I was so nervous! Especially over the weekend! I think the anxiety of not knowing what to expect, feeling the need to be perfect and learn everything super fast, and not knowing anyone only made my anxiety worse(!) - but now, after having finished the day, I am so excited about this new job! The other people in the department seem super nice and they all seem to get along really well! I hope that I am able to feel comfortable enough around them and that I will be able to fit in too. And from how things went today... I think I will fit in just fine. So a big huge sigh of relief that the first day is done and over.
I am feeling like my head is going to explode from all the job training and medical information it had to take in today! - My mind is not used to having to focus, concentrate, remember lots of info, ect. Because it's been 11 months since I last worked full-time and a bit longer than that since I was last in school. And my horrible struggles with the ed isn't helping my cognitive skills at all! I realize this. I do! I know I need to be healthy and I need to eat(!) to be able to do my job well - but it's way more complicated than that.
I packed myself a lunch and put some snacks in my purse but... because of the anxiety and stress of the day - I didn't eat hardly any of it. And I politely declined when offered some of the brownies everyone was devouring today (ugh, just another thing to stress this girl out on her first day!) I am not proud of this. I realize that it's not what should have happened and I hope that I will do better tomorrow, but that's how I cope when those "feelings" creep up to the surface. Some of today's feelings were: anxiety, self-consciousness, fear, doubt, urges to be perfect, stress, pressure, uncertainty... So when I took my breaks and my lunch I went outside and walked around (because it was a warm & sunny day today). And I did eat a little. But I know I didn't eat anywhere near enough (especially for someone who is supposed to be on weight gain) and I feel disappointed in myself. I hate that I use unhealthy methods to cope. And I hate how fearful I am of food and eating. But I can't change what happened today - all I can do is to do better tomorrow.
"Do the next right thing!"
I am exhausted from the day and I wasn't going to blog (since I have to drive out to the library to use the internet because I am lame and currently don't have a laptop... & I really just want to go home and crash from pushing myself so hard today) but I just wanted to post about my first day and say that I am super excited and I really do think I am going to love this job and love my co-workers! Yippee!! And hopefully tomorrow I can force myself to eat a bit more. I need to stay positive and keep pushing myself forward and in the direction of recovery and not into the direction of hospitalization (where the stress from my last job put me many times). I don't want to lose this job and I want to do my job well and make people happy and proud of me! That's all I want.