I am really sorry for the hysterical post the other day. I am sorry if it was too triggering or too negative. And I am sorry to my mom - who, unfortunately, was on the receiving end of my hysterical crying and freaking out these past few days. And I want to thank my mom & dad for spending the evening with me Thursday night - even though I was not a fun or happy person to be around at all. I was not in a good place emotionally and I thank them for their love despite the fact that they are so completely & utterly frustrated and tired of this illness. And for their efforts to comfort me & force me to eat dinner (and since it was my first proper meal in weeks (that I was able to keep down) - I was super nauseous & my stomach hurt so bad!! I went outside with my mom and layed on the grass - in horribly uncomfortable pain - so that my mom could keep an eye on me while she finished planting her flowers and to make sure the whole meal stayed in me. And for the next couple of hours (my digestive system is so slow right now that it just prolongs those uncomfortable feelings of fullness - which makes it even more difficult to try to eat properly), my stomach did not seem thankful at all for that food. It brought back all the memories of the re-feeding process when in the hospital or inpatient. Well, they are more like nightmares than memories but that it is different post for a different time...)
And I also want to thank all of you for your loving words to try to comfort me & remind me that I am not alone. Thanks for your words of encouragement. And I grateful to know that I have people in my corner who love me & don't judge me for some of my hysterical posts. I hate to know that I worry and concern people, but I started this blog as a therapeutic outlet for me while on my journey through recovery - but also so that others could maybe understand and experience a bit of what it's like to live with a disease that consumes you, and the painful, honest, real life & death struggle it is to recover from.
These past few days have definitely pushed me over the edge but all of this has been s l o w l y building up for the past couple of months and so it was inevitable that there was going to be a breaking point - because there always is for me. I am frustrated & embarrassed that once again I have allowed the ed to take the driver's seat and be the one in control again.
And I feel that I need to take a recovery(?) time-out because I have no energy for anything else - physically or mentally. I am no longer hysterical... I am just completely numb. And I feel that I need to stay this way for a bit. And I desperately need to sleep. And I need to figure out how I am going to get myself out of this relapse (...and figure out if I even really want to...)
I am tired of constantly fighting this illness and almost always being the weaker fighter. And I am tired of the fact that whenever I do manage to to be succeeding in recovery - it's only a matter of time before I am knocked down. I am tired of this endless roller coaster. I am just tired of it all.