Friday, May 21, 2010

jenn needs a time-out...

I am really sorry for the hysterical post the other day. I am sorry if it was too triggering or too negative. And I am sorry to my mom - who, unfortunately, was on the receiving end of my hysterical crying and freaking out these past few days. And I want to thank my mom & dad for spending the evening with me Thursday night - even though I was not a fun or happy person to be around at all. I was not in a good place emotionally and I thank them for their love despite the fact that they are so completely & utterly frustrated and tired of this illness. And for their efforts to comfort me & force me to eat dinner (and since it was my first proper meal in weeks (that I was able to keep down) - I was super nauseous & my stomach hurt so bad!! I went outside with my mom and layed on the grass - in horribly uncomfortable pain - so that my mom could keep an eye on me while she finished planting her flowers and to make sure the whole meal stayed in me. And for the next couple of hours (my digestive system is so slow right now that it just prolongs those uncomfortable feelings of fullness - which makes it even more difficult to try to eat properly), my stomach did not seem thankful at all for that food. It brought back all the memories of the re-feeding process when in the hospital or inpatient. Well, they are more like nightmares than memories but that it is different post for a different time...)

And I also want to thank all of you for your loving words to try to comfort me & remind me that I am not alone. Thanks for your words of encouragement. And I grateful to know that I have people in my corner who love me & don't judge me for some of my hysterical posts. I hate to know that I worry and concern people, but I started this blog as a therapeutic outlet for me while on my journey through recovery - but also so that others could maybe understand and experience a bit of what it's like to live with a disease that consumes you, and the painful, honest, real life & death struggle it is to recover from.

These past few days have definitely pushed me over the edge but all of this has been s l o w l y building up for the past couple of months and so it was inevitable that there was going to be a breaking point - because there always is for me. I am frustrated & embarrassed that once again I have allowed the ed to take the driver's seat and be the one in control again.

And I feel that I need to take a recovery(?) time-out because I have no energy for anything else - physically or mentally. I am no longer hysterical... I am just completely numb. And I feel that I need to stay this way for a bit. And I desperately need to sleep. And I need to figure out how I am going to get myself out of this relapse (...and figure out if I even really want to...)

I am tired of constantly fighting this illness and almost always being the weaker fighter. And I am tired of the fact that whenever I do manage to to be succeeding in recovery - it's only a matter of time before I am knocked down. I am tired of this endless roller coaster. I am just tired of it all.

6 comments:

  1. I wish i knew how to help. I wish i could take this pain away from you. No matter what happens don't lose your faith. (hugs) You're strong, I can see it in your post. Don't forget that you have people that love and care for you. I don't know you that well but I would hate for anything bad/horrible to happen. You're such a sweet and kind loving person. Hope things get easier soon.
    Britni

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  2. Recovery takes alot of energy, and I'm not surprised you feel so drained by everything. Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. It was brave to let your parents help you, and it's brave to write so honestly and openly on here. You are a good person Jenn, and deserve that brighter future you are striving for.

    Sarah x

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  3. Don't apologise! You are going through some tough times and it is OK to break down once in awhile!
    I wish I knew what to say to help! I know you just got this job and you really like it, but it sounds like it is just running you into the ground. It is really good that you pack a lunch but you need to eat it! Could your mom (or a friend) come meet you and support you on your lunch break?

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  4. Jenn, I'm sorry. I know you want to do this job and just give up on recovery right now, but if you do the latter, you'll lose the former, and I think you know it. You've already struggled your first week. You sound quite sick right now. Avoiding your treatment team, and avoiding recovery, isn't going to keep you out of the hospital. I very much see you headed back there soon...

    IOP and outpatient don't seem to really do enough. Are you SURE you wouldn't consider inpatient/residential again?

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  5. Jenn- As an avid reader I have grown to care about you... However, and I don't mean to sound brutal or harsh, but I think that sometimes we need to hear things (whether we are comfortable with what we hear, or not)... And I think that you need to hear this... I think that it's time to stop making excuses. Again, I love your writings and posts- but it always seems to be about how someone or something isn't going in your favor. It's important to realize that you are an adult and you have the control in your hands. That no one can save you (or any of us, for that matter...) And that if you truly want to get better... And I mean TRULY WANT IT... It's time to stop making excuses... It's time to stop thinking about how your body isn't working for you and start thinking about the ways in which it IS WORKING FOR YOU... It's time to stop focusing and dwelling on the eating disorder so much, that you begin to think that that's all you are in life... Your Anorexia.

    It's time to get on the band wagon and reach out appropriately for help. So your therapist left? Does that suck? Hell yes... I'm sure it sucks terribly! I'm sure you poured your heart out to him... So is it going to be emotionally difficult and challenging to start oveR? Of course it is! I wouldn't expect it to be easy... But... You can do it! People move on... Relationships change, even theraputic ones with therapists. It's time to prove to yourself that you are resilient and say... 'Man it sucks that I "lost" my favorite therapist... But it's time to stand-up; whipe the dirt off- and go out there and find someone new. It's time to get to work and start focusing on the positive. Truly focusing in on the positive... Rather dwelling so much on the negative.'

    Life changes. Things change. The important thing is now (in my opinion)- is developing skills of resiliency so that you don't have to feel so crushed by every change that comes up (because life is going to continue to bring you A LOT of changes).

    I think that it's important to also start practicing skills related yo mindfullness... I can imagine that by this much treatment, you have learned a thing or two about mindfullness (versus numbing out). What's the purpose to numbing out? The problem is still going to be there when the numbing wears off...

    You are allowing yourself to stay stuck. People are there for you... It sounds like you have plenty of people in your life who are there and ready to help you (you just need to be willing and ready to stand-up and reach-out to those people that could help you).

    It's time to become the most resilient Jenn you can be.

    I believe in you! We all do! And now it's time for you to start believing in yourself. Now granted, no one can make you believe in yourself... But I am certainly hoping that you will... I guess time will tell.


    Good luck! You can do this!

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  6. Living in Secret made many good points, I have to say. I pride myself on being honest and not sugar-coating, but I didn't have the balls to say what she said.

    This part resonated the most with me: "It's important to realize that you are an adult and you have the control in your hands. That no one can save you (or any of us, for that matter...) And that if you truly want to get better... And I mean TRULY WANT IT... It's time to stop making excuses..."

    This is very true. There is no master puppeteer pulling strings to make life shit on you, I swear. Cut the strings and start to live your own life, before you lose it.

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