Thursday, June 24, 2010

a few pounds gained

I have gained a few pounds in these past few weeks!! (Deep breath jenn, it's okay! You need to be gaining weight!) I am trying so so so hard to stay positive about this whole situation because I realize that this needs this to be happening - but I don't think that the fact that I already want to lose these recently added pounds is a good sign... I am weighing myself. I know, I know - let the lectures begin, but I feel that I have to, at least until I start up with my new treatment team because if I don't, then I will think I am getting fatter and gaining more weight than I really am - because that's the way my troubled head seems to work :(
I have been able to gain these pounds from a combination of trying my best to:

1- Pushing myself to eat more than what I was eating.
plus trying to drink liquid satan's when I feel brave enough (a.k.a. Ensure)
(Along with the occassional meals with family - immediately followed by nervous breakdowns, anxiety, & panic attacks afterwards for feeling like I ate too much(!) when really... I ate a "normal" amount - oh my poor family who have to endure this, bless their hearts! And even though it's still not enough it's more than I am comfortable eating.)

2- The current status of my metabolism - which is... freakishly s l o w thanks to the ed.

3- And my attempts at trying to stay as sedentary as I can.
(I do still "fidget" and move around a lot, but I am trying to tone down the exercise)

And with all of these things...the weight is staying on my ever expanding body. I am going to be honest about this whole situation. I hate it. I have a ton of anxiety. I am feeling fat(ter!). I am uncomfortable. I am self-conscious. But I am trying my best to stay numb and distracted from the emotional issues so I don't lose these pounds. I don't even want to think about the fact that according to the "professionals" I still have quite a bit of weight to gain before I am at my body's natural set point (meaning the weight my body wants to be at naturally - without me trying to control it with the ed) because this girl knows how much her "body" wants to weigh and if they want me to get there.... well... let's not talk about that right now.

Let's just say that my body's "natural set point" is a little over XX pounds from where my weight is currently - and a little less than that to get myself back into the lower end of my weight range and BMI... (still?! How is that even possible!?!? I don't know how I still have that far too go even after this recent weight gain... will this cycle ever end???)

My body might want me to be at that weight... The professionals might want me at that weight... I know the numbers don't lie, BUT - when I look in the mirror, it's a different story... --- Note to self: STOP focusing on the numbers Jenn! Stop, stop, stop it!!! --- :(

I am trying to be proud of myself for actually gaining these few pounds and for being able to maintain it so far (without a current treatment team, may I add) - but it's hard because I just feel fat and uncomfortable. And I feel very overwhelmed with knowing I still have more to gain. But I am trying. I am scared though, that once I start up with the new team - they are going to want to increase the weight (and the food intake) and I am not sure my fragile emotional state can handle that. I will be honest here, again, and say that I am trying my hardest to distract, be more social, and put on the happy face for everyone around me (and myself) because I don't want to feel those "feelings". Emotionally, I came crashing down about a month ago - (as a lot of you witnessed as I was falling apart on my old blog...sorry about that everyone...), and since then, I have numbed myself from all that emotional yuckiness that is trying to drown me. It's how I am coping. It's how I am surviving. It's how I am gaining weight. I have tried to talk about certain feelings here and there with people (like my mom and my sister-in-law) but I always start crying and can't control the emotions so I pull away and retreat again back into that happy go lucky - "I'm fine" world of not dealing with my feelings...

Another thing that is hard for me to cope with when it comes to weight gain is the fact that for 85%-ish of my life, I have been underweight. That's how most people recognize me and know me. That's how I know me. My family, some friends, and a few others have seen me at higher & healthier weights but I have never stayed there for very long before I would start to lose the weight, once again. So most people, have only seen me at low weights. They haven't seen me at my body's set point and I am terrified of that. I bring this up because a huge fear of mine is that when I do get myself back to a healthy weight - I am going to feel embarrassed because I am afraid of what people will think of me. Will they think I lost control over my body?? Will they think that I am fat???

And that's only what other people will think... what about me? What about what I will think?? I have had a really tough time accepting, coping, & loving myself at those "healthier" weights. I don't recognize myself or feel like myself at all at those weights. I know that a 29 year old should look like a woman with curves(!) and not a 14 year old boy... - I have heard this a gazillion times, but what do you do when you are only used to (and comfortable) with that smaller body?? All of these years that I have spent drastically controlling my weight... it's who I am. It's how I cope with feelings, with life!

But I want this to change. I do, I just don't know how - or why it hasn't yet. Maybe I haven't let myself be at these weights long enough to get comfortable with them(?)... I don't know... I just know that weight gain terrifies me on so many levels! And because I have had to gain weight so many times, you would think that I would be used to it by now - but I'm not. And I am afraid. Afraid of losing the control. Of my body being in control. But I know that a big part of recovery is achieving and maintaining a healthy (and happy) body - so as scary, uncomfortable, & overwhelming as it is... I gots to do it!! So I am trying to push through and keep the weight gain going (and going and going...)

I want to walk into my appointments with my new treatment team as a girl (no as a woman!) on her way up the recovery ladder instead of in a free-fall falling down into that anorexia hole like I usually am - Because it's so damn hard to climb out of. I am not saying that I am out of the hole, But I am (at the moment) out of the hole of being medically unstable with my weight. And I want to keep it that way. I want to learn to love my body. To embrace and accept my body. I want to love the fat (er... I mean curves...) that are finding residence on my ever expanding body. I want to learn to cope and control other more important things in my life than weight and food!!

That's what I want. That's what I am striving for. I want a life - and I know I need a healthy body to acheive that. When I am feeding my body and the mental clarity starts to come back - it's amazing! I don't feel like a walking zombie. I actually have more energy to do things, I am more present in conversations with other people, my personality starts to come back! And that's what I want for everyone else who is struggling too. I want us all to find that peace inside of us to allow us to be happy & free! And to be able to live a "life worth living!"

1 comment:

  1. Ooh you've moved! Love the new blog, and well done for making a step towards recovery. It sounds as though you are trying really hard to be positive - you CAN do this :-)

    Sarah x