Tuesday, May 25, 2010

is a "life without ed" possible for THIS girl?

I don't know what happened to me last week.
I don't know why I let my emotions (and the ed) take over complete control of my life...again!.

I need to step back.
I need to breathe.
I need to figure out why I seem to be falling apart.

I am feeling numb.
I am hurting deeply.
I am tired of fighting a battle that I always seem to be losing.

I know I am the only one who can save me...
...but what if I am not strong enough?

Last week's "breakdown" was more emotional than physical.
But when you combine the two - this girl cannot deal at all!!
The proof of that was how I coped (or more like didn't cope) last week.
I was feeling (and still feeling) completely out of control in every part of my life.

I am embarrassed.
I am so ashamed.

The last time I "crashed" I spent 8 days in the intensive care unit at hospital.

Why am I still hurting myself?
Why can't I move on?
Why can't I save myself from the deadly grips of anorexia???

I want a "life without ed" yet the harder I try to find that life - the tighter this disease clings to me.

This disease has taken so many things away from me!
It has nearly taken my life(!) more times than I am comfortable thinking about or want to admit.
yet... I still run to it when my life feels out of control.
I just don't understand.

And I am exhausted.
I need a time-out.
I need to breathe.


  1. Jenn,
    You are wrong..... you are not the "only One" who can save you. You need to have a partnership with Jesus Christ. With God nothing is impossible. Trust in him, Jenn. love you! We are praying for you.

  2. *hugs*
    I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. It sounds like you have a lot of doubt about whether you are able to recover. I can so understand that it's disheartening when things go wrong and they don't seem to be getting better. You are strong enough though, you've fought this long and you can continue fighting to be free of the ED. Don't give up.
    Take care,
    Cassie x

  3. OK, I'm sorry, but I can't get on the religion bandwagon. And that's all I'm going to say on that.

    Jenn, I think you can do this but not on your own. First I think you need to build your treatment team back up, and then GO TO APPOINTMENTS. See if that helps. If it doesn't, I think you need inpatient.

  4. I agree with everything bananas says, and the answer to the question posed in the title of this post is Yes. But you need a level of support that works for you.


  5. yeah i also cant say religion brings me any comfort but i can say that you are more able and capable than you feel right now. We all go through phases, ups and downs, have days where we think recovery is impossible and days where we cannot imagine consciously restricting again, but within YOU is the strength and power to accomplish this and anything you truly are ready to and want to do.

    With continued support, and dedication on your part to bettering your life, you can recover. I know its so much easier said than done and believe me i dont underestimate how difficult this is.

    But I also dont underestimate what you are capable of without the aid of a god or anything. Even if there is a god, he would want you to know how capable you are, and that according to the book that christianity is based off of, we are all made in his own image, god is within you, which means you do hold the power, because you are made up of "god"

    In my mind this means your more able and powerful than you may realize, and i only hope you will remember that you believe in yourself and know that you are able to do this.

    We are all with you, believing in you. And sending our love.

  6. I'm sorry you are struggling, but you will get through this!

  7. bananas - you can be so harsh. i know you mean well but sometimes I find your comments harsh. JEnn, I believe in you, I know that from personal exp. i sometimes want to go on my own strength for a while without treatment so that I feel a sense of accomplishment, like *i* am really doing it and not just using a tube feed to help me, etc. But there IS a fine line as you are probably aware. Anyways, sorry for the rambling reply. :)

    Tia @ dietcolagirl