Thursday, June 3, 2010

a pretty discouraging day

I apologize in advance for yet another negative post but... I am beyond frustrated and irritated with myself right now! And I really need to write this out and process it because... my ed thoughts are telling me one thing while the healthy jenn is telling me something else - and right now, I am leaning towards believing the ed thoughts because they are stronger and more intense than the quiet (and lots of times- hard to hear) voice of recovery. Here is what happened:

Today I had lunch with my mom.
She called me last night and asked if I wanted to have lunch with her.
And that is when the anxiety & fear started.
Because I knew I wasn't going to be able to just eat my "safe foods."
I was going to have to eat real food, and lots of it!
She made lunches from her house to bring for us to eat at my work.
I ate more than I am comfortable eating at one time.

I didn't over-eat... technically.
It was a regular, well-balanced meal.
The problem here is: the amount of food that I am comfortable eating at one time is not very much right now
so, a regular sized meal is too much food for me -
Or at least that is what the ed has me convinced of.
But I pushed myself.
And my mom supported, urged, & pushed me to eat every single bite.
She kept urging me to finish all of my food
despite my many attempts of trying to convince her that I was full and didn't want anymore.
My mom is not dumb. She is not fooled by the ed.
And I got through the meal. (go me!)

I was feeling really anxious,
like I always do when I feel like I ate too much
I thought I could just go back to work and distract myself until all those horrible feelings past...
I was wrong!
I had so much anxiety - I couldn't concentrate or focus on my job.
The ed thoughts were super fierce.
I was shaking and I was starting to feel hysterical.
So I talked to my mom about how I was feeling.
And of course, I started to cry and had to go out in the hall.
My mom tried to calm me down.
She is like other people - they tell me to "just eat and don't think about it."
But the problem with me is... I can't not think about it!!
My rational mind is so distorted and screwed up
that food and emotions are so intertwined into each other.
I struggle so much with separating those two things.

And it really becomes a problem for me when it starts interfering with things, like my job!
This upsets me and frustrates me so much -
because how am I supposed to recover and move past this
when I can't separate these two things??
I am feeling overwhelmed and disappointed in myself.
I wish my emotions weren't so affected by what I eat or don't eat...

And all I could think about for the rest of the day
- and I am still thinking it now - is:
"This is why I don't like eating at work. Because I can't cope with all the emotions and therefore, it affects my job performance. It's easier for me to cope with the hunger & exhaustion than it is to cope with the guilt, anxiety, and fear."

I am feeling overwhelmed and disappointed in myself.
I wish food could just. be. food.
I wish I could eat like a normal person and then move on with my day.
But I don't know how to not let the feelings consume me.
I don't understand
and I am feeling pretty discouraged that
it's starting to affect my job performance.

And if this is happening when I eat just one proper meal
How am I going to cope with following a meal plan again
when I get my new dietitian
One of the main reasons why I stopped going to my appointments
was because I couldn't cope with the amount of food
she expected me to eat without letting the emotions take over my mind.

But if I can't eat enough - how am I supposed to recover!?!?

1 comment:

  1. I wish i knew how to help. Positive thing is you have your mom who loves and supports you and wants to see you be healthy and happy. You're able to talk to her and she has been able to help you calm down and not let the anxiety take over. and You did call/or talk to her when you needed that help. I wish I could tell you that working or getting out will help lessen the anxiety but that's the opposite for me it worsens mine. Keep breathing and don't let go of that person who knows how to help you fight that anxiety off. Keep writing, and expressing your feelings. It's better than bottling them up. Take baby steps is the advice I've been given. and don't forget to talk to those that help you.