip once or twice a week and then the next couple of days suck as I am trying to once again get back on the wagon - just to fall off it a few days later. One of these days, I will get it right - it's just taking some time to get there. But I just keep trying to remind myself that there are reasons (major health reasons) why I need to abstain from the goodness that is caffeine. But despite my slips, I would say I am drinking 80%-ish less than I was before.
---
I didn't get the job that I applied and interviewed for - and I really had my hopes up. But... I have a couple other job positions that are still in the works, so hopefully something will turn up soon! It's got to! I have been out of work waaaay too long...
---

Two of my roommates are moving out this weekend. I am going to miss them, but I wish them all the best in this next chapter of their lives. I live in a house with 5 other girls (which can be a disaster in the making if we didn't get along - and if you are a girl you know exactly what I am talking about! LOL.) but the six of us have all gotten along really well and become good friends. There hasn't been any move in/move out's since late summer of last year - so it's been nice. But I hope that the new girls who are moving in will be able to keep the "fun, peaceful, and comfortable" atmosphere that has been at our house. It's always difficult for me when I get new roommates or move somewhere new because then comes the situation of "Do I tell them about my illness or not?" and "If I do tell them, how much should I tell them?" It's always hard for me because for the past few years, I tend to be a very guarded person in real life (I am a lot more open in my blog) and I am naturally a shy person anyways, so to have that added guarded-ness just makes things more difficult, and it takes time for me to be able to open up and let people in. But that is a part of healing and recovery that I am working on. I can't let relationships from the past continue to affect current and future relationships - even though I do : (
---
A little over a week ago, a behavior that I haven't struggled with for quite a while snuck up on me and attacked with full force! I still struggle with a lot of behaviors - but not this particular one and so the first time it happened, I was completely caught off guard and wasn't prepared for it... and then it happened again... and then again.... and then again! I didn't tell anyone about it because in my crazy head I tend to convince myself that if I don't acknowledge it - then it's not really happening. But we all know that is not true! That is denial working its magic! I finally admitted what was happening to my treatment team a few days ago and to my mom (which was so hard! It's always hard to tell your parents that you've messed up yet again...) and now I seem to be caught in another behavior as a way to stop myself from doing the first behavior! UGH!!! I am so afraid of engaging in one behavior and my way of preventing that from happening is to do this other behavior... I am just so frustrated with the ed and the endless cycle of behaviors as a way to cope.
---

I still love my volunteer job. And I hope that I will be able to work in into my schedule once I start working again. I love feeling needed and useful. I am getting to know some of the other volunteers (like a super cute boy that I talk to when he is here on Fridays). And I am not "hiding" as much anymore from the doctors & nurses who know me from my many stays here as a patient... even though one of the doctors (who I still see occasionally for my kidneys) is still checking up on me. But I know it's because he is just worried about me, and wants to make sure I am "being good" as he likes to say.
---

I am still trying to get myself to church every Sunday... some Sundays I make it, some I don't - but my heart is in the right place and slowly but surely, spirituality is finding it's way back into my life as I am regaining my faith in God.

4 comments:

  1. It sounds like you're doing okay, even though you are having a few setbacks here and there, you are still moving forward. Good for you for doing that, it's not easy. I didn't get the job I applied for either. Let's hope that for both of us, that we soon get something. Take special care of you!
    *hugs*
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  2. dammit i wrote a long comment then it wouldn't let me post!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I LOVE this post!
    Good on you,sweetheart.
    Jennifer xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. sorry about the job, but way to stay optimmistic!! i hear you on the diet soda... i gave it up a little over a year ago. it is hard because i am still caught in stress work related occassions where i would die for the crisp sweet going down my throat. but it has been well over a year since i had an artificial sweetner of diet soda so i know it is possible! keep it up!

    good luck with the roommates too! mine is annoying, but i will spare you the details! oh and being caught off guard, i just posted about my horrible last week- let's start fresh and good this week!

    ReplyDelete